Ford Anglia Posted December 15, 2006 Share Posted December 15, 2006 I'm not sure if this has ever been posted before, but it made me laugh, and I'm sure will amuse anyone who's ever used a Haynes Manual..........Haynes Maunual Translations 1. Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise. Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. 2. Haynes: This is a snug fit. Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer. 3. Haynes: This is a tight fit. Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with a hammer. 4. Haynes: As described in Chapter 7... Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start. Now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox. 5.Haynes: Pry... Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into... 6. Haynes: Undo... Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy size). 7. Haynes: Retain tiny spring... Translation: PINGGGG - "Jesus, where the hell did that go?" 8. Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb... Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two). 9. Haynes: Lightly... Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer. 10. Haynes: Weekly checks... Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it. 11. Haynes: Routine maintenance... Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be. We warned you. 12. Haynes: One spanner rating. Translation: An infant could do this... so how did you manage to **** it up? 13. Haynes: Two spanner rating. Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teensy weensy number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you). 14. Haynes: Three spanner rating. Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days. 15. Haynes: Four spanner rating. Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you? 16. Haynes: Five spanner rating. Translation: OK - but don't ever carry your loved ones in it again. 17. Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this... Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. 18. Haynes: Compress... Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then find some molegrips and a hammer... 19. Haynes: Inspect... Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one" 20. Haynes: Carefully... Translation: You are about to suffer deep abrasions. 21. Haynes: Retaining nut... Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust. 22. Haynes: Get an assistant... Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know. 23. Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed. Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs. 24. Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal. Translation: Yeah, right. But you swear in different places. 25. Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs... Translation: Snap off... 26. Haynes: Using a suitable drift... Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer. 27. Haynes: Everyday toolkit Translation: Use your RAC Card & Mobile Phone. 28. Haynes: Apply moderate heat... Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Alternatively, clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer. 29. Haynes: Index Translation: List of all the things in the book, bar the particular job you need to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bugsy Posted December 15, 2006 Share Posted December 15, 2006 Oh so true.................................[:D] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cooperlola Posted December 15, 2006 Share Posted December 15, 2006 [:D]On the same lines, an alternative to WD 40, from Oz, natch.[img]http://static.flickr.com/143/322961595_6f2642fa50.jpg[/img] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bugsy Posted December 15, 2006 Share Posted December 15, 2006 [:D][:D][:D][:D], damm, how do you get a mouthful of coffee out of your keyboard ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Will Posted December 15, 2006 Share Posted December 15, 2006 I remember a manual for an old Renault I had, telling you how to get air out of the hydraulic system - I think it was translated from the French."Place the bleeding tube on the bleeding nipple, with the other end of the tube in the bleeding bottle. Ensure that the free end of the bleeding tube is immersed in the bleeding fluid. Slacken the bleeding screw, and get your assistant to start the bleeeding operation by pumping the brake pedal..." and so it went on, ad bleeding infinitum.On the other hand, my late father, who was service manager at several garages, often used to quote the 'troubleshooting' section of an Alfa Romeo manual - "in this case, customer should be taken to a quite place and courtesly instructed in correct habits of drive". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Albert the InfoGipsy Posted December 15, 2006 Share Posted December 15, 2006 Gary aka Bugbear wrote: "damm, how do you get a mouthful of coffee out of your keyboard ?"Dunno, but it probably involves a pair of mole grips & a hammer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bugsy Posted December 15, 2006 Share Posted December 15, 2006 It's OK, it was all in the membrane..........................[8-|] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Riff-Raff Element Posted December 15, 2006 Share Posted December 15, 2006 [quote user="cooperlola"][:D]On the same lines, an alternative to WD 40, from Oz, natch.[img]http://static.flickr.com/143/322961595_6f2642fa50.jpg[/img][/quote]25% ether! The glue sniffers must love the stuff. What's A$13.30 in real money? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bugsy Posted December 15, 2006 Share Posted December 15, 2006 Don't show me that picture again, last time I spurted a mouthful of coffee onto my keyboard...............[:D][:D] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Will Posted December 15, 2006 Share Posted December 15, 2006 Haven't we been here before? I'll have to try to resurrect my last contribution (or perhaps not) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cooperlola Posted December 15, 2006 Share Posted December 15, 2006 or perhaps bleeding not, Will?Gary, sorry to have b*gg*r*d your keyboard. I see you have now exchanged wheels for legs! Love the Donks, are they yours? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bugsy Posted December 15, 2006 Share Posted December 15, 2006 Daisy and Dora. Daisy is half Poitou and Dora isn't. Wonderful fun and very theraputic. We did have three but, sadly Daisys mum died from lung worm three years ago.ps, keyboard's fine I just removed the keys and wiped it out and it still works................ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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