Help! French funerals - etiquette?

[Susannah]

Is there anyone who is clued up as to what format an 'average' French funeral follows?

An English friend has been invited to attend the funeral of a French acquaintance on Wednesday. She and her husband are anxious to 'do the right thing' but, never having been to a funeral in France, do not know the way these things are conducted. It is normal to take/send flowers/wreaths as in the U.K., for example? Is everyone expected to go back to the deceased person's home or another venue for refreshment?

I had to confess to my ignorance but said that I was sure somebody out there would know - I'm counting on you!

Many thanks for any pointers that you can give us,

Susannah.

[Val_2]

I get to go to quite a few funerals as part of my civic duties and it usually goes as follows here in Brittany. You gather outside the church beforehand,at least 15mins and then go inside when the hearse arrives and take your seat. Family and close friends sit near the front. You then follow the lead of the priest and his "singing second" as to standing up and sitting down. It will last anything from 40mins to an hour and usually the audience do not sing,only recite catholic verses and cross themselves etc. There is no eulogy,everything is standard to the book. Halfway through there will be a collection so you need to take some euros,this pays for the light and heating etc.At the end of the service, all except close family go forward to sprinkle the coffin with holy water,give their sympathies to the family and leave by a side door. The family then continue in private for a short while. Usually it is only close family who go to the cemetary or crematorium and everyone else goes home if they are not invited to go with the family. If you go to the cemetary for an internment be warned that you will get to see previously interred coffins already in the caveau which can be disturbing to us brits used to seeing it lowered in the earth and then covered over. You then go either back to the house or to a local bar or hall where a tea is served. As regards wreaths etc, the local fleurist will take orders and they go automatically with the hearse although you can take one and place it with the undertakers yourself. I am not a catholic or a church-goer and I do not sprinkle the coffin as it makes me feel uneasy, just me personally, so I speak to the family and exit quietly.

[Will]

They do vary - what Val says is a good general guide and is probably the norm in her part of Brittany, but there are slight differences even between there and Normandy, as there are between services/churches/families etc. The important thing is to go, particularly if you knew the dead person or know the family well. It will be much appreciated by the family.

Don't worry about etiquette (after all that's only a French word for label), it doesn't matter if you don't have black formal clothes (few French do), and you don't have to take flowers or gifts and you won't offend anybody if you don't want to take part in anything, like going back for drinks or sprinkling the coffin.

[zeb]

We've been to two so far, our neighbour's very elderly mother died in the Spring and there were only 9 of us (this included two British couples) in the vast church, so the priest sat us in a side bit which was more intimate. The grandson brought roses and gave us all one to drop into the grave. It was very sad as there were no friends or aquaintances of the deceased there, but probably normal as she was so old.

The other funeral of an elderly neighbour was held at the local church which was packed, but everyone was wearing normal daytime casual clothes - no suits or black ties. We took our other neighbour and she wore a vibrant orange chiffony trouser suit. Tres chic. Again we went to the interment with everyone else but then went home. I think only family went back to the house. Some people went to the local English run restaurant (formally a bar) after the funeral for a drink but unfortunately were told that they couldn't have a drink without a meal!We had previously sent a card to the widow and been round with offers of help but the family requested no flowers. Later, we bought her a pretty oldfashioned English rose bush for her garden as her husband had been so "gentile" towards us.

I think you just have to go and follow everyone else's lead. As in the UK funerals differ according to family/deceased wishes.

regards......helen

[Hoddy]

I’ve been to one funeral in southern Dordogne and can endorse most of what is said here. Most emphatically the important thing is that you go - we were told this in no uncertain terms even though we had never actually met the deceased although we did know other members of his family.

Getting there early is a good idea if only to get a reasonable parking space.

It doesn’t matter what you wear. My OH was the only one in a suit even though most people were sombrely, if casually, dressed.

By comparison with English funerals there was very little participation on the part of the congregation.

At the point where everyone filed past the coffin we had a quick whispered conversation as to whether we should join in or not. The family went first and when it became plain that everyone else was going we decided to join in. We had tucked ourselves away at the back of the very crowded church and didn’t realise until we got close to coffin what was happening there. Each person was crossing themselves and putting money into a bucket at its foot. Not being a RC I don’t cross myself and to scrabble about in my handbag at that point would have seemed disrespectful somehow so I just bowed and turned back down the church. If I were to go to another I would make sure that I had some money readily to hand.

Everyone went to the internment. I don’t think I need say anything about lots of cars going more or less together from point A to point B in France. I think if I went to another I would give the internment a miss.

Food was provided at the house for family only.

Two days later the deceased’s son-in-law came to see us to thank us on behalf of his mother-in-law for our attendance. She had been very gratified that the church was overflowing and that all the village, even the English (us), had attended and if there was anything that they could ever do for us etc.

Hope this helps.

Hoddy

[Loiseau]

My dearest local friend died last year, so I was pitched into this for the first time...

In the Vendée it seems to be the norm for everyone to go and view the deceased - either in their home or in the funeral parlour - and to take the "gerbe" (flowers).  Honestly, I really did not want to see my erstwhile bubbly, bon-vivante, blonde friend under those conditions. So I stayed in and whipped up two desserts for the wake the next day.  (She was an ace cook, and I felt this was somehow more appropriate...).  I went to a local florist and arranged for flowers to be sent to the funeral directors in time for the funeral.

I also offered accommodation for mourners from afar - and had a couple billetted on me - which was therapeutic for them and for me.

On the day, I turned up in good time (good point about the parking, for the funeral of a popular person).   Once the swish modern hearse arrived, everybody was called on to help with the wreaths, and we made relays from hearse to altar staggering under the weight of some of the heavy floral arrangements.

Once the service was under way (along with a couple of other locals, I had been asked to do a reading), it was a question of keeping your eyes peeled and doing what everybody else did.  At one point, everyone lined up and filed past the coffin either touching it or simply inclining the head.  (I think there might have been an opportunity to drop some coins into something here - can't remember). And there was communion.  Normally as a non-Catholic I wouldn't have gone up, but this was such a dear friend that I risked heavenly wrath and took it with the others.

At the end, as the coffin started going out, we all  had to step in and pick up the floral tributes again and carry them out to the hearse; but this time we stood in front of it with the flowers, waiting for the signal to walk down the hill to the cemetery.  Wow - were they heavy...   We walked slowly ahead of the hearse, and once in the cemetery laid down the flowers and were invited to come forward one by one and sprinkle the coffin wth holy water before it was lowered into the grave.  And then everyone offered their condolences to the bereaved before they left.  It was comforting to feel that one had participated - though there was no compulsion to do so.

The little party afterwards was mostly for invited folk from far away.  As a close friend, who had dropped in two puds in earlier in the day, I was also included - though other equally close local friends were not.  Goodness, was I glad I had made those puddings! The son and daughter-in-law were no cooks, and everything else apart from those was bought in.... 
That was the best thing I could have done for Josette - better by far than seeing her looking unrecognisable in a coffin.  I have never regretted that.

Angela

 

[Jc85]

We have been to two funerals, someone in the village collected money from each house for a plaque to be placed on the grave.

Also everyone in turn walked down the aisle in the church and touched to coffin and then placed some money in the collection tray. I was taken a bit by surprise when we got to the cemetary by being asked to sprinkle the coffin with holy water.  I thought it would have been for family only but was assured it was not the case and not to worry.

Your friends shouldn't worry too much about what is right or wrong. Just do what you are happy with noone will be offended.

Jax