Alan Zoff

Whilst we were living at one of our previous (English homes), our neighbour's son came careering into the small close, almost on two wheels, causing the young children to run for their lives. When I pointed out to him that this was dangerous driving, his answer was that he was not exceeding the legal speed limit! One of the children was his own younger brother - a disabled child with very limited mobility. It's difficult to legislate for crass stupidity.

Now if they could stop tailgating and overtaking on blind bends....

I read somewhere that lorry drivers are annoyed. When the limit was 90, cautious car drivers would settle for 85, which was probably nearer to 80 when taking into account that many car speedometers read a little on the high side. Those cautious drivers are now sticking to 75 (in real terms maybe just over 70) so instead of cars being held up by lorries limited to 80, it is the lorries that are being delayed. HGVs have much more accurate speed measuring equipment and it is important for them to keep up to 80 to meet their schedules.

The more serious history I read, the more I understand how I was conned during my childhood. English history has been little more than propaganda since the Norman invasion, helped along by the likes of Shakespeare. "For Harry, England and St George", eh? The only accurate part of that nonsense was the "For Harry". Continuing the tradition from Edward III, Henry saw northern France and Western France as a personal possession. Alfred the Great has gone down in history as a hero for seeking to win back the land ceded to the Vikings - the Danelaw - so why are the French seen as the villains for seeking to regain the territory ceded to the Normans (Viking descendants)? Who was invading whom during the 100 Years war? As for Henry's army fighting for England, the truth is that the knights were promised control of rich lands in France if victorious, whilst the foot-soldiers were largely impoverished Welshmen - thugs in it for booty. The soldiers were able to keep the finery chopped off the fallen French, to rape and pillage their way across the country, leaving those peasants who weren't murdered to starve after their lands had been laid waste. Napoleon might deserve criticism for his later excesses but if you look at the position from which he started, he was initially doing no more than defending the Republic from foreign invasion, chiefly orchestrated by Britain. The media loves to depict the French armies as cowardly but what do they say about Dunkirk when the British army ran away, leaving their armaments on the beaches for the enemy, while French units did their best to buy them time? Churchillian propaganda bizarrely turned the rescue, brave as it was, into some sort of amazing victory. All countries - particularly those at war - use propaganda, of course, but Britain has turned it into an art form. So much so that my parents' generation believed that "we won the war" almost single-handedly and that no foreigner is to be trusted. I will leave religious propaganda for another soap box, except to say that Richard is spot on with his final sentence.

I think you might be overlooking that the rule books have been torn up. As will happen in post-Brexit Britain, ethics no longer matter.

Should it be humpyaudeman, then?

I take the view that funerals are for the living. My will says I would prefer as cheap as possible and none of that religious nonsense. But what my surviving family actually do with me will be up to them - whatever they are comfortable with.

I once administered the estate of a rather eccentric lady who had requested in her will that her ashes be placed in the saddle bag of her bicycle after the air had been let out of the rear tyre, a once inch hole cut in the bottom corner of the bag, and her executor was to ride the bike round her favourite woodland until all the ashes had been dispersed. He didn't ask for permission, just did as instructed - or so he claimed. Just thought I would throw that one in.

"Prat!, Mr President." Show some respect

And French people have been back to ours - and claimed to enjoy the food!

I would struggle to find someone in the village who could speak more than 3 words of English. Turns out that's not such a bad thing

Within the first 12 months of buying our house, we had 3 meals in French homes and were made completely welcome, even though we only spent a few weeks in France at that time. It's now a regular thing. Perhaps it depends on the region but, as I said earlier, I chose this part of France because the people seemed nicest.

I don't waste my time trying to be French. I am simply an Englishman who respects the local people. And they respect me for that. It's a two-way thing.

Bought 2005 after 25 years exploring the country. Avoided the usual hot spots and settled on somewhere south of Paris I could reach by car and where the people seemed nicest. Have not been disappointed. Initially it was a renovation project used for holidays but since retirement it has become a second home which might become the permanent abode, particularly if all goes titsup with Brexit. The locals already treat me as resident.

Slapstick, dirty postcard and lavatorial always seem to work

I recently tried a couple of things which fell completely flat with my French audience. I will use English here to avoid mucking about with the French accents. On entering the local bar, I was asked by my good friend,Fred, the barman: "A beer?" I replied as I might in my UK local, but in French: "Is the Pope catholic?" Fred, confused, as were the other customers: "Yes, of course he is. Why do you ask? Would you like a beer?" Then to a lorry driver whose vehicle had broken down outside our house and was stuck for 7 hours until a mechanic got him going at 9pm. I had supplied them both with refreshments and offered the use of our "facilities" and said to them as they were finally leaving: "I hope your dinners are not in the dog." The driver's reply: "In the dog? We don't have a dog." Vive la difference.

I like this quote from Stephen Fry: “It's now very common to hear people say, 'I'm rather offended by that.' As if that gives them certain rights. It's actually nothing more... than a whine. 'I find that offensive.' It has no meaning; it has no purpose; it has no reason to be respected as a phrase. 'I am offended by that.' Well, so f*** ing what."

We've only got 4 vehicles. The shame of poverty

Five times draft-dodger Trump was jealous of McCain being treated as a war hero after being tortured during 5 years of captivity in Vietnam. Incredible in the circumstances that Trump had the nerve to belittle it - and that his supporters still love him.

Reality TV on speed

Extra bathroom? I kept the same loo pan so it just moved a metre or so! Yes, we were shown toilet-free properties. The agent pointed out that there were plenty of fields to choose from.

I couldn't quite get used to the idea of the pantry-come-toilet off the kitchen. It was handy to be able to make an inventory of food supplies whilst otherwise engaged but I thought it might be a little more hygienic to make a new toilet room on the other side of the wall, using a small part of the large spare room. I even added a wash basin! One farmhouse we looked at in the back of beyond when we were searching for a property had the sink, cooker, toilet and a shower all in the same room with no dividing walls or partitions. When I queried this with the agent, he told me, quite seriously, that the couple had nothing to hide from each other and this arrangement enabled monsieur to help madame with peeling vege, etc while doing his business.

The photos can be hilariously bad. Some agents make no effort at all to show properties at their best, although the vendors don't seem to help themselves much [IMG]http://i225.photobucket.com/albums/dd192/Alzoff/Desirable%20residence_1.jpg[/IMG][/URL] (Haven't posted a photo for some time, so hope this has worked....)

I sleep in France. She sleeps in UK. Also seems to work.

I have usually done all I want to do, seen everyone I wish to see, during the day so am happy to flop down in front of the telly after my evening meal. The village bar has at least one late night a week (according to how the bar owner feels) which gives me a chance to catch up with the evening crowd and provides quite enough entertainment for me when combined with the various events laid on in the salle des fêtes. But each to his/her own.