Desperate Mum of 10 year old

[Bobthebuilder]

We are now 6 months down the line in our move to France and all is well except our ten year old son. He began in a small village school back in January (30 primary aged kids), his younger brother in another school. There were a few ups and downs mainly due to the language barriers but he has picked up alot since then. His handwriting (always a huge problem in UK) has transformed and he has now become an outdoor boy instead of the indoor boy he was.

BUT and yes its a big one - he has not made any friends and has completely isolated himself from all of the other kids at the school. So much so that he won't even talk to them. He hides under his 'hoody' sweatshirt and walks with his head down and talks with a slow drone. He has become aggresive, feigns illness to avoid swimming or other situations he doesn't want to join in with. We know the fault lies with his 'barrier' he has put around himself and have tried almost every possible way of helping him. We have always had good communication with him but that is becoming very difficult now.

Without listing all the things we have tried which do include joining clubs, activites (he won't go), inviting school kids over etc. We need to know if their is anyone else out there who has experienced this - what did you do, how did you overcome?

We don't want to return to the UK because of this and quite frankly think it would be the worse thing we could do, we can't afford an international school but are DESPERATE for any other advice.

HELP!!!!

Louise Dept.16

[Richardbk]

LAST EDITED ON 03-Jun-04 AT 11:14 AM (BST)

LAST EDITED ON 03-Jun-04 AT 11:13AM (BST)

> We know the
>fault lies with his 'barrier'
>he has put around himself
>and have tried almost every
>possible way of helping him.

are you sure this is the problem - is he being bullied perhaps ? perhaps not physcially but perhaps verbally

If this is the case you are unlikely to get any assistance from the school/teachers. The main reaction will be

- he is doing very well in class, but does not mix with the others.

- he doesn't have problems with the kids during class time

- they will deny all knowledge of bullying in the school and in general will imply that it is all the fault of you and/or your child.

If this is the case the only tatic that seems to work is to threaten a) the parents of the offenders and b) the school and teachers with direct legal action under the code civil, where school bullying , either direct or verbal is an offence and it is also an offence to stand by and do nothing about it.

We have recently had this problem as our 9 year old daughter had to temporaily change school for the last few weeks of this year(due to broken leg). For her it was not a language problem (she was born here) but due to differences in teaching methods between the 2 schools she was behind in some subjects(but ahead in others). This was a) first critised by the teacher , which b) then led to some other kids picking on her.

We have the advantage of being here a long time, speaking the language, understanding the french education system, knowing the school and teachers quite well and many of the parents etc - but at the end of the day unless you really stamp down and threaten proceedings it is unlikely to stop.

regs

Richard

[Kaf]

Hi Louise
Sorry to hear about your problems.
We had something similar with our son eight when we moved, now 9, which lasted about 9 months and then just seemed to disappear overnight. The main issue seemed to be confidence.
We moved here at Easter last year and he was thrown in the deep end being the only British child in the school. He didn't get any extra French lessons but all the staff were very sympathetic and helped as much as they could. Similarly, the children all seemed to be desperate to make friends, but he just wouldn't talk to them. He was getting on quite well with his theoretical French, and by the second term was regularly coming top in French grammar tests but I still had many a conversation with him and his teacher about the fact that he wouldn't talk in class or ,as far as we could tell, in the playground.
He got very homesick at Christmas when he heard from all his UK friends about what they were doing in school and we went through what you are going through now: had we made a mistake, were we expecting too much of him etc. He had a really good school report at the end of term with the proviso that he needed to talk, so at least we could encourage him and build up his self esteem, but we were feeling so guilty about making him suffer.
BUT he went back to school after Christmas a totally different child. He made a conscious effort to talk and of course, the more he talked the more confident he became and he has not looked back since. He has since invited kids from school to come and play and the kids from next door are always in here.
He came home from school the other day with a script for the end of term "spectacle" and told us what part he wanted. He got the part and has been religiously learning his lines every night.
I don't mind admitting that I will need a box of tissues when we see him on stage in his first French play and it is a joy to hear him laughing and joking with his friends. I was even quite chuffed a couple of weeks ago when he got punished for misbehaving. He's now the same as he was when we were in the UK, but with a lot more self confidence and maturity because has so much more freedom.
I've gone on a bit, but hope this provides a bit of encouragement. Stick with it and keep encouraging him
All the best
Karen

[Jo53]

Your son has been in his school just five months: this would be quite soon for him to be confident in speaking French. I know you hear lots of people say that their kids are chatting away in French after 3 months - those sort of stories always made me feel that there was something wrong, because it didn't happen that way with us.

Our son was only 4 when we arrived, much younger than yours but perhaps there are some parallels. He went straight in to ecole maternelle. He did not speak a word of French to anyone for the whole of the first academic year. He learned to understand French, but didn't speak. Towards the end of the year he made one friend - before that he didn't join in at all. We were told by friends who had worked with asylum seeker children in the UK that it is quite normal for a child to spend the first six months absorbing the language and assessing his/her new situation. Only after this initial absorption period does the language that has gone in start to come out.

Last summer we found a permanent home and our son started at the village school here in September. The situation was transformed, and he quickly made friends and integrated fully, and now chats away in French. It just took time. He is not the most extrovert of children - maybe the more extrovert ones come out of their shells more quickly. At 10, your son is probably self-conscious and unwilling to make a fool of himself (as he might see it); he may be waiting until he feels confident enough to hold his own.

I agree with Richard though, that bullying may be a possibility.

Hang in there. I know the guilt feelings, we had them too, it really hurts to see your child suffer.

Jo