Mochas Posted January 9, 2006 Share Posted January 9, 2006 Some of the people in the Education section currently concernedabout the increasing cultural dominance of the USA, and particularlyabout its impact on the purity of the English language, may bereassured by the following news item: Message from John Cleese to the Citizens of the USAIn light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USAand thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocationof your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign MajestyQueen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states,commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does notfancy).Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor forAmerica without the need for further elections. Congress and theSenate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next yearto determine whether any of you noticed.To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the followingrules are introduced with immediate effect:You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Thenlook up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will beamazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and'neighbour'. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' withoutskipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by thesuffix -ise.Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptablelevels (look up vocabulary). Using the same twenty-seven wordsinterspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is anunacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no suchthing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. TheMicrosoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of thereinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen".July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers,or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapistsshows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should onlybe handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things outwithout suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grownup enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed toown or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permitwill be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is foryour own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand whatwe mean.All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you willstart driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, youwill go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit ofconversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help youunderstand the British sense of humour.The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have beencalling gasoline) - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French friesare not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potatochips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried inanimal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actuallybeer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referredto as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance willbe referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to asNear-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk offurther confusion.Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as goodguys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to playEnglish characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialoguein Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one'sears removed with a cheese grater.You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind ofproper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will,in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities toAmerican football, but does not involve stopping for a rest everytwenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch ofnancies).Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to hostan event called the World Series for a game which is not playedoutside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is aworld beyond your borders, your error is understandable.You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty'sGovernment will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of allmonies due (backdated to 1776).Thank you for your co-operation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnM Posted January 27, 2006 Share Posted January 27, 2006 I seem to recall that "a person of note" (I forget the name) once took a sip of American beer, put the glass back on the bar and said "Put it back in the horse". Has anyone else heard that story and can you remember who it is atributed to? It came to mind whilst in the US last week, but I couldn't remember who said it and it's driving me mad! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beryl Posted January 27, 2006 Share Posted January 27, 2006 It was H. Allen Smith, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lori Posted January 29, 2006 Share Posted January 29, 2006 Mochas - I haven't enjoyed anything so much in ages ! Thanks for posting it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnM Posted January 29, 2006 Share Posted January 29, 2006 [quote user="beryl"]It was H. Allen Smith, [/quote]Thank you. although I must now confess that I don't know who he is! However, he is soo right, anything that has to have so much chilling to enhance/hide its flavour can not be good! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adrian Squires Posted March 16, 2006 Share Posted March 16, 2006 I worked with Americans on a base in Yorkshire for many years. One couple on being returned to the USA after a tour of duty here were asked what they thought of their time in the UK and had they visited lots of places. The told me that they arrived in the UK at Mildenhall 3 years previously and after arriving at their accomodation on base had never left. They had never even been into town a mere 5 miles away.They said they hated Europe and England and couldn't wait to get back to the USA. Says it all really Aidy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
powerdesal Posted March 17, 2006 Share Posted March 17, 2006 I believe they also had deliveries of American bread and milk flown indaily from the USA so that they did not get the 'nasty local stuff',and some people think that Brits in France act strangly where food isconcerned!!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suze01 Posted March 17, 2006 Share Posted March 17, 2006 Thanks Mochas, I really enjoyed reading that.So, when's it going to happen? [;)] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tresco Posted March 17, 2006 Share Posted March 17, 2006 What Mochas posted is very funny, but I don't think we should write our American cousins off just yet.One of them made this! You can tell by the pronunciation of the word 'vitamin', (turn sound on) but we'll let that be for now.http://www.wimp.com/guinea/I promise this is the last time I'll post The Link That Jond[*] Found. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WJT Posted March 17, 2006 Share Posted March 17, 2006 Very funny Mochas and Tresco.I have met strange people of all nationalities but to use an individual case and then to make a statement of "Says it all really". "Says it all really" of the individual making the statement in my opinion . Interesting that powerdesal knows these same individuals. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
powerdesal Posted March 18, 2006 Share Posted March 18, 2006 WJT,My apologies for misleading you ( and others), I do not know theindividual family referred to by Adrian Squires, my use of "they" wasrelated to the US Airforce as an organisation who fly in foodstuff on a daily basis for their personnel and families who arestationed in UK and who do not wish to use locally produced goods orservices.Apogies once more for the 'confusion'regards Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hkm27uk Posted March 18, 2006 Share Posted March 18, 2006 I am new to the forum so hello. That was brilliant and really wish it was true. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
le bouffon Posted March 18, 2006 Share Posted March 18, 2006 God bless the US of A,without them we would be speaking russian,as one who lived in the states I salute them,and not only for saving europe but the french vines as well.(something the french never speak about) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pip Posted March 18, 2006 Share Posted March 18, 2006 Spot on Bouff ! The France we enjoy today is greatly due to the many American kids who lost their lives to help set it free. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pip Posted March 18, 2006 Share Posted March 18, 2006 On a lighter note Mochas - your post creased me up ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harley Posted March 19, 2006 Share Posted March 19, 2006 Made me smile! Thanks. But, as someone took it onto the track of WW2, could I ask if I am correct in thinking the USA only became involved in that conflict because the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbour and prior to that, they were quite happy to let us get on with it?[8-)] Now before anyone jumps down my throat, I am actually interested and I am certain that someone on this forum will be more knowledgeable on the subject.[:)] Cheers! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tresco Posted March 19, 2006 Share Posted March 19, 2006 [IMG]http://i69.photobucket.com/albums/i76/twinm/canofworms.jpg[/IMG]Harley I doubt we''ll ever know the truth but conspiracy theories abound about Pearl Harbour. That it was not a sneaky unexpected attack; far from it, and it was allowed to happen because FDR wanted a solid reason to get the public and political reaction neccessary to get the USA into the war. I have no idea how legitimate these theories are. I have tried to research it but I think you'd need to be an expert political/forces historian to be able to sift the evidence for yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
le bouffon Posted March 19, 2006 Share Posted March 19, 2006 Think you will find that it was a german sub that sunk an unarmed US ship that got USofA into the european theatre in world war 2,does one take from you snide comments that you would of liked the USA to of stayed out?Just to add I have been to pearl harbour. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tresco Posted March 19, 2006 Share Posted March 19, 2006 [quote user="le bouffon"] ...does one take from you snide comments that you would of liked the USA to of stayed out? [/quote]Which poster are you referring to? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
le bouffon Posted March 19, 2006 Share Posted March 19, 2006 Does one really need to say dear? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pip Posted March 19, 2006 Share Posted March 19, 2006 Personally I take my hat off to all our brave forces, of any nationality, who brought this terrible war to an end. They are to be remembered and revered. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tresco Posted March 19, 2006 Share Posted March 19, 2006 [quote user="le bouffon"]Does one really need to say dear?[/quote]Still not sure; as you used the word 'dear' I thought it couldn't possibly apply to me. If it was me, I refute your claim that I was being 'snidey' entirely. Read my post again, and this time inwardly digest it. It was carefully worded, but there was nothing snide about it. Here's part of the reason why:HMS Nelson. Battleship: Mined twice while my father was serving on her.[IMG]http://i69.photobucket.com/albums/i76/twinm/hmsnelson.jpg[/IMG]Here's another: HMS Manchester: Light Cruiser (my fathers descriptions of this ship don't conjure up the word 'cruiser' to me, but there you go).[IMG]http://i69.photobucket.com/albums/i76/twinm/hmsmanchesterlostthrteenaugninetenn.jpg[/IMG]Torpedoed early August 1942, off the coast of Tunisia. My father saw and heard his friends dying. (For some reason Royal Marines were always best mates with the 'stokers' ). My father heard, but was unable to help his friends who died very horrible deaths. Ship ordered to be scuttled by Captain. My father and his surviving comrades were in the sea for 6 hours. Many of them died. Some were picked up by the Italians and spent the rest of the war as POW's. My father was picked up by a friendly ship and returned to active service within days. The ship that picked him up was lost with all hands a few days later. That's just my dad, just a very small part of the 5 years of that war that he fought. There were other 'conflicts'. I'll leave the rest of the family out of this.When I pointed out to Harley that the reasons America entered the war are not clear cut (and may never be in our life-time) I was suggesting that it is an interesting part of history, but that popular conception is not always neccesarily truth. Much of what people seem to believe about Pearl Harbour is based on propaganda films from that period, and their school history lessons. My father told me frequently that what I was taught inschool about WW2, what we saw in films and even documentaries was not true. Some things he only learnt long after the war, when he started going to various reunions. I have respect for veterans. My father and I argued about just about everything, (as you can imagine, and funnily you and he would probably have got on very well LOL), but I have always had great respect for what he and millions like him did in active service, on the front line so to speak, and, as Pip said, whatever their nationality. That doesn't mean I can't be interested in and question the even less savoury aspects of war than the fact that thousands or millions of people die as a result of them.Dig a little deeper for yourself Le Bouffon. Perhaps ask yourself if the Americans broke the Japanese war code 'purple' in 1940 why the attack on Pearl Harbour was not prevented?. I don't know, and felt I made that clear in my earlier post. Perhaps you can understand the complex documents and arguments better than I can?Ask yourself if, in the early 1960's the joint chiefs were submitting documents suggesting blowing up a plane full of American Students, or an American military vessel, and making it look like it was the Cubans, why other events - both earlier and later - are not questionable?. Google 'Northwood Operations', you can go all the way back to the Natonal Archives to find the fascmiles of the original documents. I feel I have made a reasoned response and I won't respond to anything other than one.I've edited after checking some facts with my brothers (who between them know just about all of it, including the hand to hand combat). My father himself told me very little. Not suitable for girls, yet he taught me to always question it all, because he saw so many lies being told. I wish I had believed him when I was 20. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
le bouffon Posted March 20, 2006 Share Posted March 20, 2006 So the code was broken,not all the ships that the japanese thought would be there were,and anyway what could the US of done to stop them,if they had shot the planes down that would of been an act of war.At the time the two sides were still talking was the bombing started. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harley Posted March 20, 2006 Share Posted March 20, 2006 Firstly apologies to Mochas for turning the direction of their post. Le Bouffon, if you thought I was being snide, I suggest you read my post again. It was typed out of a genuine interest. I didn't take Tresco's post as being snide either, so why should you? I do however, think that your response was snide....dear![:'(] Tresco was correct, for my part, in saying that History taught at school is not always comprehensive enough in these subjects. I wanted to learn about subjects like this but instead we learnt about thing like the Iran/Iraq war. Thank you Tresco for your input. I hadn't got as far as conspiracy theories but that just makes it an even more interesting line of discussion. My Grandparent's lived through and took part in WW2. It was not a subject they liked to talk about. I think it is a period in our history that should never be forgotten and a discussion of it doesn't need to turn into a battleground.The world today could have been a very different place had not so many people given their lives to ensure that we continued to live in a free and democratic society. The younger generation who were not there, can only try to imagine what it must have been like. Terrifying I should think. They all have my thanks, not just the Americans.[:D] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
le bouffon Posted March 20, 2006 Share Posted March 20, 2006 I learnt more about history after I left school all them years ago.As to your last few lines no one could disagree with then,but to infere that the USof A wanted a war is a little silly,that is what I find snidey. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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