A Guide to France!!!!

[jxedwards]

Just got this e-mail from a Canadian friend.

Any comments?

John

 

Guide to France

 

** General Overview

France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent of Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though not nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular importance and with no decent shops. France is a very old country with many treasures, such as the Louvre and Euro Disney. Among its contributions to western civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese and the guillotine. Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible for Americans to get decent Mexican food. A continuing exasperation for American visitors is that local people insist on speaking in French, though many WILL speak English, if shouted at.

** People

France has a population of 56 million people. 52 million of these drink and smoke (the other 4 million are small children). All French people drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed, and have no concept of standing patiently in a queue, or line. The French people are in general, gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof and undisciplined; and those are their good points. Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would hardly guess it from their behaviour. Many people are communists. Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie or Michel, and they kiss each other when they meet. American travellers are advised to travel in groups and wear baseball caps or Stetson hats, big belt buckles, cowboy boots and colourful trousers for easier recognition.

** Safety

In general, France is a safe destination, although travellers must be aware that from time to time it is invaded by Germany. Traditionally, the French surrender immediately and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and the increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices, life for the American visitor generally goes on much as before. A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the French government to flee to London during future German invasions.

** History

France 's historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now an airport.

** Government

The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held more or less continuously and always result in a draw. The French love administration so for governmental purposes, the country is divided into regions, departments, districts, municipalities, towns, communes, villages, cafes, and telephone kiosks. Each of these has its own government and elections. Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (though confusingly they are both on the ground floor), and whose members are either Gaullists or Communists, neither of whom should be trusted by the traveller. Parliament's principal occupation is setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific and acting indignant and surprised when other countries complain. According to the most current American State Department intelligence, the President is now someone named Jacques. Further information is not available at this time.

** Culture

The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to see why. All their music sounds the same and they have never made a movie that you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes.

** Cuisine

Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants on the other hand, are excellent, although it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this.

** Economy

France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's in Europe, which is surprising because the French hardly work at all. If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors. France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, guns, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.

** Public Holidays

France has more holidays than any other nation in the world. Among its 361 national holidays are: 197 Saints' days, 37 National Liberation Days, 16 Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return-of-Charles-de-Gaulle-in-triumph-as-if-he-won-the-war-single-handed Days, 18 Napoleon-sent-into-Exile Days, 17 Napoleon-called-back-from-Exile Days and 2 France-is-Great-and-the-Rest-of-the-World-is-Trash Days.

** Conclusion

France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape, and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if French people did not inhabit it. The best thing that can be said for France is that it is not Germany.

[Beryl]

Yes

It is the kind of bigoted rubbish that comes from a small section of the US that need to get out and see more of the world !

 

[Bugsy]

What do you expect from a nation that gave us 'Macdonalds' and 'Hershie Bars'.

[Dick Smith]

"In general, France is

a safe destination, although travellers must be aware that from time to

time it is invaded by Germany. Traditionally, the French surrender

immediately and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and

the increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market

prices, life for the American visitor generally goes on much as before."

Franco Prussian War (1870) France lost 150,000 soldiers killed, 350,000 civilians.

World War One (1914-1918) France lost 1,397,000 soldiers killed and 500,000 civilians

World War Two (1939-1945) France lost 220,000 soldiers killed, 267,000 civilians

So, the cheese-eating surrender monkeys lost two million, eight hundred and eighty four thousand citizens - presumably all shot in the back whilst running away?

Doesn't anyone ever think about this offensive rubbish before they spread it round the net?

My conclusion is that your Canadian friend should grow up.

[Valleyboy]

Dick

Thanks for that much-needed reminder.

[Beryl]

I love the humour in these T shirts designed and made by Native Americans , ( NOT those that can trace their history back to the Mayflower!)    http://www.cafepress.com/ndnpress/81761

I thought I might get the 'fighting terrorism since 1492'  for my next visit state side, I'm sure it will go down well.

[Dick Smith]

Great! You've just found the perfect present for my son's f-i-l who claims to be a fullblooded something or other, he'd love all that!

[Beryl]

How times change . 100 years ago US policy was to try and anglicize the Native Indians nowadays every American wants to be related to Pocanhontas !

[jxedwards]

Unless you are from the deep south where most of them tend to be blood relations of their spouse's 'kin folk'!!!!!

[Dick Smith]

He is.

Are you going out of your way to offend everybody today?

[Bugsy]

I give you America

Here it is  .............................and this is for real

[powerdesal]

[quote user="Bugbear"]

I give you America

Here it is  .............................and this is for real

[/quote]

Quite superficial instructions, there was no mention of "leading the target" ( ie aiming off ) to compensate for target movement. [:)]

[TreizeVents]

They got the population wrong by 7 million. 

[TreizeVents]

They also got it wrong about stock market prices and baseball scores.  One can buy the International Herald Tribune even in the backwater town in Herault where I live, early in the morning on the same day it is published.  They have daily baseball scores and pages on the markets.  And there are at least two good shops in Montpellier.

However, I have read similar books and accounts emanating from Britain.  A reminder to all those of you who have knee jerk anti-American reactions.  Both the Brits and the Yanks are attempting humour when they talk like that.  I am told.

[TreizeVents]

[quote user="Bugbear"]

I give you America

Here it is  .............................and this is for real

[/quote]

One thing I like about America is that you really can't tell if normal life there is a spoof, or if its just normal life.  I read your Firearms URL article and thought it was a joke.  I guess you thought it was for real.  Its a great country.  Anyone see Little Miss Sunshine?  Combination of searing critique, terribly funny movie and just ordinary life.

[RumziGal]

[quote user="TreizeVents"]And there are at least two good shops in Montpellier.
[/quote]

ROFL!!!    TreizeVents, you are wicked!   

I hereby give you honorary membership of the select band known as the Witches of Languedoc.   Joining fees and initiation ceremony details available from your nearest Witch.   You'll know one when you see one. 

[RumziGal]

[quote user="TreizeVents"]Anyone see Little Miss Sunshine?  Combination of searing critique, terribly funny movie and just ordinary life.
[/quote]

Yeah, good innit?   

WHERE'S OLIVE?  [:-))] [:)]

[Beryl]

[quote user="TreizeVents"]
  A reminder to all those of you who have knee jerk anti-American reactions.  Both the Brits and the Yanks are attempting humour when they talk like that.  I am told.
[/quote]

I don't have knee jerk anti American reactions [:D] I just get irked when I read nonsense about the French role in the 2 World Wars, it is too serious an issue and too insensitive to be humerous. 

I read a story last week about a French woman that helped allied soldiers escape through the Pyrenees. Her network was betrayed by one  ( British)  she had helped. I understand why he did it, he had been captured by the Gestapo and was afraid but the point is that even whilst  France was occupied, people were still willing to put themselves and their families lives in peril to help others. 

In a graveyard near me, the remains of allied airmen are interred and even after 60 plus years, the locals still put flowers on these graves. 

 The French remember what the all Allies did for France, yet it seems some Americans have never known what the French have done for them.

Sorry to get so heavy on such a lovely morning, but this topic presses one of my buttons.[:)]

[RumziGal]

[quote user="Beryl"]

 The French remember what the all Allies did for France, yet it seems some Americans have never known what the French have done for them.

[/quote]

Some French might remember, but by no means all of them.   From what I've experienced down in the south here, I would say that there's a shameful lack of recognition given to any other nationality's part in the world wars.

[Bugsy]

[quote user="TreizeVents"]
One thing I like about America is that you really can't tell if normal life there is a spoof, or if its just normal life.  I read your Firearms URL article and thought it was a joke.  I guess you thought it was for real. 

[/quote]

That is a genuine website and the comments are for real. Read some of our 'mercun friends comments on this current thread on a Triumph site.

Here

[TreizeVents]

[quote user="Bugbear"]

[quote user="TreizeVents"]

One thing I like about America is that you really can't tell if normal life there is a spoof, or if its just normal life.  I read your Firearms URL article and thought it was a joke.  I guess you thought it was for real. 

[/quote]

That is a genuine website and the comments are for real. Read some of our 'mercun friends comments on this current thread on a Triumph site.

Here

[/quote]

Like I said, its hard to tell what is real and what is a joke in the America we all love.  But there are plenty of folks in the UK that THINK like that, but just can't carry guns.  And in France, you never know.  Hand guns are a bit rarer, but my neighbour, in our gentle suburb, claims he has seven rifles and shotguns, at least.  Out of a sense of self preservation, I don't argue with him when he consistently breaks local laws.  In France you never know.

[Bugsy]

[quote user="TreizeVents"]
Like I said, its hard to tell what is real and what is a joke in the America we all love. 

[/quote]

I'm sorry I even bothered, but then......................

"You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can not fool all of the people all of the time."

Someone called A.Lincoln if it's real, of course.................................[:@]

 

[Renaud]

Earth's entry in the Hitch-hiker's Guide was: mostly harmless.

[Alan Zoff]

Well I found it funny.

Doesn't mean I consider it all to be true, any more than the author does.

Shades of Private Eye.

Perhaps objectors would have found it more acceptable if it had been aimed at Italy rather than France.

[Jc]

Just remember that it has been said that most French have said that they preferred to be occupied by the Germans than to be liberated by the Americans!!