One or two to giggle at

[Weedon]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went golfing.

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

 

[cooperlola]

A husband comes down to breakfast. His wife is cooking eggs.

She says "Make love to me, right now."

Thinking that Christmas has arrived early, he obliges.  Afterwards, he says, "What was that all about?"

"The egg timer's broken."

[Gluestick]

Wife goes to the doctor, complaining about her husband's lack of interest.

Doc says, "Well, I shouldn't do this without seeing him, but if you put one of these pills into his food each day, things will rapidly look up!"

A couple of weeks later the doctor sees his patient in the street.

"So, how are things?" he asks.

"Fantastic," she says. "The other day, for example, he ripped all my clothes off and made hot passionate love to me over the freezer!"

"Great!" said the Doc,"So everything's all right, now?"

"Wonderful!" she replied, "We can't shop in Champion anymore though!"

[:D]

 

A blonde woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

 

She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

 

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

 

The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this?  

Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."

[Pads]

An elderly couple were lying in bed one night.
 
The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood for a change and wanted to talk.
 
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
 
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
 
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."
 
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and then settled back down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to nibble my ears and bite my neck."

Angrily, he threw back the bedclothes, got out of bed, and stomped out of the room.
 
"Where are you going?" she called after him.

"To get my teeth!"

[suein56]

Pads that is just so funny ...

I am giggling away here.

Sue [:D][:D]

[Frenchie]

Here too !!! [:D][:D]      

That is really funny.........

I'm going to say it at work tomorrow.. in French ...

Thanks !