A True story....

[Keni]

This might get edited, but I have printed it eactly as it arrived with me as it is so funny...

> Subject: Police Complaint - just brilliant! >
> 
   This is a genuine complaint to Devon
> & Cornwall Police Force from an angry member of the
> public. A true email sent to the force, lengthy
> but brilliantly written

 
   Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone
> answering service,
>                  Having spent the past twenty minutes
> waiting for someone at Bodmin police  station to pick up a
> telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try
> e-mailing you instead.
>                  Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass
> this message on to your colleagues  in Bodmin, by means of
> smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.
>                  As I'm writing this e-mail there are
> eleven failed medical experiments (I  think you call them
> youths) in St Mary's Crescent, which is just off St
> Mary's Road in Bodmin.
>                  Six of them seem happy enough to play a
> game which involves kicking a  football against an iron gate
> with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth
> shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire
> building.
>                  This game is now in its third week and as
> I am unsure how the scoring system  works, I have no idea if
> it will end any time soon.
>                  The remaining five failed-abortions are
> happily rummaging through several  bags of rubbish and items
> of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside
> the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting
> about a discarded chair like a  beaver on ecstasy pills.
>                  I fear that it's only a matter of
> time before they turn their limited  attention to the
> caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between the
> two bins.
>                  If they could be relied on to only blow
> their own arms and legs off then I  would happily leave them
> to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches.
>                  Unfortunately they are far more likely to
> blow up half the street with them  and I've just
> finished decorating the kitchen.
>                  What I suggest is this - after replying
> to this e-mail with worthless  assurances that the matter is
> being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it
> until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when
> there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a
> Panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing
> again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to
> remind us what policemen actually look like.
>                  I trust that when I take a claw hammer to
> the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the
> same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before
> coming to arrest me. 
>                  I remain your obedient servant
>
>                  ???????
--------------------------------------------------------------
>                  Mr ??????,
>                  I have read your e-mail and understand
> your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in
> the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to
> contact the police.
>                  As the Community Beat Officer for your
> street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the
> matter fully with you.
>                  Should you wish to discuss the matter,
> please provide contact details  (address / telephone number)
> and when may be suitable.
>                  Regards
>                  PC ???????
>                  Community Beat Officer
-----------------------------------------------------------------

>                  Dear PC ???????
>                  First of all I would like to thank you
> for the speedy response to my original e-mail.
>                  16 hours and 38 minutes must be a
> personal record for Bodmin Police Station,  and rest assured
> that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for
> inclusion in his next Guinness book.
>                  Secondly I was delighted to hear that our
> street has its own Community Beat Officer.
>                  May I be the first to congratulate you on
> your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in
> St Mary's Crescent, I have never seen you. Do you hide
> up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated
> the  gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the
> moustache on his forehead or the one  with a chin like a
> wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time
> before you are head-hunted by MI5 to look for Osama.
>                  Whilst I realise that there may be far
> more serious crimes taking place in Bodmin, such as smoking
> in a public place or being Christian without due care and
> attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain
> (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to
> these twats that they might want to play their strange
> football game elsewhere.
>                  The pitch on Fairpark Road, or the one at
> Priory Park are both within spitting distance as is the
> bottom of the Par Dock, the latter being the preferred
> option especially if the tide is in.
>                  Should you wish to discuss these matters
> further you should feel free to contact me on
> <???????>. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to
> answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle
> Pub.
>                  Regards
>                  ?????????
>                  P.S If you think that this is sarcasm,
> think yourself lucky that you don't work for the
> sewerage department with whom I am also in contact !!!

[Keni]

I hope this story is putting smiles on everyone faces - I know I crease up each time I read it.

[Cat]

Sorry Keni, but I first read this about 5 years ago, but at that time it was about the Edinburgh police, and the station mentioned was Leith.

It is funny though [:)]

[Keni]

I have only just received it - The fact they mention all the roads is great, how many people in the area are trying to figure out who wrote this version?

[Boiling a frog]

We used to get calls about street football all the time.When it was pointed out that playing football in the street was decriminalised in 1975 the complainers invariably went off on one, swearing and giving dogs abuse to the recipient. A swift visit from the local patrol car soon put their gas at a peep