Heaven......................

[Bugsy]

The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years.  Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.



 

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

 One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

     

 

They reached the pearly gates, and St.. Peter escorted them inside.  He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.  A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.

 They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven.  This will be your home now.'



 

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.  'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

 The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..

'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.

 'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied.  'You can play for free, every day.'

               

 

 

 

 

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

 'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man.  This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

 The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.

That's the best part,' St. Peter replied.  'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.   

 This is Heaven!'



 

The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'

 'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

 'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or....'

'Never again.  All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

                                          

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f**king bran Flakes.  We could have been here ten years ago!'

.

 

[Clair]

Sorry BB, Ernie got here first...

http://www.completefrance.com/cs/forums/1493022/ShowPost.aspx

[Bugsy]

Sorry, I should have known......Ernie was, after all, the fastest milkman in the West..............[:)]

How about this one then..............

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said,  'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and  finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

[JayJay]

Give up BB & it was you that posted it! http://www.completefrance.com/cs/forums/3/1095892/ShowPost.aspx#1095892 [:-))]

Merry Christmas! [:D]

[Bugsy]

I'll give up.......[:D][:D]..................after this one.

THE DUCK AND THE LAWYER

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

 As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing...

 The litigator responded, 'I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it..'

 The old farmer replied, 'This is my property, and you are not coming over here.'

 The indignant lawyer said, 'I am one of the best trial lawyers in New Zealand and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.'

 The old farmer smiled and said, 'Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Wairarapa . We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'

 The lawyer asked, 'What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?'

 The Farmer replied, 'Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.'

 The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

 The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!

 His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pat.

 Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, 'Okay, you old f**t. Now it's my turn.'

 The old farmer smiled and said, 'Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.'

Merry Christmas......

[tegwini]

Hopefully not beaten by anyone! And, I didn't write it either, but  ...

 

Tegwini

 

A young man named Gordon bought a donkey from an old farmer for £100.00.

 The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day, but when the farmer

 drove up he said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news... the donkey is on my

 truck, but unfortunately he's dead."

 Gordon replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "I can't do that, because I've spent it already."

Gordon said, "OK then, well just unload the donkey anyway."

 The farmer asked, "What are you going to do with him?"

Gordon answered, "I'm going to raffle him off."

To which the farmer exclaimed, "Surely you can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

But Gordon, with a wicked smile on his face said, "Of course I can, you watch

 me. I just won't bother to tell anybody that he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Gordon and asked, "What happened

 with that dead donkey?"

Gordon said, "I raffled him off, sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece, and

 made a huge, fat profit!!"

Totally amazed, the farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain that you had stolen

 their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?"

To which Gordon replied, "The only guy who found out about the donkey being

 dead was the raffle winner when he came to claim his prize. So I gave him his

 £2 raffle ticket money back plus an extra £200, which as you know is double

 the going rate for a donkey, so he thought I was a great guy!!"

 Gordon grew up and eventually became the Chancellor of the Exchequer, and no

 matter how many times he lied, or how much money he stole from the British

 voters, as long as he gave them back some of the stolen money, most of them,

 unfortunately, still thought he was a great guy ***

 

 The moral of this story is that, if you think Gordon is about to play fair and

do something

for the everyday people of the country for once in his miserable, lying life,

think again my

 friend, because you'll be better off flogging a dead donkey!