Scooby Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts,and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken downand now published by court reporters that had the torment of stayingcalm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.______________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?WITNESS: I forget.ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?WITNESS: My name is Susan! _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?WITNESS: We both do.ATTORNEY: Voodoo?WITNESS: We do.ATTORNEY: You do?WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?______________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!_____________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: How many were boys?WITNESS: None.ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?WITNESS: By death.ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Guess._____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?_____________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?WITNESS: Oral.______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?____________________________________________ --- And the best for last: --- ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mme poivre Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 Thank you they made me chuckle Jx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Théière Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 I love the last one, [:D]I loved it the first time I heard it too [:P] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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