Re: Laugh for today.

[Bugsy]

Medical Issues with Senior  Sex

 

 After his physical exam, the doctor said to the elderly man,  'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?' 

 

 'In fact, I do,' said the old man. 'After I have sex, I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.' 

 

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, 'Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'  The old lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. 

 

 

 The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?' 

 

 

 'Oh, that crazy old fart,' she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in August, and the second time is usually in January.'

[Frenchie]

[:D][:D][:D]  Hee hee [:D][:P]

[AnOther]

Harold Shipmans last meal was a curry.

When asked by a fellow inmate if he had enjoyed it he replied.

"Yes, but I could have murdered a nan"

*******************************

Why did the bakers hands smell ?

>

>

>

>

Because he kneaded a poo

*******************************

A leper goes into Blockbuster Video and says:

"Have you got My Left Foot"?

*******************************

Two OAP's are at Mass

The wife leans over and says to her husband "I just let out a silent fart, what should I do"

"Put a new battery in your hearing aid" he replied.

[Weedon]

[IMG]http://i15.photobucket.com/albums/a372/weedonwite/frontfelloff.gif[/IMG]

Comedy sketch about the front falling off this ship.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WcU4t6zRAKg

[just john]

Some have been married toooooooooooo long
Three women: one engaged, one married and one a Mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze and guage their men.   That night all three will wear a black leather bodice, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet up for Lunch.

The engaged Woman:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a Black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are The woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night Long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was Wearing the leather bodice, heels, and mask over my eyes and a raincoat... When I Opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all Night.

The married Woman:
I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night.
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, Stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batwoman?

[thunderhorse]

A woman in her thirties is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, 'Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?'

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, 'I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18-year-old.'

The husband replies, 'What did he say about your 42-year old @rse?'

'Your name never came up,' she replied.

[nectarine]

Men are More Happier than Women

Nicknames:
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

Eating Out:
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

Money:
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

Bathrooms:
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

Arguments:
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Future:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Sucess:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Marriage:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

Dressing Up:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Offspring:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Thought for the Day:
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

 

   

[valB]

Two ladies having coffee together, one woman said that it was her birthday and she would probaby get the usual roses.

The other woman said that would be nice so what is the problem

First woman said it would mean she would have to lie on her back with her legs in the air for ages

Second woman said " why...don't you have a vase "

[Meg]

[IMG]http://i53.photobucket.com/albums/g65/louweezel/skidmark.jpg[/IMG]

[+o(]

[splishsplash]

Harley and God

Harley Davidson died and went

to heaven and was boasting to god how he had createdthe best motor bike

in the world. God disagreed with Harley and said BMW were a better

designed Bike. Harley said what do you know about design you created

woman and lookat the problems we have with them.

God says ahem and replied back to Harley

"I Think you will find a lot more men are riding my creation than yours." 

Swimming in Paris Makes you In-seine

Foreign Food

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.

On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.

The French and Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.

Conclusion:

Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.

and ..... 'But doctor,' protested the expat, 'it's impossible for my wife

to be pregnant. I've been working in Saudi Arabia for the last year - I

haven't been back home in all that time.'

'I'm sorry,' said the doctor, 'but that's what we in the medical profession call a grudge pregnancy.'

'What' that?'

'I'm afraid that someone had it in for you,'

[Alan Zoff]

Probably been around a while but this one-liner - from Phoenix Nights - made me laugh:

"Doctor, I've got a steering wheel stuck down the front of me trousers and it's driving me nuts."

[AnOther]

A bought a 50" flat panel TV the other day for £100. It was in perfect condition except the volume control didn't work.

At that price I just couldn't turn it down.

Boom boom [:D]

[Dave&Olive]

Four men were sitting around a conference room table
being interviewed for a job.

The interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you
know of?'

The first man replied, 'A thought.' It pops into your
head, there's no forewarning that it's on the way;
it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know
of.'

'That's very good,' replied the interviewer.


'And now you, sir,' he asked the second man.


'Hmmm, let me see..... a blink!,' said the second man.

'It comes and goes and you don't know it ever
happened.

A blink is the fastest thing I know of.'




'Excellent!', said the interviewer. The blink of an
eye. That's a very popular cliche for speed.'

The interviewer then turned to the third man who was
contemplating his reply.

'Well,' said the third candidate, 'out on my dad's
ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there
is a light switch. When you flip that switch, way
across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in
an instant. Turning on a light is the fastest thing I
can think of.'


 The interviewer was very impressed with the third
candidate's answer and thought he had found his man.



'It's hard to beat the speed of light.', the
interviewer said.


Turning to the fourth man, he posed the
same question.


'After hearing the three previous answers, it's
obvious to me the fastest thing known is diarrhea,' said the man.


'What!' said the interviewer, stunned by the response.


'Oh, I can explain,' said the man. You see, the
other day I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the
bathroom.
But, before I could think, blink, or turn on the
light, I sh*t my pants.'

The guy got the job.

           Dave

[Georgina]

Thanks everyone for making me laugh so much.....[:)][:)][:)]  keep going please.

 

Georgina

[tuppence]

The examination.


Before the examination, Bob asked the doctor if he had ever laughed at a patient's problem.

The Doctor replied 'Of course I don't laugh, I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never ever laughed at a patient.'

'Okay then,' Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen.

It couldn't have been bigger than an AAA battery. Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor.

Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regained his composure.

'I'm so sorry,' said the doctor, ' I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again.

 

 Now, what seems to be the problem?'

'It's swollen,' Bob replied.

 tuppence and still laughing at all the other posts.[:)]

 

 

[splishsplash]

The Welsh Spy

Not long after the Cold War began, it so happened that a

socialist Welshman John Jones by name was in London.

He

happened to be sitting in a park one day when a man in a

trench coat came and sat beside him.

"Voud you be interested in spying on ze Briddish?" asked the

stranger in a thick Russian accent.

"Sure I would, boyo", said John Jones cheerfully. "For we

Welsh have been oppressed for years. I'm on your side!"

"Very well... Ze password vill be, "Ze geese fly high over

ze frozen pond while ze sun shines." Got that?"

"Right you are", says John. '"Ze geese fly high over ze

frozen pond while ze sun shines. What do I have to do now?"

"Nuzzing for ze moment... Ve vill activate you ven ve haf

need of you. It may be a year, it may be 10 years, but ve

vill. Vill you be ready? You vill remember ze password?

"I will", said John eagerly, and returned to his small

home village in Wales.

Although John waited eagerly, the call never came.

Ten years, twenty, thirty ... until 1999, when a command

came from the Russian HQ to activate agent John Jones

immediately.

A Russian agent headed for the little village

where John Jones lived, only to find there were 300 John

Joneses listed for the area. He scratched his head and

decided that he would go to the local pub and try the

password until he found his man.

So, the Russian agent headed off to the local pub and

ordered a pint of beer. He saw a man standing alone at one

end of the counter, and thought he might as well begin.

He

sidled across to the solitary drinker, watching the crowd

about him with cautious eyes.

"Nice evening, said the Russian."

"Yes", said the drinker.

"Is your name Jones? asked the Russian."

"Yes", said the drinker.

"Funny, isn't it, said the Russian agent, the geese fly

high over the wintry pond while the sun shines."

The drinker tossed back his beer and said:

""It's not me you'll be wanting. You want Jones the spy,

over by the window".

[Alan Zoff]

Lady rings her local hospital:
> >
> >
> >
> > 'Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She
> > was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if
> > her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'
> >
> >
> >
> > 'Do you know which ward she is in?'
> >
> >
> >
> > 'Yes, ward P, room 2B'
> >
> >
> >
> > 'I'll just put you through to the nurse station.'
> >
> >
> >
> > 'Hello, ward P, how can I help?'
> >
> >
> >
> > 'I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I
> > was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or
> > improved?'
> >
> >
> >
> > 'I'll just check her notes.   Well,  I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's
> > condition has improved. She is out of danger, her
> > temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight,
> > she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.'
> >
> >
> >
> > 'Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!'
> >
> >
> >
> > 'You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?'
> >
> >
> >
> > 'No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. Nobody tells you f*** all in
> > here...'

[Bugsy]

Better than a Flu Shot!

 

  Miss Beatrice,  

The church organist,  

Was in her eighties  

And had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness  

And kindness to all.  

One afternoon the pastor  

Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint  

sitting room.  

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.  

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,  

The young minister  

Noticed a  cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.  

The bowl was filled  

With water, and in the water Floated, of all things, a condom!   

When she returned  

With tea and scones,  

They began to chat.  

The pastor tried to stifle  

 his curiosity  

About the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

 

'Miss Beatrice', he said,  

'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'  

Pointing to the bowl.  

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?  

I was walking through  

The Park a few months ago  

And I found this little package on the ground.  

The directions said  

to place it on the organ,  

keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.  

 Do you know I haven't had the flu All winter.'  

[Frenchie]

[:D][:D][:D]

Now I know what to do ............

 

 

 

 

to keep the flu at bay.......... [:D]

[splishsplash]

A guy has spent five years traveling all around the world making a

documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he has every

single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film.

He winds up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he pops into a pub for a

well earned beer. He gets talking to one of the local Aborigines and

tells him about his project.

The Aborigine asks the guy what he thought of the "Butcher Dance."

The guy's a bit confused and says, "Butcher Dance? What's that?"

"What? You no see Butcher Dance?"

"No, I've never heard of it."

"Oh mate. You crazy. How you say you film every native dance if you no see Butcher Dance?"

"Umm. I got a corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?"

"No no, not corroborree. Butcher Dance much more important than corroborree."

"Oh, well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?"

"Mate, Butcher Dance right out bush. Many days travel to go see Butcher Dance."

"Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest

darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these

dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance."

"OK, mate. You drive north along highway towards Darwin. After you

drive 197 miles, you see dirt track veer off to left. Follow dirt track

for 126 miles 'til you see big huge dead gum tree - biggest tree you

ever see. Here you gotta leave the car, because much too rough for

driving.

You strike out due west into setting sun. You walk 3 days 'til you hit

creek. You follow this creek to Northwest. After 2 days you find where

creek flows out of rocky mountains. Much too difficult to cross

mountains here though. You now head south for half day 'til you see

pass through mountains.

Pass very difficult and very dangerous. Take 2, maybe 3 days to get

through rocky pass. When through, head northwest for 4 days 'til reach

big huge rock - 20 ft high and shaped like man's head. From rock, walk

due west for 2 days and you find village. Here you see Butcher Dance."

So the guy grabs his camera crew and equipment and heads out. After a

couple of hours he finds the dirt track. The track is in a shocking

state and he's forced to crawl along at a snails pace and so he doesn't

reach the tree until dusk and he's forced to set up camp for the night.

He sets out bright and early the following morning. His spirits are

high and he's excited about the prospect of capturing on film this

mysterious dance which he had never heard mention of before.

True to the directions he has been given, he reaches the creek after

three days and follows it for another two until they reach the rocky

mountains. The merciless sun is starting to take its toll by this time

and his spirits are starting to flag, but wearily he trudges on until

he finds the pass through the hills - nothing will prevent him from

completing his life's dream.

The mountains prove to be every bit as treacherous as their guide said

and at times they almost despair of getting their bulky equipment

through. But after three and a half days of back breaking effort they

finally force their way clear and continue their long trek.

When they reach the huge rock, four days later, their water is running

low and their feet are covered with blisters. Yet they steel themselves

and head out on the last leg of their journey.

Two days later they virtually stagger into the village where the

natives feed them and give them fresh water. They begin to feel like

new men.

Once he's recovered enough, the guy goes before the village chief and tells him that he has come to film their Butcher Dance.

"Oh mate. Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too late. You miss dance."

"Well, when do you hold the next dance?"

"Not 'til next year."

"Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance for me, tonight?"

"No, no, no! Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. If hold

more, gods get very angry and destroy village! You want see Butcher

Dance you come back next year."

The guy is devastated, but he has no other option but to head back to civilization and back home.

The following year, he heads back to Australia and, determined not to

miss out again, sets out a week earlier than last time. He is quite

willing to spend a week in the village before the dance is performed in

order to ensure he is present to witness it. However, right from the

start things go wrong.

Heavy rains that year have turned the dirt track to mud and the car

gets bogged every few miles, finally forcing them to abandon their

vehicles and slog through the mud on foot almost half the distance to

the tree.

They reach the creek and the mountains without any further hitch, but

halfway through the ascent of the mountain they are struck by a fierce

storm which rages for several days, during which they are forced to

cling forlornly to the mountainside until it subsides. It would be

suicide to attempt to scale the treacherous paths in the face of such

savage elements.

Then, before they have traveled a mile out from the mountains, one of

the crew sprains his ankle badly which slows down the rest of their

journey enormously, to the rock and then the village.

Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they have been traveling, they stagger into the village at about 12:00 noon.

"The Butcher Dance!" gasps the guy. "Please don't tell me I'm too late!"

The chief recognizes him and says "No, white fella. Butcher Dance performed tonight. You come just in time."

Relieved beyond measure, the crew spends the rest of the afternoon

setting up their equipment - preparing to capture the night's ritual on

film as dusk falls, the natives start to cover there bodies in white

paint and adorn themselves in all manner of bird's feathers and animal

skins.

Once darkness has settled fully over the land, the natives form a circle around a huge roaring fire.

A deathly hush descends over performers and spectators alike as a

wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire

body enters the circle and begins to chant. Some sort of witch doctor

or medicine man, figures the guy and he whispers to the chief, "What's

he doing?"

"Hush," whispers the chief. "You first white man ever to see most

sacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the

spirits of the dream world watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them

through our dance and, if they like our dancing, will they be so

gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year."

The chanting of the Holy man reaches a stunning crescendo before he

moves himself from the circle. From somewhere the rhythmic pounding of

drums booms out across the land and the natives begin to sway to the

stirring rhythm.

The guy is becoming caught up in the fervor of the moment himself. This

is it. He now realizes beyond all doubt that his wait has not been in

vain. He is about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and

movement ever conceived by mankind.

The chief strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, starts to sing,

 "You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer right arm in and you shake it all about..."

[Gemonimo]

HOW FAR?

>

> Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench under a moonlit

> sky,

> talking, and one  blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is

> farther

> away... Florida or the moon?"

>

> The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida

> ?????"

>

>

>

> CAR TROUBLE

>

>  A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it

> died.

>

> After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

>

> She says, "What's the story?"

>

> He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

>

> She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

>

>

>

> SPEEDING TICKET

>

> A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if

> he

> could see her license.

>

> She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just

> yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show

> it

> to you!"

>

>

>

> AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

>

> A gorgeous20young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her

> body hurt wherever she touched it.

>

>    "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

>

> The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed,

> then

> she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and

> screamed;

>

> likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made

> her scream.

>

>    The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

>

>    "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

>

>    "I thought so," the doctor said.. "Your finger is broken."

>

>

>

> KNITTING

>

> A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.

> Glancing

> at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was

> knitting!

>

>    Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren,

>    the

> trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL

> OVER!"

>

>    "NO!" the blonde yelled back, a bright friendly grin on her face,

>    "IT'S

> A SCARF!"

>

>

>

> BLONDE ON THE SUN

>

>    A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The

>    Russian

> said, "We were the first in space!"

>

>    The American said, "We were the=2

> 0first on the moon!"

>

>    The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

>

>    The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their

> heads.  "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the

> Russian.

>

>    To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going

>    at

> night!"

>

>

>

> IN A VACUUM

>

>      A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She

> rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If

> you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

>

>    She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

>

>

>

> FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

>

>  A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,

>  and

> asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one

> was

> named Rolex and one was named Timex.  Her friend said, "Whoever heard of

> someone naming dogs like that?"

>

> "HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond.  "They're watch dogs!"

>

>

>

>

[Bugsy]

[quote user="Gemonimo"]

 AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

 

 A gorgeous20young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her

 body hurt wherever she touched it.

 

    "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

 

 The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed,

 then

 she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and

 screamed;

 

 likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made

 her scream.

 

    The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

 

    "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

 

    "I thought so," the doctor said.. "Your finger is broken."

[/quote]

Brilliant.................[:D][:D][:D]

[Gemonimo]

Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy

> > missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!

> >

> > -----------------------------------

> >

> > A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy odered a whiskey.

> > The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

> >

> > He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let

> > liquor touch my lips!'

> >

> > Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didnt know we had a

> > choice!'

> > -----------------------------------

> >

> > Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people

> > are flying with you?'

> >

> > Paddy replies 'I dont know! Its your f***ing plane!!'

> > -----------------------------------

> >

> > Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy 'Im

> > gonna have the day off, Im gonna prtend Im mad!'

> >

> > He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB!

> > I'M A LIGHTBULB!' Murphy watches in amazement!

> >

> > The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site.

> >

> > Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

> >

> > 'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.

> >

> > 'I cant work in the friggin dark! ' says Murphy.

> > ---------------------------------------

> >

> > Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours

> > of amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'

> > -----------------------------------------

> >

> > Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses &

> > lies on the bed spreadeagled & says 'You know what I want dont you?'

> >

> > 'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!'

> > ------------------------------------------

> >

> > Q. Whats a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in common?

> >

> > A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a

> > dodgy one!

> > -------------------------------------------

> >

> > Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not

> > servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was

> > a death trap!

> > --------------------------------------------

> >

> > Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whos head was found on Arbroath

> > beach was asked to identify her. A detective held up the head to which

> > point Paddy said 'I dont think thats her, she wasnt that tall!'

> > -------------------------------------------------

> >

> > Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbours dog is barking like

> > mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' & storms off.

> >

> > He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'

> >

> > Paddy replies 'Ive put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like

> > it!'

> > ------------------------------------------------

> >

> > An Irishman is shagging a Jewish girl & says 'You're not very tight for

> > a Jew!'

> >

> > She says 'Well you're not very thick for a Paddy!'

> >

> > -----------------------------------------------

> >

> > Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.

> > 'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didnt even know they had mobile phones!'

> > ----------------------------------------------

> >

> > Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say

> > 'Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!'

> >

> > Paddy says 'Whats his name?'

> >

> > Mick replies 'Miles from London!'

> > ----------------------------------------------

> >

> > An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past &

> > stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick Irish

> > like you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there & kick the

> > f**k out of you if I could swim!'

> >

>

[AnOther]

why did the dumb blonds stare at the orange juice carton?

because it said concentrate .

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 How many men does it take to open a beer ?

None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Why do women get married in white ?

So they'll match the household appliances.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What's the best way to remember your wife's birthday ?

Forget it once.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call a gay dinosaur?

A: Megasaurass

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What's the difference between a g-spot and a golf ball?

A: A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And the finale - for today

Two nuns go on a shopping trip to France to load up with duty free.

On the way back they are just going to drive through 'Nothing to declare' but a customs officer waves them in to the side.

The first nun says to the mother superior who is driving, "Don't worry mother, just show them your cross.

"So she winds the window down, leans out and shouts, "**** off!"

[Alan Zoff]

Not Tennyson or Keats, perhaps, but this choice bit of poetry sent to me this morning brightened my day....

A WOMAN'S POEM: 
Before I lay me down to sleep, 
I pray for a man who's not a creep, 
One who's handsome, smart and strong. 
One who loves to listen long, 

One who thinks before he speaks, 
One who'll call, not wait for weeks. 
I pray he's rich and self-employed, 
And when I spend, won't be annoyed 

Pull out my chair and hold my hand. 
Massage my feet and help me stand. 
Oh send a king to make me queen. 
A man who loves to cook and clean. 

I pray this man will love no other. 
And relish our visits to my mother. 

 

A MAN'S POEM: 
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac 
with big tits who owns a bar on a golf course, 
and loves to send me out fishing and drinking.
I know this only rhymes a bit but frankly I don't give a shit.