Re: A silly joke for Friday afternoon

[cooperlola]

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at   the  gates and said, 'You have been a good cat all these years.  Anything you want is yours for the asking.'

The

cat thought for a minute and then said, 'All  my life I lived on a farm

and slept on hard wooden floors. I  would like a real fluffy pillow to

sleep on.'

God said, 'Say no more.' Instantly the cat had a  huge fluffy pillow.

A

few  days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all  went

to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with  the same offer

that He made to the cat

The mice said, 'Well, we have had to

run all of  our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If

we  could just have some little roller skates, we would not have  to

run again.'

God answered, 'It is done.' All the mice  had beautiful little roller skates.

About

a week later, God decided to check on the  cat. He found her sound

asleep on her fluffy pillow. God  gently awakened the cat and asked,

'Is everything okay? How  have you been doing? Are you happy?'

The

cat replied, 'Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have  never been so happy in my

life. The pillow is so fluffy, and  those little Meals on Wheels you

have been sending over are  delicious!' 

[Gardengirl]

Lovely one, Cooperlola. And I didn't even need my specs, it was such a lovely large print! [:D]

Hope things are progressing well.

 

[Alan Zoff]

OK it's Tuesday but this made me smile:

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years.

Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.

He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

''Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night.. Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."

"Great", says Tom, "After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you, be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem," says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"

"Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."

[Renaud]

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a cheque for £50.

At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch. The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When they went downstairs, the blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice. As she was pouring him a cup of steaming coffee, he noticed a £5 note sticking out

from under the cup.

'All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, 'but what's the five quid for?'

'Well,' said the dumb blonde, 'Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you'. 'I asked him what I should give you'.

He said, 'F**k him. Give him a fiver.' She smiled shyly and said, 'The breakfast was my idea..'

[Alan Zoff]

Some hilly-billies are sat around the camp fire, telling tales about bears.

 

When it’s Wilbur’s turn, he says: “The first burrr I shot, he was huge. I mean eee-normous. I was too afeared to move at first. Then I remembered my Daddy told me that if you wanna pla-cate a burrr, you gotta im-itate it.”

 

“So when I see that burr lean to the left, I leans to the left. And when he leans to the right, I leans to the right”.

 

“Well darn me if that ole burrr don’t catch on real quick. Next he scratches his balls and waits to see what I does. So I scratches my balls.”

 

“Then he squats down and does a massive shi t on the ground.”

 

“Well sorry, burrr, I says, but yer done fer now.  I cra pped my load the moment I seed ya.”

 

Bang!

[Bugsy]

A son asked his mother the following question:

'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies:

'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father..

'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'

The father looks at his son in surprise and says:

'Son, all household appliances come in white.'