Friday morning larf

[Théière]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar... sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," the farmer says, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.

"What a coincidence" says the man. As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man ... "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I used a different c 0 c k," he replied.

The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence"

[Bugsy]

THE 5 BEST SMART ARSED ANSWERS OF 2009

SMART ARSED ANSWER 5

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated

in the front row.

"What are my choices?" the man asked.

"Yes or no," she replied.

SMART ARSED ANSWER 4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of

Sainsbury's store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing assistant, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."

SMART ARSED ANSWER 3

The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for

speeding, rolled down his window.

"I've been waiting for you all day," the bobby said.

The kid replied, "Well I got here as fast as I could."

When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on

his way without a ticket.

SMART ARSED ANSWER 2

A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came

up that read " Low Bridge Ahead."

Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got

stuck under it..

Cars were backed up for miles. Finally, a police car arrived. The

policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and

said to the driver, "Got stuck, eh?"

The lorry driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran

out of diesel!"

SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2009

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of

tomorrow's final exam.

"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being

here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury,

illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other

excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-arsed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and

asked ,"What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from

complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class was reduced to

laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled

at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I

would expect you to write the exam with your other hand." [:D]

.

[Théière]

Brilliant! [:D]

Reminds me (true story) of a guy I was working with in an office in Whitehall near Trafalgar square.

An American tourist trying to take a photograph and wanting her friends in frame with the monument.

" I can't get all of Nelson's Column in" she said, Try opening your legs wider my mate said [:D]

[Pierre ZFP]

Trois personnes sont convoquées pour un entretien d'embauche en

Angleterre. Arrivés au test d'anglais, le recruteur leur dit : "

Faites une phrase avec les 3 mots suivants : green, pink , yellow.."

 C'est d'abord le Belge qui se lance :

"I wake up in the morning, I eat a yellow banana, a green pepper

and I watch the ...Pink Panther on TV"

C'est ensuite au tour de l'Allemand:

"I wake up in the morning, I see the yellow sun, the green grass

and I think to myself:I hope it will be a pink day".

Enfin, le Français (le TOP!) s'avance et dit :

"I wake up in ze mornink, I hear ze phone :green green, green green ! I

pink up ze phone and I say "Yellow !?"

[Chancer]

[:D][:D]

[Bugsy]

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh.....

'Of course I won't laugh, said the nurse. I'm a professional.

In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'

'Okay then,' said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers,

revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen.

Length and width, it couldn't have been any bigger than a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.

Ten minutes later, she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.

'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse

and a lady, I promise it won't happen again.

Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?'

'It's swollen,' Fred replied.

She ran out of the room.

.

.

[Bugsy]

On Thursday.

A guy is sitting in the bar at departures in a busy airport when a

beautiful young woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.

He decides that she is probably an off duty flight attendant because

she is wearing a uniform.

He decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline for which she flies,and thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto: ' We love to

fly and it shows.' The woman looks at him blankly.He sits back and

thinks up another line. He leans forward and delivers the Air France

motto: ' Winning the hearts of the World.'

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred ,he tries again this time saying the motto of Malaysian Airlines : 'Going beyond expectations.'

Finally the woman looks at him sternly and says: ' What the f!$% do you want?'

'Aah!' he says,sitting back with a broad smile on his face. 'Ryanair.'

.

[Théière]

 Two Middle East mothers are sitting in  a cafe chatting over a plate of   
 tabouli and a pint of goat's  milk..                                      
                                                                           
 The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping     
 through photos. They start reminiscing.                                   
                                                                           
 'This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.'    
                                                                           
 'Yes, I remember  him as a baby' says the other mother cheerfully.        
                                                                           
 He's a martyr now though— the mother confides.                            
                                                                           
 'Oh, so sad dear' says the other.                                         
                                                                           
 'And this is my  second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.'              
                                                                           
 'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair when
 he was born.'                                                             
                                                                           
 'He's a martyr too' says  the mother quietly.                             
                                                                           
 'Oh, gracious me . . . ' says the  other.                                 
                                                                           
 'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been
 18' she whispers.                                                         
                                                                           
 Yes' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started  
 school'                                                                   
                                                                           
 'He's a martyr also,'  says the mother, with tears in her eyes.           
                                                                           
 After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at
 the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . .            
                                                                           
 'They blow up so fast, don't they?’                                       

[Bugsy]

Downing Street, January 2009:

Gordon Brown is in deep despair, sitting with his head in his hands.

Ed Balls asks what's the matter.

GB: "According to the newspapers, every single thing I do is wrong. Not

one single good news story in six months. What can I do?

EB: "Well, the papers love human interest stories. Particularly stories

that are about animals. I'll see what I can rustle up."

Ed Ball comes back next day.

EB: "Here's a great one. It'll cost quite a lot, but we've found a

bloke with an absolutely amazing dog that can actually walk on water.

He's willing to sell it to you at a price."

Gordon agrees

the price, musing ruefully that if only he hadn't sold all those gold

reserves, he could have effectively got it for less than a third the

price he had to pay. But still, it's only tax-payers' money.

Next day they arrange a press conference by the lake in St. James' Park. All the main scribes are there.

Gordon takes the dog to the edge of the lake, picks up a stick and throws it about 50 feet across the lake into the water.

The dog daintily tiptoes out from the edge on top of the water and

walks on top of the water all the way across to the stick and retrieves

it without even getting his ankles wet.

"Well at least that's got to get us a good write-up", says Ed to Gordon.

Next day, they can hardly wait to open the newspapers.

And the Daily Mail has the screaming headline:

"GORDON BROWN'S DOG CAN'T SWIM"

[Pierre ZFP]

BBQ RULES

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity .  

Routine...

(1) The woman buys the food.

(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three metre exclusion zone where manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:

(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine...

(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.

(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat

Important again:

(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine...

(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ' and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!