Great Dick Smith Posts

[TWINKLE]

I was doing a search of painted beams and I came across thos post of Dicks which made me chuckle,

 

"I take your point, Gay, but if I felt I had to decorate my home in the 'local' style I would rather hurl myself off a cliff into a shark-infested sea whilst listening to Cliff Richard singing religious ballads and poking myself in the eye with a sharp stick..."

 

Do you have a favourite post of Dicks that makes you laugh, cringe or scream?  Feel free to post it here.  Only original ones - all made up ones will be reported to Mr Smith![:)]

[Tresco]

Recently I expressed a longing for Crumpets, and foolishly mentioned that I had eaten several, just before returning to France (without any crumpets, due to grabbing, greedy relatives).

This is what Dick said;

[quote user="Dick Smith"]In one go? I once managed three, I don't think I could do 16, no matter how much creamy Normandy butter I slewed over their golden, freckled surfaces to seep gently into the soft doughy mass beneath.
[/quote]

How evil was that? [:D][:-))]

 

[Chris Head]

Dunno about quotes but we had some great scraps! Twinks used to pop up and tut tut and Gay would chuck out the odd slap and the sensitive folk would get all nervous!

We gained mutal respect in the end tho.

[powerdesal]

Thats what you think Chris !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!![:P]

[Russethouse]

Have I missed something ? Why are we using the past tense?

[Catalpa]

Didn't he pack up his apostrophes about a month ago - when there were Possum things going on... and something else... though I can't recollect what. The M-word thing I suppose. TU went at about the same time. NOT that I'm suggesting anything there...[:-))] Perhaps CF is just his forum secondaire nowadays... because I think I remember seeing him post here on wood-related matters. [:D]

(I'm glad he cleared away surplus commas too... if one had been left lying about, it might've fallen into the thread title.)

[cooperlola]

I believe Dick was around a couple of days ago.

[Bugsy]

[quote user="Chris Head"]

We gained mutal respect in the end tho.

[/quote]

Of course you did Mr Head..............................[:)]

 

I thought Dick had died when I started reading this thread, which of course he has'nt.

As Coops has said he was on here recently, he's probably just busy finishing his guitar.

[Tresco]

[quote user="Russethouse"]Have I missed something ? Why are we using the past tense?[/quote]

I can see now it looks a bit odd. Just Twinks being Twinks and me joining in. Nothing sinister, or odd. [:)]

Apart from Chis of course. [:-))]

[Ron Avery]

Not a Dick Smith, but this WAS a classic post.[:D]

Dear Channel 4

I would like to apply for a total makeover on my Normandy

property.

I would like a local estate agent to come around and be filmed with a clipboard

muttering under his breath as he gets stuck up to his ankles in mud and cow pat

before declaring that the house is worthless and should be condemned

I would then like to be filmed at the front door arriving

back after a weekend away, to be greeted by a B list celebrity who would

surprise me (it would be a surprise trust me.. the front door and the wall it

was fitted to fell over 2yrs ago)

I could easily show mock surprise and delight as I was shown the new front

wall, back wall, gable end and roof. I wouldn't even care if it actually took

you a couple of weeks and was edited to look like 2 days work.

If I also ended up with windows, any form of electrics, a water supply (I don't

even expect a fosse) and a new staircase leading to a new first floor, it would

be a bonus. I'll buy my own furniture .. or is that included?

I could provide all the "Before" photos... I've been taking them for

4 years. I haven't got any "After" photos yet as I usually just go to

the house and stare at it before bursting out in hysterical laughter

For visuals, there is a hornets nest the size of a double wardrobe in what was

the kitchen and the 2 remaining beams in the property have so much woodworm it

looks like Stevie Wonder has had a dartboard fitted to them

This would all make great television. Imagine the scene.. 24 workmen all

crowding round the kettle in my two berth caravan P**sing themselves laughing

at what I term my "Dream"

I once saw a program about some prat who got the telly people to completely

fund his redevelopment costs by allowing it all to be filmed over a complete

series. I reckon my "Series" could last longer than Coronation Street

!!  

Maybe I can have the fosse as well after all ??

If you want pictures let me know. they are all taken some distance away as the

local maire has said i'm not allowed within 10mtrs of the building for safety

reasons.. will that be a problem?

I look forward to hearing from you shortly

Dear Sansonnière,

Thank you for your extremely interesting letter. We would be delighted to film

your project with all expenses paid, but in order to make it a little more

interesting for our reality-challenged viewers (and to stop them changing

channels before the adverts), we would like you to agree to the following teeny

little ‘dramatic’ enhancements:

1. The project is part funded by a Sikh postman and my friend Sandy who runs a

bijou little ethnic restaurantlette in the King’s Road.

2. You find a builder who wears string vests and chain-smokes Gauloises. He

tells you the entire house needs to be raised six feet off the ground to solve

the damp problem and then runs off with all your money and an attractive

mortgage advisor who just happens to be the estate agent’s sister.

3. Just when the house is finished, you discover that the perfidious French

have sneaked in a requirement for ‘planning permission’ without telling you.

The only way around this is to get elected mayor and grant the permission

yourself.

4. The housewarming party is almost a non-starter as Sandy’s nibbles (don’t

ask!) refuse to cook properly in your underpowered French oven. The French

neighbours all leave in a huff when you serve Australian chardonnay and the

evening ends in a blazing row (I hope your acting’s up to this !!!) when your

turbanned ‘facteur’ demands his money back.

5. All is not lost, however, as you have got back at the builder by pulling his

ex-girlfriend and she agrees to lend you the money based only on your

blindingly original idea of converting the house into a 5-star gite complex and

letting the rooms out to film crews making programmes about Brits renovating

houses in France.

6. Just when everything seems alright at last, your ex-live-in-lover arrives

unexpectedly from England … but we’ll save that for series two !!

I hope you don’t think this plot line is too ‘outré’. We have done something

similar in the past and Channel Four just adored it!

I’m rather busy with another makeover show at the moment (you know, the one

with that dishy guy with the sleeves !!!!), so we won’t be able to start

filming for a year or so – unless that is you happen to have a liitle TV

experience and would like to produce it yourself ???

Don't be a stranger !

Julian

Bona Productions