URGENT - Doncaster Earthquake appeal

[cabman]

 At 00:54 on Wednesday 27rd February an earthquake measuring 4.8 on the
 Richter scale hit Doncaster, South Yorkshire, causing untold
 disruption and distress.

 Many were woken well before their giro  arrived.  Several priceless
 collections of mementoes from the Balearics and Spanish Costas were
 damaged.  Three areas of historic and scientifically significant
 litter were disturbed.
 Thousands are confused and bewildered, trying to come to terms with the fact that
 something interesting has happened in Doncaster.

 One resident, Donna-Marie Dutton, a 17-year-old  mother-of-three said:
 "It was such a shock, little Chantal-Leanne came  running into my
 bedroom crying.
 My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm  slept through it.  My
 punter got dressed and left. I was still shaking  when I was watching
 Trisha the next morning."

 According to police, however, looting, mugging and joyriding did carry
 on as normal.

 The British Red Cross have so far managed to ship 4000 crates of Sunny
 Delight to the area to help the stricken  masses.  Rescue workers are
 still sifting through the rubble  and have found large quantities of
 personal belongings, including benefit books, heroin, and jewellery
 from Elizabeth Duke at Argos.

 HOW YOU CAN HELP?

 £2 buys chips, scraps and blue pop for a family of  four.

 £10 can take a family to Sprotborough for the day,  where children can
 play on an unspoilt canal bank among the national collection of
 stinging nettles.

 22p buys a biro for filling out spurious  compensation claims.

 PLEASE ACT NOW - Collection points are available at  your local
 branches of Netto, Iceland and Clinton Cards.

[Dick Smith]

  [:)]

[LEO]

Well written "cabman"

very amusing.

[Ron Avery]

[quote user="LEO"]

Well written "cabman"

very amusing.

[/quote] Or well dowmloaded and  edited.  The last time I read it it was called the Essex Earthquake Appeal. Very similar but in this version the eye witness is much funnier

"One resident - Sharon-Tracy Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came  running into my bedroom, crying! My youngest two, Chardonnay-Mercedes and Chardonnay-Mercedes slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning." A reporter enquired if the other 2 children were also called Chardonnay-Mercedes, and on learning the news that this was the case, the mother explained that she used the children's surnames when calling them to avoid confusion.[:)][:D]

[Nell]

Is this a very sad attempt at humour?

Is it a dig at Northeners or just less fortunate people than yourself  - you pompous ***

[Dick Smith]

 [blink]

[LEO]

Hi Nell,

Are you addressing this question to Billy Connolly, Peter Kay, Catherine Tate, Paul Whitehouse, Harry Enfield, Harry Hill, and a host of others who have made the nation laugh by their everyday perceptions of life.

Kind regards , from a fellow Northerner.

 

 

[Dick Smith]

Not as it seems, all is.

[steve]

Boy oh Boy nell, do you need to get out more!

Lighten up for gods sake

Steve

[Ron Avery]

[quote user="Nell"]

Is this a very sad attempt at humour?

Is it a dig at Northeners (sic) or just less fortunate people than yourself  - you pompous ***

[/quote] Essex up North????????

[steve]

I just sent it to my mum who lives in Donny - she thought it was funny.

Steve

[marc62]

Well you made me laugh Cabman

 

Hey, Ron - I bet you also have a black cat which is blacker?

 

Let's smile out there

 

Marc

[Fleur]

The Isle of Man had one circulating a couple of years ago. It brought many smiles.

 

A major earthquake measuring 7.8 on the Richter scale hit Pulrose in the
early hours of Tuesday 23rd September 2003. The epicentre was Elm Avenue.
Casualties were seen wandering aimlessly saying "bang out of order",
"mental", and "that did my head in".

The earthquake decimated the area, causing an estimated £17 worth of damage.

Several priceless collections of mementos from Ibiza and Corfu were damaged
beyond repair. Three preserved areas of historic burnt out cars were
disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived. Hundreds
of residents were confused and bewildered, they are still trying to come to
terms with the fact that the damage was caused by something other than
themselves.

One resident, Kelly Sharon Quayle, pregnant 14 year old mother of three,
said "It was a shock, little Chardonnay-Leigh came running through
the cardboard door into my  bedroom crying. My youngest two,
Tyler-Brooklyn and Kai-Keanu slept through it all. My hands were shaking
that much, I could hardly shoot up when I was watching Tricia this
morning".

Another resident, 'Mally' said that the earthquake would not stop him from
going to work, after all the burglaries and graffiti would not do
themselves.

The British Red Cross have so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of "Sunny
Delight" to the area to help with the crisis. Rescue workers are sifting
through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings,
which include benefit books, jewellery from Samuels, bone china from
Moochers and a number of Index catalogues.

How can you help?
This appeal hopes to raise enough money for food and clothing parcels for
those unfortunate enough to be caught up in the catastrophe. Clothing is
most sought after. Most needed are Kappa tracksuits (his and hers), white
socks to tuck the tracksuit bottoms into, Burberry caps, woolly "Benny" hats
and Reebok trainers. Clothing from "What shop" is most welcome. Food parcels
are also needed. They should include McCains Micro chips, HP beans, Monster
Munch crisps, Nutella chocolate spread and Iceland Pizzas. Alcohol is also
in short supply, mainly Lambrini, White Lightning cider and Carlsberg
Special Brew. Cash donations are also needed, 22p buys a Bic Biro for
signing-on, £1-50 buys chips and cheese, and £26 buys 200 Bensons from
"Tony" who has just got back from Kavos.

[Alan Zoff]

Perhaps it was penned by someone from Kent

[Bob T]

Just have to ask, if "up north" is so good what are the northerners doing living in France?

[Weedon]

Easy lads, imagine if you were living in Doncaster reading this, only to find out it was a joke. It would make me choke on my woodbine.

[Kitty]

Woodbine?  Surely you bought 10 No.6 like the rest of us?

 

[LEO]

Or, if you were listening to the ad men , "today's cigarette is a Bristol"

[Ron Avery]

Or you are never alone up the Strand[:P]

Yes I know it was with a Strand but you would certainly not be alone in the Strand either!! ( but they were crap fags)

[trees]

The same thing was trotted out for the Birmingham tornado, the Hull and Donny floods and Hull again for the earthquake. (Poor erld 'Ull, it's ner tha' bad"[;-)]

I have to admit to laughing the first time.

The sad thing, of course, is that we all recognise it as satirising the truth. 21st century Britain[blink]

[Clarkkent]

[quote user="trees"]
The sad thing, of course, is that we all recognise it as satirising the truth. 21st century Britain[blink]
[/quote]

Not the Britain that I know, but then I don't read the Daily Mail.

[Gluestick]

Or live in the right place (for comprehension) or right place, for lack of it!

Believe me, it's  highly apposite for many parts of Essex and Kent, East, North and South London!

Hampshire...................................................etc

 

[Clarkkent]

" .. satirising the truth. 21st century Britain."

It is not the truth about Britain, small parts of Britain perhaps, but by no means the whole country.

I wish I knew why some people think it smart to make snide remarks about Britain. During my times in France, I have frequently been stuck at dinner parties with people whose only conversation is about how bad things are "at home" (sic). I am always struck by how well integrated much of the ex-patriate community is in SW France. Their satellite tv and English newspapers feed them distortions of modern life and since they have poor language skills they haven't a clue about urban life in France.

[Gluestick]

I'm most interested, CK, for you to share your perspective on the UK, then.

Bearing in mind it ought to be reflective of the whole, rather than specific parts, which would not then, of course, be representative.

 

[raindog]

[quote user="Clarkkent"]

I wish I knew why some people think it smart to make snide remarks about Britain. During my times in France, I have frequently been stuck at dinner parties with people whose only conversation is about how bad things are "at home" (sic). I am always struck by how well integrated much of the ex-patriate community is in SW France. Their satellite tv and English newspapers feed them distortions of modern life and since they have poor language skills they haven't a clue about urban life in France.

[/quote]

very well put [:)]