Silly joke- Series2

[Weedon]

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

 

 

 

And another

 

 

A man owned a small farm in Minnesota. The Minnesota State Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his employees and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for three years.  I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.  The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.  

Then there's the village idiot who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.  He makes about $10 per week, and pays his own room and board, but I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night.  He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to - the village idiot," says the agent. 

"That would be me" replied the farmer.

 

[Gluestick]

Two TV aerials met on a roof and fell in love.

I went to their wedding; the ceremony was crap but the reception was brilliant!

_________________________

I slept like a log last night: woke up in the fireplace!

_________________________

I went to the doctor. He said I haven't seen you in a long while!

I said I've been ill!

_________________________

I went into this surgery.

The main in  the white coat said, "What's the problem?"

I said, "I keep thinking I'm a moth!"

He said, "What you need is a pyschiatrist: I'm a dentist. Why on earth did you come in here?"

I said, "The light was on!"

 

[LEO]

Did you hear about the homosexual butcher ?

-

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He put his mutton up a few coppers!

[PeterG]

Too many of us spend too long in aircraft and airports but most of us can be thankful we weren't on board when these few allegedly true stories were reported:

* Heard from a flight attendant on landing: "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have. "

*Heard during the pre-flight safety briefing: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this aircraft"

* A US airline had a policy of requiring the co-pilot to stand at the door and farewell the passengers as they left the plane. On one occasion neither pilot was happy to do so as they had hammered their craft into the runway unusually hard but the 2IC was still required to stand and smile and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline."
In light of the bad landing he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would be sure to come up with some smart comment.
Finally everyone had left the plane except one little old lady walking with a cane.
When she approached the pilot she had just one question for him: "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

* Heard over the captain's loudspeaker as the plane landed and was coming to a stop: "Whoa, big fella, WHOA!"

* The final announcement after a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that."

* Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

* On yet another plane after another extremely hard landing: "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our aircraft to the gate!"

* Explaining another very hard landing in the South of the USA, a flight attendant admitted: "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

* Yet again: "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

* In another farewell address the flight attendant said: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today and the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised metal tube, we hope you'll think of us."

* Cruising comfortably a few minutes into a flight, the captain made an announcement over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed for a few minutes until the captain came back on the intercom to explain: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap."
"You should see the front of my pants!"
To which one of the Economy passengers called out: "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

[Gluestick]

Well, if you are going to be rude, Leo....................

Last Christmas, a local authority decided to put on a panto where all the actors were either paranoid schizophrenics or homesexuals.

They had to close it after only one day when the stage hands kept shouting out "Is he behind you?"

 

[Benjamin]

Following a night out with a few

friends, a man brought them back

to show

off his new

flat.

After the

grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by

the large gong

taking pride

of place in the

lounge.

'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the

guests

asked

'Why, that's my Speaking Clock' the man

replied.

'How

does it

work?'

'I'll show you', the man said, giving the gong an

ear-shattering blow

with

an unpadded

hammer.

Suddenly, a voice from

the other side of the wall screamed, 'For,

*****sake,

you *****, it's twenty

to two in the ****ing

morning!!'

[Benjamin]

A banker confused about maths, asks his

secretary:

"If I give you £3 million less 17%, how much would you take

off?

 

 

She replies: "Everything sir, the dress,

the shoes, bra and g-string . . . ! ! !"

[Gluestick]

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? 
  
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?   
  
3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? 
  
4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? 
  
5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? 
  
6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? 
  
7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? 
  
8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist? 
  
9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? 
  
10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? 
  
11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? 
  
12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence? 
  
13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? 
  
14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licences of bald men? 
  
15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? 
  
16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail? 
   
17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 
  
18. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning. 
  
19. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went bonkers 
  
20. Ever wonder about those people who spend £2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE 
  
21. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? 
  
22. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that one enjoys it?  

[Alane]

I want to die in my sleep like my old grandfather

 

 

 

not screaming in terror like his passengers.

[AnOther]

Golf Balls

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked;

         "Does it hurt as  much as tennis elbow?"

[just john]

LITTLE JOHNNY ON GETTING OLDER
Little JOHNNY was sitting in the park scoffing one chocolate bar after another. After the 6th one an old man next to him said,
"eating all that chocolate isn't good for you.
It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little JOHNNY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "But did your grandfather eat 6 chocolate bars at a time?"
Little JOHNNY answered, "No, but he minded his own damn business. . ."

[powerdesal]

Recently, a large hospital hired several cannibals to

increase their

> > diversity.

> >

> > "You are all part of our team now," said the Human

Resources rep during

> > the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you

can go to

> > the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any

employees."

> >

> > So the cannibals promised they would not, and started work.

> >

> > Four weeks later their boss called them all into the office and

remarked,

> > "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work.

We have

> > noticed a marked increase in the whole hospital's performance.

However,

> > one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what

happened

> > to her?"

> >

> > The cannibals all shook their heads and said "No."

> >

> > After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the

others,

> > "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose

hesitantly. "You

> > fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been

eating managers

> > and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat

someone

> > who actually does something..."

[powerdesal]

Discovered in my old e mails box:-

Dear

All

My sincere thanks

to all those who have sent me emails this past year........

I must send my

thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poo in the glue on envelopes

because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs

sealing. 

I also now have to

scrub the top of every can I open, for the same reason!

I no longer have

any bank savings because I gave it to a sick kiddie who is about to die in the

hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have

any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000.000 that Bill

Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special

e-mail program .........

Or from the senior

bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split $7 million for pretending to be a

long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.

I no longer worry

about my soul because I have 363,214 freaking angels looking out for me, and

St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer use

cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a rancid water buffalo on a

hot day!

Thanks to all of

you,

I have learned

that my prayers only get answered if I forward e-mail to seven of my friends

and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your

concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains and

explodes with mentos.

I no longer can

buy petrol without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer

won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer go to

shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer

the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a

phone bill with calls to Jamaica

, Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .

I can't use

anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under

the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.

And thanks to your

great advice,

I can't even pick

up the 20 bucks I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed

there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg!

If you don't send

this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 73 minutes, a large dove

with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas

from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy

hump.   I know this will occur because it actually happened to a

friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's

beautician.

By the

way....after a lengthy study, a South Australian scientist has discovered that

people with low IQ and poor sexual prowess always read their e-mails with their

hand on the mouse.

............................................Don't

bother taking it off now, it's too late!

Yours sincerely

Disillusioned

email reader....

[Christine Animal]

 People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan

appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,

trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

 Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman

who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact

that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

 So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

 The man; replied, "Yep, sure do."

 "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

 "Nope, sure ain't." said the man

 "Don't you realize I can kill with a word?" asked Satan.

 "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

 "Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY

 for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

 "Yep," was the calm reply.

 "And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

 "Nope," said the old man.

 More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you

afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 44 years."

 

[Gluestick]

I ever I needed a raison d'être for considering some serious drinking.......................

 

[IMG]http://i74.photobucket.com/albums/i278/Michaeleff/TotalAbstainers.jpg[/IMG]

[Dick Smith]

After you with that bottle...

[Gluestick]

Reminds of that old but wonderful joke about the temperance meeting in Scotland........................

Having waxed lyrical over the dangers of the Demon Drink and John Barleycorn etc, the preacher then said:

"My friends! I shall present to ye a wee demonstration of the evils of the Demon Drink!"

He proceeded to drop two live worms into two tall tumblers.

"Ye will observe ma friends, that the wee wurm on the left is wriggling and happy: that tumbler contains poure water, Adam's Ale, God's gift to all 'a mankind!"

"Ye will note that the wee worm on the right has ceased moving because he is dead! And that tumbler, " he thundered," Contains pure whusky, the Devil's poison!"

"Now, my friends, what does this tell ye?"

A man, sotto voce rumbled from the rear,

"If ye drink whusky, ye dinna suffer wi worms!"

 

[AnOther]

Who was Jesus ?

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian :
1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian :
1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1 He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 conclusive arguments that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do.

[Gluestick]

True conversations with the Control Tower.

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

---

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

---

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

---

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

---

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked: "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

---

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

---

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked". Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

---

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

---

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

---

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:

"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

---

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I didn't land."

---

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.

Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

 

 

[powerdesal]

On a similar aircraft theme, and this is strickly true.

A flight of two USAF aircraft from Alconbury on a low level exercise in Wales came under RAF Brawdy control and reported they had "forgotten" their call signs.

They were immediatly instructed to adopt call signs "stupid 1 and stupid 2", which of course they did. Brawdy then phoned Alconbury and the USAF pilots had to to use their Stupid call signs for the rest of the sortie.

It was magic.

[nectarine]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. she puts her lover in the cupboard, not
realising that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a football.'
Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '£250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the cupboard together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'
man - 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have football boots.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'

Boy - '£750'
man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy -'£1,000.'

The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church
and make you confess.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that sh*t again. You're in my cupboard now'

[AnOther]

Computer Problem

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over. Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was leaving I called after him, 'So, what was wrong' ?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error'.

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error, what's that iIn case I need to fix it again.'?

Richard grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down, ' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

...I used to like the little shit.....

[TWINKLE]

ULTIMATE FEMALE JOKE


It has long been contended that there are male jokes and there are female jokes, and there are unisex jokes. Here is a joke I consider a true female joke.  I offer it to you in the hopes that women will love it and men will pass it along to a woman who will love it.

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work drink with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered.   He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.
The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her.   (As men will.) [:)]

Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for £20.00..........on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied,  "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'"

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a £20 note from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said: 

 
 
 
 

 
 
  

 

 

'Paint my house.' 

[:P]

             

 

-- 

[mint]

Loved the joke, Twinks.  OH laughed out loud but, him being a Welshman, perhaps you share the same sense of humour?

[Cat]

[quote user="sweet 17"] him being a Welshman, perhaps you share the same sense of humour?[/quote]

Aren't they allowed one each [;-)]