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Was this guy right or wrong...


woolybanana

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to tear his kids off a strip. He has my sympathy, I must say. And the snide comments about private education and stiff upper lip just show what a nasty little reporter wrote the article. However, the phrase "copulation driven self-indulgence" is definitely one to remember:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2234231/The-despairing-father-For-years-Naval-Commander-Nick-Crews-bottled-frustration--snapped-sent-excoriating-email-tearing-family-apart.html

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This father truly has my sympathy and I have said even worse to one of my sons, but I won't repeat what I said on here, or write it down or email it or anything.

I would say that as the years pass the hope that kids will be settled and achieving some goal or other, or at least have found happiness, shouldn't be too much to dream of.

Well for me, it has become dream on, and I dread to think what I might be writing down or actually publishing in eight years time if things have not improved.

 

Apparently the bank of Mum and Dad is not just financial, but the parents are now the buffer/cible for every last problem. How the world has changed, when I was young we kept very serious illness, unemployment, even bumpy relationship times from our parents and got on with things ourselves, sorted them out, got over them and would not worry parents about anything.

 

So yes, he was right to say something.

And the woman in France with kids, well she is well and truly xx'ed. Unless her husband gives his permission she cannot leave France with the children. (Although, she could, without them!). It would be very difficult, and would end up with very expensive avocats and a court case, which she may well lose. 

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Loved it, the letter I mean. I bet there are many parents around that wish they had the balls to write or say the same. I went to a private school (a free bursary) my daughter went to a private school for which I and her mother paid. Why, well the best you can do for your kids is to give them the best education and start in life you can and I believe I and Mrs 'Q' did right just as my father believed he was right. After that it's down to them. It is interesting that the parents are from a military background. One thing you learn in the military that what is done is done, you can't go back and put it right all you can do is get on with life and put the mistakes behind you. Remember them of course so you don't make the same mistake again but move on. I also understand the mother and father, they must love their grand kids to death and when you see your kids behaving in such a way that it causes grief for the grand kids who have no control over their life and are at the mercy of their inept parents I guess that's when you get to writing a letter such as this.
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The wife was said to agree with her husband about the content of the e-mail, but significantly (to me), she didn't write it. This is a father who appeared to encourage his children to be independent, maybe he should have been more a listener when they were growing up, then they might have actually consulted their parents about the life decisions they were about to make. Of course whether the children would have listened is another matter. Did you all take your parents' views into account when you were "in love"?

The main criticism is that their grandchildren are casualties of their children's bad decisions, but by putting these criticisms in print, he has risked alienating his own kids and possibly forfeiting seeing his grandkids.

However I do believe telling your children what you think can be a good thing, but not en masse, not in writing ( too cold) and certainly not in public. 

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[quote user="Frecossais"]
However I do believe telling your children what you think can be a good thing, but not en masse, not in writing ( too cold) and certainly not in public
[/quote]

I believe it was his children (or one in particular) that put it in the public domain. Emails are private and can't end up there unless somebody puts them there.

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Hasn't someone got to either, not care or take mental cover before posting when they know that others will disagree??

It isn't as if I haven't posted and had most of the other posters against me, I have......... and frankly one has to feel up to some of the tirades that can follow as they can be as bad as malicious and nasty.

If you have a point of view, post. No one is stopping you as long as it doesn't go against board rules, ie attacking another poster etc. No trolling please though, no posts that are made simply to upset.

 

I have several things that still get my goat and these are things I simply cannot get my head around, so questions unanswered to my satisfaction.

 I don't understand why other than in exceptional circumstances some people move to France and don't learn half decent french first. I don't understand why they keep asking some questions when all the answers are now on the internet. I don't understand why France is still getting all the rose coloured publicity on programs like Little England....... it's wonderful, the food and life style is great........ AS IF THAT IS France, it wouldn't be so glorious if living in a cité somewhere, or even took some interest in France where the big populations live and not simply use nulle-part -en-plein-campagne as a yardstick. AND why didn't they eat properly before they moved? We have always eaten wonderful food. So there you go. All points I have made over the years, and some feel vehemently about these points and the odd poster has believed I had no right to say anything negative what so ever about France as everything is just perfect...... or at least that is how I interpreted their rale'ing against me.

 

So light the blue touch paper and stand well back....... and I think I just have![Www]

 

 

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I think that the thing that is missing from the above replies is the grand children. I have always been forthright with my kids about what might be described as their private lives. I don't do it nearly so much now because I won't risk my access to my grand children. I haven't turned 'namby-pamby' in any other area of my life.

Hoddy
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I'd agree with you 100%, Idun, but that's far too namby-pamby [:D]

Jeez, over the years on this and other forums it's been de rigueur to develop the skin of a rhino if you wanted to deviate from the "norm" (sorry, Norm) that France is/was la terre promesse and that once you'd booked your one-way ferry ticket it was obligatory to develop a loathing for the UK and wax lyrical about its imminent descent into the abyss, whilst droning on about France's brilliant (insert brilliant thing of your choice) and the total lack of crime, etc.

Since the tide (it was once a Tsunami, but that's ages ago) of incomers died down, and only the diehards and the stronger of constitution remained, people have had a chance to get used to France, and lo, many - maybe even most - have found it to be a place just like any other. And, as a result of this revelation, many have found themselves agreeing with one another.

We must be such a disappointment to the lurkers these days [:P]

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[quote user="You can call me Betty"]and lo, many - maybe even most - have found it to be a place just like any other. And, as a result of this revelation, many have found themselves agreeing with one another.
[/quote]

Your right there. I like to think I am quite adaptable and can live anywhere after all life is was you make it. I had to change my lifestyle completely and France, a place I had only ever visited twice before, seemed a good a place as any. Having said that I could be doing the same thing probably anywhere else in the world.

[quote user="idun"]

getting all the rose coloured publicity on programs like Little England....... [/quote]

I'm glad you mentioned that. I was channel flipping last night and found this program. I normally wouldn't watch it because I have met these types so many times before whilst here. Its a bit like The Office which also makes me wince as I have met many people in real life who are just like the characters in the show. I caught it just in time to see the young chap working (term used lightly) as a builder with his father. His father said his son wanted to be a rock star! His son speaks better French than English or so he said, this may be true but it's the way he said it that made you think "Yea, right". Strangely he has a band with his younger brother and two French 'friends' but they (well him actually) only sing in English even at the local French bar. I am probably getting cynical in my old age and just couldn't watch anymore. Even the jewelry channel is more interesting.

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And I have to disagree, the Jewelry Channel is not more interesting than Little England. I watch it. I thank my lucky stars that I didn't live anywhere where there were many brits, although I could have. In fairness, some of the bad in our lives may have been avoided if we had. One thing is for sure, I would have not learned much french and probably known little of France too.
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The father's email seemed to me just the sort of item which a former mentor used to recommend that you wrote down, getting every last detail off your chest, shoved in the drawer over night and tore up the next morning. You then telephone or meet the intended recipient and say much the same stuff but in a proper dialogue rather than in one-sided, irreversible print.

I usually remember these wise words to my cost just after the letter has dropped into the mail box or I have hit the send button.

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His problem, not his kids. The man sounds a bit of a control freak. 'I gave you all this, therefore you must fall into line with my expectations' type of thing. Sorry mate, no one forced you to send your kids to private school, did they? It's their lives, their choices, and parents should be there for support, love and to provide advice. But they should never judge.

Sure, he has every right to feel that way, but I believe he has absolutely no right to push those feelings on his offspring who are all mature adults and have their own lives.

As someone here said, nothing wrong with writing down your feelings and then chucking it away after, but I think his kids now have every right to tell their dad that he is now a disappointment to them. I wonder if he was a disappointment to his father?

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[quote user="Hoddy"]Maybe I misunderstood, but I thought he'd written this in response to moaning phone calls from his kids which had upset his wife. That doesn't seem too reprehensible to me. It's not as though they hadn't aired their problems to him.

Hoddy[/quote]

Perhaps, it does sound that the kids need to lose the apron strings, in which case the parents need to say, we've done everything we can for you, we have given advice, support etc, it's up to you to follow it or not. In defence of him, it does sound that they are needy.

I know I have done many things (particularly in the past 8 years) which would have disappointed my father. He'd be turning in his grave to know that I lived in both France and the US for example lol. But at the end of the day, what I have chosen in my life is for me to bear or receive the rewards, and really has nothing to do with my parents. I think where I am now though, both my parents would be proud, because I am finally at a place where I am truly happy.

Similarly, his kids have chosen things, some are no doubt great, others not so, but that's life, no one knows what's going to happen, and no one really can judge either.

Perhaps I went off at the deep end with my original appraisal, as my father was quite controlling with me and it struck a few nerves with me. But at the end of the day, we are all accountable to ourselves first and cannot control others.

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[quote user="Hoddy"]I agree with you, Richard. From what you say though you didn't keep ringing up your parents to share your problems.

Hoddy[/quote]

It would be hard to. They've both been dead the past 15 years.

I've learnt there are many different ways to solving problems though. I believe by solving your own problems (as much as you can, of course it doesn't mean you can't confide in others), and going through those hard times are what makes you grow and develop. To me, that's success; not whether you have a good job or not.

I think if I was the father, that might be the main thing I'd be most disappointed with his kids, that they appear (based on what it says in that article) too needy.

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Of course he has the right to expect his kids to do something decent with their lives, given the life he had. They seem to have been downwardly mobile bums which no parent wants. 'Ugger this wishy washy, liberal concept of happiness, kids should be able to achieve up to their abilities, not slide down into the morass or mediocrity. But they have been treated too nicely by the parents; had the mother told them to stop being whiney little wimps, they would have been better off.
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