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How dare you say it's not me!


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God, you know how to hurt a man, don’t you.  I mean, after this long absence I return to the site and what do I get?  One person finds my posting “mildly amusing” – well Gee, thanks – while a couple of others don’t even believe I’m me!  And on top of that the forum insists on describing me as a junior member.

 

Never mind.   What I wanted to talk about is fashion.   You see, I’ve just returned from Piegut market with what I think was a rather splendid purchase.  On the clothes stall, I found a really nice pullover with a knitted picture of a labrador’s head on the front.  Or it might be a cat.  Anyway, the point is, this is clearly a one-off.  I’ve never seen a pullover quite like it.  Come to think of it, I’ve never seen a labrador’s head quite like it either, but it’s all done in such exquisite taste, right down to the three dimensional nose (how can anybody be so clever as to knit a sticky-out nose?) and the lovely purple eyes.  This was clearly no mass-produced, Marks and Spencer garment, oh deary me no!  It was what they refer to as designer wear, and I knew immediately that I had to have it.  I won’t tell you the price, because frankly you wouldn’t believe it.  But do get yourself to Piegut market if you can, fellas, because there’s another pullover on the same stall with a picture of a sideways-on penguin!

 

Or it might be a nun.

 

So what is it about the French and fashion?  Before coming to live here, I always imagined that France was the home of fashion, flair and good taste.  Even the words we used in English to describe such matters – savoir faire, chic, debonair, suave - were French.  As a schoolboy, I came to believe that France was the source of all things exotic, exciting and adventurous: there was French kissing, French letters, something they called soixante neuf, the Folies Bergeres, Pigalle, Brigitte Bardot.  In my teens, holiday visits to Paris and Nice confirmed all my expectations: French clothes were indeed smarter, French women more alluring, and French style more glamorous than anything I had seen in England.  (Mind you, I lived near Darlington, so it’s quite possible that a day trip to London, or Oxford, or even Chernobyl, would have had the same effect).

 

Now that I am older, and live in France, I see things differently of course.  French kissing is simply an unnerving social dilemma which frequently leaves me poised, lips puckered expectantly, only to find that the expected recipient has left to eat a sausage roll. In the same way, French letters tend to be either bills or adverts for sit-on lawnmowers.  The soixante neuf position merely means that my wife is searching for her bedsocks. And to cap it all, the French seem no longer to warrant their reputation as classy dressers.  Here in the northern Dordogne, I find myself sitting in supposedly posh restaurants alongside ladies wearing galoshes and bobble hats, or frumpy dresses and white ankle socks.  In SuperU today I saw a grizzled octogenarian with the immortal logo “Power Shower” emblazoned across his bright yellow T-shirt. And who buys those enormous, formidable, stiff, flesh-coloured undergarments one sees in some shops? 

 

This lack of taste extends to furniture and house décor, as well.  What is this French obsession with brown?  Brown tiles, brown paintwork, brown flock wallpaper.  Everywhere.  Why do they fill their gardens with gnomes and windmills, and festoon their Christmas trees with tacky shiny wrapping papers?

 

Why, in other words, can’t they all be like me, with my impeccable taste, well-shined shoes and awesomely suave labrador pullover?

 

I think I know the answer.  It’s because they don’t care about all external trappings we British value so much.  They want their houses and clothes and underwear to be functional, and comfortable, and sensible, and good value, rather than to impress other people.  They actually let their children decorate their Christmas trees, for heaven’s sake, instead of buying in the beautiful, perfect, expensive creations we see in England.  They are entirely unimpressed with flash cars, flash jewellery and flash gits. 

 


  • Welcome back, and how could you possibly be anybody else?

    I'm still trying to get my head around the connection between sit-on lawnmowers and French letters - there must be some strange people in your part of France. I do agree though that brown is definitely the new black, while looking at our local market, it seems that blue nylon pinnies and those flesh-coloured big pants are the new haute couture.

    Can you publish a picture of your wonderful pullover - I want one just like it . True story - around Christmas time, a French lady thought I was Judie's French husband - 'Oh, vous êtes gentille', replied I in my best Franglais accent. 'Non, çe n'etait pas un compliment' she retorted. So if I'm going to be mistaken for a Frenchman with a taste bypass, I really ought to get the right confections.

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    Ahhh, for the mountain fresh smell of Swissbarry wafting once more through the office. I felt it was truly you in my water, after the first Swiss posting I spotted the other day. But I couldn't quite bring myself to believe it. I didn't want to risk disappointment. But it is, at last the real you, complete with genuine brown wallpaper, a nice jumper, and disappointing sock experiences - entirely genuine and just as I imagined. What I very much want to say is welcome back old lad.

    And will the Living France I.T. Guru's kindly adjust your label.

     

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    Swissbarry, I'm new-ish to this site and haven't had the pleasure until now. Gotta re-read your post - so entertaining, great stuff. You should write! When I get the chance I'll be "viewing all posts by this member"... and will look forward to the picture of the jumper too.
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    What is this French obsession with brown? 

    Heaven knows! quite disgusting in houses but all my Parisienne friends are wearing brown this winter so I too bought some pulls and trousers and even an incredibly expensive handbag, that I'm sure I'll never use.  Until last month, I hadn't worn brown since the 70s.

    I knew it was you too.  There was a turn of phrase you used in a brief reply to someone earlier in the week that gave you away!

    M

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    [quote]What is this French obsession with brown? Heaven knows! quite disgusting in houses but all my Parisienne friends are wearing brown this winter so I too bought some pulls and trousers and eve...[/quote]

    Hmmmmm? Strange, when this year's fashion color is pink!

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    But you have to admit it goes very well with brown!

    Swissbarry

    Glad to see you back.  Don't feel too bad about being a junior member Swissbarry (or should I rephrase that?)  I have lost all my previous posts too ....twice.  I will never become a Guru at this rate!

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    Swissbarry how can you say that the french want their underwear to be functional, comfortable,sensible and good value? when you go for your nun/penguin jumper next week go and peruse the ladies underwear.....you shouldn`t have a problem with this , Mr O does it with nonchalance(sp) OK you will get some bloomers but for the most part you will find bits of see through nylon held together with dental floss and if you are realy lucky some will have tassles on (for warmth!)
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    Lovely to hear your voice again.  Do you think that by dressing up in your "designer" French woollie there is a chance that the French will not immediately be able to identify you as English?  HOW do they do that, you don't have to open your mouth and they can tell.  Perhaps it is down to the sophistication of the clothes we wear!

     

    MHJ

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    [quote]Lovely to hear your voice again. Do you think that by dressing up in your "designer" French woollie there is a chance that the French will not immediately be able to identify you as English? HOW do ...[/quote]

    ROFL!!

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    Hmmmmm? Strange, when this year's fashion color is pink!

    Ohmigod, Ray, I didn't realise we had a lurking fashionista on the Forum!  As you're no doubt interested perhaps I should add that lime green and tangerine are also extremely popular colours in Paris stores this winter but few English women could possibly get away with wearing those!  This one certainly couldn't, have enough problems with brown...  M

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    [quote]Hmmmmm? Strange, when this year's fashion color is pink! Ohmigod, Ray, I didn't realise we had a lurking fashionista on the Forum! As you're no doubt interested perhaps I should add that lime gre...[/quote]

    While I always try to look decent, I don't think so. We have a good friend from NYC who is in the Fashion Industry and she told us about the pink way last summer. She comes to Paris 4 or 5 times a year and she takes the TGV down to Rennes to see us and we drive down and meet her for lunch.

    I think that the most attractive thing a woman can wear is a couple of wrinkles when she smiles and a twinkle in her eye.

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    I think that the most attractive thing a woman can wear is a couple of wrinkles when she smiles and a twinkle in her eye.
    Ray

    Well Ray, would you mind if I ask whether you mean only those things or clothing garments in pink as well    My thoughts drift back to another age when wrinkles were sold off the wheels of an old pram base on a Sunday afternoon (or was that winkles ?)

     

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    [quote]I think that the most attractive thing a woman can wear is a couple of wrinkles when she smiles and a twinkle in her eye. Ray Well Ray, would you mind if I ask whether you mean only those things ...[/quote]

    I suspected someone would come in with the 'ever-popular-Nudge/nudge/wink/wink' Sigh!!

    By the way, I hate pink. (Plsease don't ask me about 'even, like you know them?'.)

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    [quote]I suspected someone would come in with the 'ever-popular-Nudge/nudge/wink/wink' Sigh!!By the way, I hate pink. (Plsease don't ask me about 'even, like you know them?'.)[/quote]

    Then you weren't disappointed were you, and sorry but it was not a nudge, nudge, wink, wink, know what I mean, wink, wink, just a simple remark on a Sunday morning which was sadly met by some grumpy old git who says that wrinkles and twinkles as being the parts that tickle his fancy. I do hope that day is a bit off yet, sorry girls no offence meant and I do hope Tina doesn't read this

    By the way, I hate pink. (Plsease don't ask me about 'even, like you know them?'.)

    Is this a bit of code, do spies meet on here ?

     

     


     

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    [quote]Then you weren't disappointed were you, and sorry but it was not a nudge, nudge, wink, wink, know what I mean, wink, wink, just a simple remark on a Sunday morning which was sadly met by some grumpy o...[/quote]

    **Then you weren't disappointed were you**

    Nope!!

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    Well I like pink.   I have a fluffy pink leopard-skin bag.   I have pink trousers.   I have shocking-pink trainers.   I have a pink velvet jacket.

    Everything else is black.   Old French neighbour says my hair is too black for my skin colour, but what does SHE know, eh?     I know better now than to try to embark on philosophical ramblings in French along the lines of "I'm making a statement, okay, it's the nearest I'll ever get to my life's dream of being a Goth".

    I had a slightly (very slightly) surreal moment in Sommieres the other night.  A hitherto unknown aged hippy type (male) with a beady sequinned beret glued to his wiry grey hair took one look at me, said "you'd be much better in contact lenses", and before I could defend myself, carried on his conversation with someone else as if nothing had happened.   And maybe it didn't.   It was a sort of Kafkaesque moment, but not as interesting.   

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