What would you do?

[Opalienne]

I apologise in advance if this post sounds mean, but I am at my wits end about an English family who arrived in our village in July 2004.   Because they don't speak French they rely on us a lot to help them out with all kinds of things, and it's beginning to get me down.  

My husband has just phoned me to say that the husband is away and tomorrow is the wife's birthday (I work away from France during the week).  She doesn't want to spend her birthday on her own (though her son is there, so I don't quite understand this) and is leaving for England at 7am to see her daughter and not returning until Thursday.   The problem is that they have two male dogs, the second of which was only introduced into the household a fortnight ago.   Apparently they are still fighting quite a bit.   She asked my husband to go down and let them out from time to time while she is away.   In addition to the dogs fighting, my husband has a problem walking (has to use a stick) and no transport.   Less than a month ago he had a bad fall and was taken to hospital with concussion.   She is aware of this, and their house is probably about 1km from ours.  I calculate that he will have to walk at least 6 km and probably more in the next 36 hours.

I don't have their current phone number - they just changed it - and he won't give it to me because he doesn't want to upset her (it's 'liste rouge' so I can't get it by other means).   So I have sent an email saying that I don't think this is fair on anyone.    Am I being horrible?  Should I give them more time to settle in and integrate more?  What would you do in the circumstances?

[Christine Animal]

I would give them time to settle in and integrate more by taking on their responsibilities for a start.  Her birthday can always be celebrated upon her husband's return.  I do not see why your poor husband should have to take on her responsibilities.  That's my "prickly side"...   Makes me mad when people are so selfish.

 

[PossumGirl]

I'm with Christine!  This is just plain rude of her and she's taking horrible advantage of your husband. He's just too nice!

PG

[Opalienne]

Thanks, PossumGirl and Christine.   That's very reassuring.   My husband is one of those people who doesn't want to upset anyone (except me, of course, but that's the function of a spouse, non?), and as a result people take advantage of him.   I said in my email to her that I spend my birthday alone (or at least away from my family) most years and that it doesn't seem to have done me any harm!  She hasn't replied........

[Iceni]

Stop being so "English" and tell the selfish female hound to F.O.A.D. I cannot believe that you will be mentioned in her will so you have nothing to lose.

John

not

[Ziggy Stardust]

If they have been in the village since July 2004, why haven't they integrated by now??

It's not your fault that they haven't and you shouldn't be held to ransom everytime they need something.

I think she is being incredibly thoughtless and self-centered.

Good for you! 

Lou.

[Teamedup]

How awful for you Opalienne. The worst bit being that it is causing friction in your own household.

 

You do what is right for you and your family.

 

Comme elle est mesquine! Not someone you ever want to know or have anything what so ever to do with.

[Cerise]

Say NO and mean it.  I say this advisedly as I helped a family in similar circumstances but eventually their problems became so enormous that my life was being taken over.  When I got to the point that I was dreading to go out in case I bumped into either them or someone who needed me to communicate with them - vet, doctor, mayor etc - I managed to stop helping, but not before things made me really unhappy.  These people and their dogs are not your problem, nor is her return to England, or her inability to speak French - you  are not unkind but just wanting to have a proper life of your own.

Bon Courage

Maggi

[Opalienne]

It's not really causing a lot of friction in the family because my OH says he agrees with me, but he's just not brave enough to say No.   But the problem is that I can't say no unless she reads my email.......

You're right - they are people we probably wouldn't have anything to do with if they hadn't turned up in the village.   Not that they are unpleasant, but they do believe that the world owes them a living and they really don't make much effort to help themselves. Ah well.....

I'm very glad to have had so much support.   I suppose it is part of being very 'English' that made me wonder whether I was being a bitch or not!

[Opalienne]

The word that was removed was a female dog.......

[Teamedup]

Well you were not being a chienne at all.

Sorry I thought that your husband wouldn't give you her number and you were not happy about that...... had I misunderstood?

[Opalienne]

I wasn't particularly unhappy that he wouldn't give me her number - I understand how he feels about not wanting to upset people when he is there all week on his own.  But I just wish that he would stand up for himself a bit more! It's not really friction causing - yet.....

[Blanche Neige]

Opalienne

as you are not in France and your OH is on his own and not in the best of health I think this is the golden opportunity to say that their request is inconvenient and that your husband is not able to look after their dogs. Perhaps you could supply the with the name and tel. no. of the local kennels.

 

Now is the time to be firm with them and maybe say to them that after 2 years in France they must be used to the lifestyle and should  be independent.

 

Good luck, do let us know what happens.

[Opalienne]

OH has just phoned to say that her husband has phoned from Germany asking if everything is OK for tomorrow.  He said that I had sent an email and that they should read it and call him back.  We then proceeded to have a row about (1) why he'd left it all up to me and (2) whether he should say that he was worried about the dogs or just tell them that he couldn't carry on running round after them at a moment's notice.   He said he felt bad because the husband had helped with a plumbing problem two weeks ago.   But that's about all that has ever happened in that direction - it's always the other way round.......

[Opalienne]

OK, end of story for now.   She sent me an email saying that she was surprised that my husband hadn't said no, it was only two visits to let the dogs out (despite the fact that she was going to be away for 36 hours and that dogs don't get on all that well yet) and that she took him shopping with her so she thought it was fair.   (She does take him shopping occasionally, but only when she is going anyway, so it's hardly a big favour).   This made me pretty wild, so I replied saying that we would be happy to help in emergencies, but that was it.   OH hasn't heard any more and she hasn't dropped the key in, so I guess he's let off for tomorrow - though what will happen to the dogs I don't know. 

[Blanche Neige]

The dogs are their problem and not yours.

 

 

Stick to your guns Opalienne it sounds as though you may well be on the way to getting rid of them. They will be the ones at a loss, not you.

[Patf]

We've recently had dealings with a similar family and I'm afraid to say

told them we'd had enough well before you did. I rationalised, saying

that they need to do things for themselves as it's the only way to

learn. Husband and I had one or two arguments too - he's very

soft-hearted - but finally he said " no more!". So just tell yourself

you're doing them a favour by making them stand on their own feet. Pat.

[josa]

Personally I think you are being harsh.

What would it really cost you to help these people out? Life is not about what you get out of it, or what price you pay, but in relationships.

If you really could not have helped, well say so and no-one would have thought the worse of you, but, from your postings, I get the impression that it was a matter of inconvenience, not impossibility.

Actually, you probably think this likewise as, I suspect, you would not have posted unless you felt a little guilty. From your later postings it appears they also help your family out in other ways-  are you trying to be defensive by saying "She does take him shopping occasionally, but only when she is going anyway, so it's hardly a big favour" - and reading between the lines perhaps your OH agrees with me - is there more to this than meets the eye??  

[Opalienne]

No, it's not a matter of inconvenience.  And I couldn't agree more about life not being about what you get out of it - that's exactly my problem with them.  My husband has trouble walking and had a bad fall only a month ago.   He was in hospital with concussion, and they know this.   What would have been involved was a lot of walking - some of it at night, if he had really looked after the dogs properly - and in addition he was worried that the dogs would fight and he would have to take the blame.   This has happened before, when this family blamed another neighbour for the suicide (I kid you not) of someone who had been working on their house.   We are really fed up with having to help them with everyday things (I had to go to the gynaecologist with her, my husband to the dentist... not to mention bank, mairie, builders etc)

My husband is too nice to say that he could not have helped in this instance - and indeed to say so would have been untrue.   He could have helped, but at considerable risk to himself.  I was worried about him, and he was worried about the dogs.  I did say that he couldn't help as soon as I knew about this.  (BTW, he doesn't have a car because with his disability it has just proved too difficult - he has had 4 accidents in 9 years and decided himself that it wasn't worth continuing).  I asked about this because I wanted to reassure myself - maybe that's wrong but I wanted the opinion of others.

There is no more to this than meets the eye.   There is a big difference between taking someone shopping when you are going anyhow - I was particularly annoyed that she had cited this in the way she did - and asking someone with mobility problems to do a lot of walking to look after your dogs when you are not grown up enough to spend your birthday on your own (and her son is there so she wouldn't have been on her own anyhow).   Sorry!   But the more I think about this the angrier I get.  In an emergency it would have been quite different.   But this was a matter of choice and quite unnecessary.

[josa]

OK Op - your call - presumably you are comfortable with your decision and that is important.

I still think ther must be more than meets the eye, especially after your last post - seems to raise a whole lot of underlying issues.

BUT - that is for you - Very Best Wishes

JD

[Opalienne]

What are the underlying issues you see? It seems quite straightforward to me.......

Best wishes

[Loiseau]

Where is the son in all this?  I thought he was going to be around to spend your neighbour's birthday with her - and now she is going away.  Couldn't the son have looked after the animals ?

Angela

[Opalienne]

He is only 11 so maybe (rightly) she thought he was too young to be left on his own overnight.  

[darnsarf]

Forgive me putting my twopenneth in.

I get the feeling that there is some misunderstanding about the depth of the friendship between the two families. Possibly you might have sent signals in the past about your willingness to enter into a stronger relationship with the family than is actually the case - I can think of few more buddy like gestures than accompanying someone to their gynecologist! On the other hand, you seem to feel that it is a one-way friendship. It is possible though that the other couple do respond how they can and when they can but their circumstances mean they are relying more on you than maybe is fair. Only you can really tell which is the case. I suspect that by resisting on this occasion you have probably sent the right message and things may settle down to a less one-way arrangement. Best not to inflame the issue anymore though.

Your story did make me think about our own situation. We bought a house last year and for a variety of reasons haven't really been able to get down there as often as we would like. Our nearest neighbours are a young English couple. Inevitably, there are things that happen - whether its worry about the roof after bad weather, forwarding bills etc. The couple are entirely friendly and we share a glass or two when we see them but it's also clear they like their privacy. Although the husband works, his wife doesn't and they have no kids and no 'projects' filling her time.But I got the impression early on that it wouldn't have been right to ask too many favours, too often (but I do know they would help if I asked, but not too often). Nearby lives a French woman, over eighty years of age (though as fit as a fiddle) and she has been a superb help. She wants to help and is great for knowing which plumber to call, keeps a timesheet for the gardener and pays them from a float I give her. I do make it quite clear how much I appreciate her help. My french is only OK and her accent very strong but I think she knows I really do appreciate it and seems to understand that it's inevitably going to be a bit oneway (I offered her a weekend in London 'chez nous' to see the sights but she thought I was bonkers for suggesting such a gesture!) and I bring her a token gift every time we visit. Frankly, she's lonely and I wish I could do more to help and return her friendly gestures but I can't really. We have a cup of tea and a lengthy chinwag about local gossip which she seems to enjoy (even if I don't understand much of the detail of her stories). And I do worry that it is one way and would hate to get into a situation where she was feeling a bit like you are. I always say to her "you must tell me if you would prefer to stop helping in this way or if you feel it is becoming too much" . The gorgeous woman never has....

 

[Opalienne]

Thanks for your twopenneth, darnsarf.  I think you are right - maybe we have signalled that we want to be better friends than we do.   If they had not been English we probably would have been no more than acquaintances, and we should have made it clearer earlier on that we wanted to keep some distance.  However, it's difficult to say no when people don't speak the language or understand the way things are done (for example, all their cheques were returned at the beginning because they wrote them 'English-style', with the payee first and then the amount etc)  and rely on you so much for help. I  have tried by being frequently unavailable and a bit distant at weekends, but then they just wait till I am gone and try with my husband, who finds it hard to say no to anyone (and is retired so they think he has lots of time).   I think that this incident may have done the trick, though.

I still find it difficult to be tough like this, but I know it's the right thing to do.  Thanks to everyone for their advice.