He beat her - what can I do to help her???

[Lori]

She is my very best friend here and she has been living through hell

over the last 5 years.  She is British (lived here for more than

20 years - married to a French man).  Her husband was made

redundant 8 years ago.  He has steadily fallen into manic

depression and alcoholism.  The last 3 years have been spent with

him in and out of Psychiatric hospitals, Alcohol Abuse hospitals and

police stations.  She has stood by him through unspeakable

horror.   All the local police stations and supermarkets know

about him - he has opened booze bottles in most all of the supermarkets

and drunk it, then put the bottle back on the shelf, stolen items,

driven under the influence, etc.  I'm making a long story short.

Now,  last Wednesday, he beat her up while their 13 year old son

was closed in his room.  The neighbors heard her screams and

called the police.  Everyone knows what has been happening to this

family.  The police came and took him aside.  They did NOT

arrest him - I don't know why.  The local Doctor (who also knows

and has been involved in the treatment of all family members) was

called to the house.  No broken bones, just badly bruised

up.  I have been trying to call her for days and had to call her

sister in the UK to find out how / where she is.  She is an asst.

teacher and doesn't make that much money.  She has found a small

apt. to rent and I am glad she is getting out of that house - but angry

that she is not able to stay in the house she had lived in for nearly

17 years. 

My question - is there some place I can go online or to the book store

to read up on the rights of battered women in this country.  It is

not something that we think we will every need to know, but I WANT to

know.  She is in a very vulnerable state and I would like to know

what is there to help her.  She had acquired a French attorney

before the latest attack.  She met with the attorney again last

Monday, just before the beating.  Her advice was unusual to me and

I had told my  friend that.  Now that the attack happened,

she spoke again to her attorney and was advised to leave the house and

take as much as she can with her.

Husband has gone off to visit some woman he met in a rehap

hospital.  No one knows where he really is or when he will return

or in what condition.  I just want to read up on this

problem.  I really want to help my friend and have offered for her

and her son to stay here with me, store things here until the apt. is

ready, lend her money, help her pack, etc.  I would do anything

for her, but first and foremost, I would like to know what laws exist

to help protect her and her son.

Anyone have any suggestions??

Thanks.

[saddie]

In the pagesjaunes there is a women's help no for conjugal violence 01 40 33 80 60 and also I saw a notice in the doctor's surgery about the same thing. Not much but it is a start. Hope it helps

[SaligoBay]

Lori, there's also SOS Femmes http://www.sosfemmes.com/violences/violences_menu.htm

you might get some ideas there.  Good luck.

[memyselfi]

Hi,

I'm very sorry to hear about your friends situation and as I've been in a very similar one myself it's prompted me to reply. It's a very difficult situation and it depends mainly on what your friend wishes to do i.e does she want to end the relationship? I know it sounds like a stupid question but many women for many different reasons end up deciding to "give it another go".

Anyway legally speaking she needs to make a formal complaint at her local gendarmerie and if the neighbours are willing she may be able to use them as witnesses, she needs also to see a doctor at the very least to provide evidence of the assault and she needs to engage an avocat - there are laws in France against domestic violence but it depends really on what she wants to do next.

[Catalpa]

There's a thread underway on TotalFrance at the moment which has a similar basis but the woman is now some years on from deciding on a divorce and is having problems with allocation of assets - which may be an issue if your friend decides to divorce, especially if she has left their home. The link is:

http://www.totalfrance.com/france/forum/viewtopic.php?t=11979&highlight=

There's a potentially useful legal website link and also a publication to read before instituting separation or divorce proceedings. If she chooses separation / divorce as the best next step, it would be wise to get the right information at the start.

[Lori]

Thanks to all.

Yes, Mairie, Memyselfi also sent me a link to that website in a

PM.  It also has other links that are invaluable.  THANK YOU !

After 5 years of total horror and unlimited threats to her life and the

life of their child, my friend has finally realized there is no hope

for this marriage.  She had already seen a lawyer here prior to

the Wednesday beating.  Now that the violence has escalated, that

lawyer has advised her to get out of the house - that wasn't the advice

prior...even though threats were a mainstay.

As for the Doctor report, he was called to the house by the local

police who responded to the neighbor's call for help.  He knows

the whole sorted story, so a report form him should not be a problem.

I read on one of the links that Mairie and Memyselfi sent the

requirements for getting legal aid as a victim.  My friend does

not earn a great deal of money, and she would qualify for this

aid.  I intend to talk with her about this, just in case her

lawyer hasn't.  The numbers are very clear on the website and they

even state WHAT the legal aid will pay .

Extremely careful.  She has called me now  ... have to go to talk to her

[Russethouse]

catalpa  - same post on here in the legal section.

Good luck with your friend Lori ........she is lucky to have such a caring friend.

[Lori]

I am so glad she called me.  For all she is going through, she

sounded pretty good.  The apt. she rented is being

renovated.  That is why she cannot get in until next Saturday at

the earliest, the following Saturday at the latest.  She does have

the key though.  I am going over in the morning to bring some

boxes over and help her pack things.  We will go to the apt. to

measure her bedroom as I have a bed she can take if it isn't too

big.  She likes the apt. and that means it will make her feel

better.

Her son's grades have dropped (he had maintained #2 status in his

college class the last two years).  He too is looking forward to

getting into the new apt.  They have no idea when the husband will

return.  Since the apt. is not ready yet and school/work are in

that village, they are staying at the house at night.  I begged

her to come here (we have a two bedroom apt. on the lower floor of our

house - there is no question of room), but she wants to stay at home to

pack each night and be closer to work/school.  She promised me she

would come if he shows up - no matter what time of the day or night.

No one deserves to be abused, physically or mentally, but this woman is

perhaps one of the kindest most giving human beings I have ever

known.  Everyone who knows her can attest to that.  The

police had just visited her prior to her call to me just to make sure

she was okay.  That made her feel a bit better.  I just hate

to see her in such pain.  She is young too - well my age (the

forties). 

The web links have proven most helpful.  I have informed her about

the legal aid and we will discuss if further tomorrow. 

Thanks everyone.

[Ron Avery]

[quote user="Russethouse"]

catalpa  - same post on here in the legal section.

[/quote]

WOW two penniless women in France both daughters of the poster and both trying to divorce an Englishman in the French Courts after 8 years...... what a coincidence  [:O]

I wonder if Accolade will acknowledge the replies she gets on TF[:P] .............

Added for clarity, there have been 9 replies to these postings and nothing  back from Blade/Accolade, perhaps she is off line.........

---

Ron in the Avey-ron

[Russethouse]

Lots of people post on both forums - nothing odd in that.......hopefully somewhere Blade will get some good advice.

Personally I suspect that it is utterly fruitless trying to prove what anyone had eight years ago, if the guy no longer has the money , what can you do ? The situation now is what counts, but I know nothing of French law, its just gut instict or bar room lawyer stuff.

 

[Lori]

As Russethouse stated, what the other poster's question was about

proving what someone had 8 years ago might not be relevant today. 

It would be good to have the data - perhaps tax returns would help, but

it is questionable whether it would make any difference.  Also,

just to clarify, my post involves a British woman married to a FRENCH

man, not a British man.  She has no need to go through the UK for

anything.  All legal proceedings take place here in France.

My friend's lawyer has told her to gather all the paperwork regarding

finances that she can find covering the span of her marriage. 

That is what she was doing yesterday when she called me (thank God

husband wasn't there).  She had all kinds of paperwork showing the

money SHE brought into the marriage and her many years of work - the

lawyer actually thought this would be helpful.  She also had

compiled data from the money he had spent on booze, etc. over the years

(you might not believe how much that adds up to).  And, of course,

documents of all the numerous hospital stays, medications, etc. 

She has a friend who is a secretary at one of the French Social

Services offices.  That friend has helped her write up a sort of

"book" covering the years of "events" in the marriage.  All the

nasty, sorted stuff.  Lawyer seems to want this as ammunition when

husband's side tries to blame the wife for all the troubles - always

blame the victim...  In all this, there is a 13 year old

child.  A very impressionable age and a lovely child.  This

child has witnessed upspeakable things.  On the outside, it seems

he has dealt with it very well, but I KNOW there are some deep pains

hidden somewhere in this child's head.  How do you help that??

I can't tell you how happy I am to really love my husband !   and be loved in return.

[Lori]

UPDATE:    She called me this morning 8:30 am.  He

came back last night (husband).  She saw him through the peep hole

on the door and ran to hide all the financial paperwork she had

gathered.  I cannot go there today (as was planned) to help her

pack.  I begged her to get out of there.  If her apt. is not

ready for one to two weeks, he will surely beat her again - or the

child.  And, this time, they might not walk away from it. 

She agreed with me, but is not sure about leaving the house.  I am

meeting her at 11 am in the village (not the house).  She wants to

show me the flat and I will then take them to lunch so we can

talk.  Kids (mine and hers) will have a separate table so they

don't have to live through our conversation (they get on very well

together).

One to two weeks is a long time for an abuser.  I KNOW he will not

be able to control his anger and rage that long and it is always the

wife and child who suffer.

I will let you know if I can convince her to come stay with me.

Wish me luck.

[SaligoBay]

Good luck, Lori.

I'm glad you're all taking it seriously.  The figures for domestic violence are not one of France's better points, and as you say, the next time she might not walk away.

That poor woman in Melbourne, Claire MacDonald, after years of physical, sexual, and psychological abuse, hid in the garden for over an hour waiting for the chance to shoot her husband dead.  It's an interesting case, because it looks like premeditation, what choice did she have after all those years of abuse?   She got him, btw. 

I'm sure your friend will be a changed person once she's out of the reach of this sicko.

[Alcazar]

Best of luck Lori.

DO PLEASE be careful for your own safety too..........I've read FAR too many accounts of avbusers who go on to beat up the friend who helped, once the wife is no longer available for a punch bag[8o|]

Alcazar

[Lori]

Thanks to all for the good advice. 

I met with my friend and her son today.  They took me to see their

new apt.  It is bright and cheerful and her eyes shined as she

showed me what she had planned for each room.  Her son also seemed

so excited about making the move.

Apparently arresting the husband for the beating would only keep in two

days in hospital.  The Doctor and police felt that it would only

flame the fire.  The husband actually has called the local police

to say he was going to hang himself.  The Gendarmes told my friend

that they could have him hospitalized for that alone as "being a threat

to himself."  Only this requires special police paperwork passed

through certain social service associations and even requires the

intervention of the local Mayor.  At this point, that is not being

done.  That could change.

Unfortunately, with the husband back, moving things out will become

much harder.  He never leaves the house.  She did tell him

that she was moving out and he agreed to let her take the contents of

the son's bedroom, but nothing else could really be agreed on. 

She doesn't have intentions to take much, leaving all the kitchen

appliances and major furniture pieces.  She really has only a

small list of items to take.  I just fear he will throw a fit when

the taking actually starts.   Thanks Alcazar, I will be very

careful of my personal safety.  My daughter is not allowed to come

with me to help with the move, just in case things go bad.

I begged my friend to come stay with me for the two weeks it is going

to take to complete the renovation of the apt.  She is afraid that

if she leaves, she will never be able to get back in and would lose all

the precious items from her family, etc. that have been given to her

over the years.  She promised me she would take her son and leave

the moment anything gets rough.  I told her that, to me, two weeks

is a very long time under these circumstances.  She is a grown

person and I have to respect the decisions she makes, but I will not

sleep well until she is out of that house.

Husband has already tampered with the car so that it wouldn't start (it

is only a 2 year old car, so it is new).  Then, he removed one of

the tires and left the car on a jack so she had to find other means to

get to work.  I wouldn't put anything past this guy.

This is going to be a LONG two weeks.  I told her I would like to

do the cleaning of the apt. as it would help me pass the time. 

The renovation will leave a mess and they never really clean it up like

it should be.  She is in such a rush to get into the place, she

doesn't know how she can find the time to go over and clean

first.  I just hope the place becomes available for room to room

cleaning SOON.  It will help me pass the time while doing

something worthwhile.  Her work schedule could send a healthy

person to the hospital.  Plus all the social services dossiers she

needs to fill out take forever, plus calling EDF, water company, phone

company, etc.

Thanks to all of you for your help, advice and wishes of luck.