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finding it hard going


Alma

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For all of you women out there (and I guess there might be some men) in the situation of having the other half still living/working in england and commuting -  does it bother you?  What sort of problems do you have if any!

I have been here with the kids for over 4 years now with partner still 'visiting' about once a month and to be honest I find it hard going when he's here (so do the kid's sometimes as well).  The problem is that we have are life arranged to suit us and our clubs, friends etc which the other half is not involved in so he expects us to put our lives on hold for the week he is here.  He's the one 'suffering' the lonely life in england to keep us in the good life over here.  I have a full time job so all he contributes now is basically the cost of some building work as and when necessary and a bit of food brought from england ( the bacon, cheese etc.!).  I really resent this attitude sometimes and then other times I feel guilty because he is still stuck over there (but I think it's still a bit of his lack of confidence to make the complete move over here).  Is this normal feelings that other people have in the same situation or is it the beginnings of another 'life change'  because I do feel honestly that I am living in limbo.  I haven't got that special person to discuss my feelings, everyday worries with, and I am seriously feeling that if someone else came onto the scene it wouldn't take too much to put an end to my marraige. 

I really would appreciate other peoples perspective on this because I am not longer sure if it is just because I am a bit lonely or depressed or whether it is a problem that is suffered by others in the same situation.

Thanks in anticipation

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Hi Alma, no, I'm not in the same situation as you and cannot comment on it but I just want to say I do sympathise and can understand your feelings.

For us, retired folk too, it can be a big change.  Once I had my own life and spent large parts of it "doing my own thing"..........work, colleagues, going out with the girls (shopping, meals, concerts), gym, separate holidays, charity fundraising, etc, etc.

Now, we are together a lot more; living in the same house the whole time, eating meals together, walking the dog, doing the gardening.  Sure, I "escape" here to the forum, I play my piano, cook and bake in the kitchen, do the food shopping and generally try my best to spend time on my own.  Still, it's not the same when you are suddenly thrown together so much.

This is the other side of the coin to yours.  I dare say, it's to do with any major life-changes: marriage, birth of a child, moving to another country, empty-nest syndrome, widowhood.....just big stuff that requires adaptation and a renegotiating of your relationship.

We've been here 18 months now and it still feels very strange and not always easy.

Don't know whether this is any consolation but I do hope you manage to keep on top of things and not get too dragged down by your circumstances.  Forgive me if I say something that you might not like to hear but,  I come from a generation that "put up with things" and indeed, there are just times when what cannot be cured must be endured.

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Thanks for the reply - it's nice to know other people have similar problems going on. 

You say you have been here 18 months - still in the holiday period then?  It's generally judged that the first 12 - 18 months is the 'holiday' period the following year(ish) reality starts to kick in and if you can get past that period you will probably stay long term.  Do you think your move was worth it?  Is your life any happier, settled?  Sorry, after reading this statement over it seems to be a bit harsh - it's not written with that meaning.  I hope you are very happy here!

Your statement about being from a generation that 'put up with things' does not offend!  My 40's are quickly coming to an end so I am almost in the same catagory.  Perhaps that is part of my 'problem' -  I wanted to move here to take up a challenge and not carry on in a rut for the rest of my life.  Now I am in a different country and whilst I have new adventures and challenges to overcome I still feel my life is floundering somewhat.

C'est la vie!!

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"Life floundering", yes, I can relate to that!  Certainly, there were times in my life when I felt just that.

You are a working mum and so I know your life must be very full.  But, the "emptiness" of living the way you do (with a part-time husband) must be almost inevitable, I would hazard.

Thank you for asking and yes, I am very happy living here in France.  For one thing, I'd never had the chance to live a "country" life and I find that it suits me totally.  Peace, quiet, tranquillity, surrounded by open fields and everything that much simpler than our life in the UK.  Don't really miss family or friends much; now have new and different friends and the chance to ditch the people I didn't like has been nothing if not liberating.

I do hope that, for you, the "new adventures and challenges" will outnumber the drawbacks.

All the very best, Alma.  I do feel for you and I think you are very brave indeed to confront your problems the way you are doing.  That, of course, is the first thing...........face up to the problems and then you should stand some chance of mitigating them.

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Sorry to be a dissenting voice, but have you tried looking at things from your husband's point of view?

For example - "he expects us to put our lives on hold for the week he is here". Are you not pleased to see him and prepared to accommodate what he might like to do? That week must be especially valuable to him.

And "all he contributes now is basically the cost of some building work as and when necessary and a bit of food brought from england ". I am sure he would like to feel wanted when he is with you and the kids, what you say sounds almost as if you resent him.

"I haven't got that special person to discuss my feelings, everyday worries with..." Phone calls from France to England are cheap enough - even free - with the right package.

Believe it or not I do understand. My life follows a vaguely similar pattern to your husband's. And my wife has a job, and friends, and things in France to occupy her time. But I know that she welcomes me when we are together, and values my contribution, however small. Yes, it can be a lonely life. But I don't think I 'suffer' it; I try to have a more positive view and make the most of the good things about England - which helps me enjoy my time in France all the more.

You do sound down, and uncertain, and I am sorry if I sound trite and unsympathetic - that's not the intention. One other thing - you also talk of "if someone else came onto the scene it wouldn't take too much to put an end to my marraige" - that, to me, is really sad. From my own knowledge of our similar situation I would say that it would be very easy for your husband to do the same. The fact that he has not done anything like that shows that he, at least, wants to make things work.

Please feel free to send me a message if you think I can help.

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I've been in a similar situation when I worked in the States for 6 months and found there was a lot of pressure to have a "great time" when we did get together which didn't always happen, becasue we were both having a fairly rough time at work but we did work through it, but the situation ended up indirectly changing our jobs. Time moved on and we set a business together (24/7) and when it was tough, as a lot of newly self emloyed will understand we could easily have split up on many occasions but after 3 rough years things started to ease up and we're really happy to still be together. Only you can know what's making you unhappy, I know sometimes when you're in thick of it you can't even talk it through with your other half, but with all the doom and gloom, grey skies and general November misery its easy to be enveloped by all of it. Saying all that in January I'll be over in France renovating and OH will be running the UK business and we will be in a similar situation to you and it could carry on for a couple of years, but I keep thinking of the WW1 slogan which was "Stay calm and carry on"[:)]
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Alma

I've been in the same (but opposite) situation for the last 3 years, in so far as it was I who was working in the UK, but only got over for holidays about 4 times a year, when indeed hubby did, to some extent, put his life on hold for the period.  It must be harder for you as you have work here, whereas my husband was retired, so it was not quite the same.  I did find that it was quite strange to come here, change almost all my life for 1 week or 2 and then go back to the working life in the UK.  Likewise hubby found it strange to not do things because I was here.  Strangely, I felt in limbo back in the UK, because I was waiting for the big move over to arrive, so probably felt very much like you are - floundering, and not taking the opportunities as they came along.

Now I am here permanently and retired (albeit early) I find that slowly life is beginning to return to what it was like when we were living together, ie I do the "women's" things (cooking etc) whilst he does the"men's" things, ie chopping wood.  If anything, it is me who is more busy being active inthe community, but that was always the case in the UK.

Perhaps, therefore, you need to think through what to do, and this may depend on how much longer you expect this to go on.  What I am trying to do is say that we have to make the weekends different (so if we are unpacking boxes during the week we do not do so at the weekend - for an example only), and so perhaps you need to look at his arrival as a little "holiday" for you too, as I suspect you do not get such luxuries working and with a family normally.

When the time comes for him to move over permanently (if that is a correct assupmption - if not sorry) then you have to (as as Sweet says) begin to re-arrange one's life yet again.  But for the mo perhaps taking a holiday from all those things you can when he comes may be a solution for you.  Ending a marriage or partnership on a whim, because you feel lost or lonely is very drastic - think of all the effort you have put into in the past to make it all work.

Bon chance - just remember - your dream is worth making some compromises for.

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I'm afraid I'm with Will here and I hope my reply doesn't give offence, it isn't meant to.

I have spent the greater part of the past 20 years working away from home being away for periods ranging from a few weeks to several months. I do therefore understand your feelings and I would say that they are natural however your almost flip comment about 'someone else coming onto the scene' really worries me and makes me think that you may have some fundamental problems in your relationship which would not be fixed even if your husband did give up his job to be with you full time.

The only advice I can offer is that you talk to him about your feelings which I suspect you have not yet, or at least not fully and frankly, because unless he is like minded I cannot believe that he would allow his marriage to be put in jeopardy and risk arriving back on one of his weeks off to find the door shut in his face and someone else warming his side of the marital bed.

For my own part, although my wife doesn't work and is dependant on me, she is making her own life here and despite my return disrupting her routine she never fails to welcome me with love and joy and say goodbye again in sorrow.

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I appreciate all the comments here though it took a while through the blur of tears.  It was obvious the ones that came from the men because they seemed a bit more 'blunt'.  My comment about 'someone else coming on the scene' was not meant to be flippant!  It is how I feel in the present situation and I can assure you after 30 years of marraige it would not be done ON A WHIM. 

Yes there is the telephone but it is not an option for deep and meaningful conversations where the kids can overhear you and at times can leave you wishing you hadn't said something because it is taken the wrong way or is taken out of context so when you put the phone down these things can then fester.  The telephone is o.k for "how are you"? What have you been doing to day?". 

I do appreciate the other half has a lot to put up with (lonliness, boredom....) but he complains about it and does nothing about it.  He hasn't got dependants to worry about when he has finished work - his time is his own for hobbies etc.  and this is part of what I resent.

Perhaps it is because I have changed as a person?  I used to rely on him to do most things but in the last few years I have had to do so much and have the responsibility of coping 'on my own' that I now realise I don't need him to run my life. 

Please offer any more comments because they do help. 

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Alma

The solution lies with you, no-one else. You have to decide what you want from life now. Write down your 10 requirements in order of importance highlighting any or all showstoppers. Only then can possible solutions be offerred.

BTW you confuse me, partner (to me) implies unmarried state or business arrangement yet you say marriage - which is it ? It may have some bearing on the final result.

John (blunt is better)

 

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I used to tutor adults with young children and some of the women attending were from the local army camp. They taught me and their fellow students so much about a life where the husband is constantly away for weeks at a time, often with only a few hours notice. On return the husband would expect life to revolve around them for the short period they were there. Their feelings were exactly as you have written apart from the money aspect; torn between resenting the disruption and being pleased to have him back. What they did say was that

1 - The woman needed outside interests to keep sane.

2. - The children needed a routine which they could rely on.

For the army wives they had the consolation of being in accommodation where most of them where young with children but the downside was that they had to make friendships very quickly (constantly on the move, 3 years maximum stay) but only casual friendships as it was too painful to keep losing friends.

The conclusion they came to was to try to keep their own lives going as far as possible but to give up some of their own activities to spend extra time with their husbands.

I am sure you are not on your own in feeling how you do. Advice? difficult other than try talking to your partner. Best of luck.

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John, thanks for your comments.  I disagree that blunt is better - not in all cases.  I can be very blunt myself sometimes but it comes with a chance of alianting people that otherwise are good friends/nice people.  There is a limit to what you can say and what you should hold back on!

I do not know why I used the word partner.  He is my husband of 30 years but perhaps sometimes it feels more like a partnership than a marraige.!?

 

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Thanks Will for the thought.  I had actually found this site this morning and found it a little helpful.  The 'personality' types have put some things into perspective.  He is between type 1 and 3 whereas I am between type 4 and 6.  Totally imcompatible?

I also did the 'depression' test a couple of times and the 'arrow' went immediately to the end of the scale so is my problem just plain good old depression or is it my marraige?  There is a catch 22 situation huh?

Have not received a message from you yet - must still be in the pipeline somewhere!

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Alma, although some of us are posting here re your problem, we don't know you well enough to say anything other than voice some generalities and perhaps hold up some examples of our own.

I see that amongst the replies, there are some that sound to me to be eminently relevant.  Judith, for example, is right in saying that you could treat your husband's visits as mini holidays and as the chance to get away from some of the more routine and mundane things you do with your children.  If the adults make it a "treat" then the kids will generally enjoy themselves.

John also makes a valid point in sofaras only you can know or decide what actually is going on in your relationship and how you want it to go from here.

BTW, I don't think that anyone is "blunt" as such.  Generalising here but, on the whole, most men do get to the crux of the problem rather quickly but seem to miss out a lot of the detail.  Their "solution" to most problems also tend to be more practical, such as asking where are you going to live if things don't work out?  You can be assured that, even if you think some of the posters here are a bit "to the point", they are mostly kindly and I am sure that they recognise and sympathise with your plight.

If you suspect that you are suffering from depression, then your doctor should be your first port of call.  Depression can be treated like any other illnesses and, at the very least, you could also eliminate it as a factor in your unhappiness if that's not the problem.

Do take it one step at a time.  Prioritise what you need to do to firstly clarify things and secondly set about resolving them.

As in all human situations, there will be no clear-cut answers and it may well be that this is a phase of your life that you have to survive through.  Everything does pass ..... eventually.

Seeking opinions and comfort here is fine so, if it helps, carry on posting but ultimately you and your husband are the ones to work this one through.

I wish you all the very best and here's a big hug as I suspect that you feel that you are missing out on affection and love.  There is always a time for "kissing it better" so don't be embarrassed if that's what you feel is needed.[:)] 

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Sounds to me a typical women's point of view.

He has the right to go hunting and support me..but I don't want to do anything for him when he comes back tired and hurt by the hunt.

Find a rich lover who will support you and ask nothing...if you still have enough to offer in exchange.

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 Two can play that game  Norman, sounds to me like a typical man - martyr to the cause. He wants his children to enjoy lifestyle X but put it on hold while he is there. How contrary is that ? Children need and want routine and stability.

Alma - could the menopause or Peri menopause be playing a part in your feelings ?

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[quote user="NormanH"]Sounds to me a typical women's point of view.

He has the right to go hunting and support me..but I don't want to do anything for him when he comes back tired and hurt by the hunt.

Find a rich lover who will support you and ask nothing...if you still have enough to offer in exchange.

[/quote]

How very constructive and terribly brave of you Norman.............not............[:@]

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Alma - you haven't written anywhere what the long-term plan is. Is it your husband's intention to join you in France at some point or do you envisage your present way of living going on forever ? I know that the answer to that question would make a great difference to how I felt about the situation.

Hoddy

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This is said from a stand point of 40 years of marriage in a separated military environment and a similarly separated civilian situation.

You really really really have to talk to each other, openly, frankly and honestly about your individual feelings about the present situation. Marriage is about partnership, it may be old fashioned to think that way but both 'partners' have to make the effort, nothing less will work.

We have, it works, sometimes it is hard to realise the other persons view is valid but that works for both of you.

Its not fun being apart and you both have to make the effort and adjustments to mitigate the effects of the long term situation. I think it goes without saying that you should both have the same end game in sight.

In short, talk about it to each other, its no good bottling up feelings and thoughts that the other 'partner' is unaware of, they cant do anything about things they dont know about.

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"I am seriously feeling that if someone else came onto the scene it wouldn't take too much to put an end to my marraige"

sounds like that to me.

The 'rich' bit is mine..in that he would have to be to take over the husband's role as breadwinner if the marriage ended.

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I know how the OP feels, and how her husband feels too.

When I was in the RAF I was posted to a unit that worked all over the place repairing aircraft. There were only 70 of us on the unit, and about half of us were married. We had the worst divorce rate in the RAF at the time.

My wife and children were in our house, which we had bought, and I would leave early on a Monday and return late on a Friday. At that time a trip home was at my expense so money was very short as I would have to work at the other end of the country at times. I used to work a 40 to 50 hour week and then sometimes 10 hours driving on top of that.

When I arrived home, shattered, my wife would tell me that she had organised for us to go to some attraction the next day. She was pleased to have me home so that we could do things as a family, but I was looking forward to a rest.

My marriage lasted to about 5 years into that job.

Men are supposed to be strong and not show the effect that a divorce has, but I ended up seeing a shrink and popping anti-depressants.

I now live here with wife number two and we do everything together. We have hardly been apart for more than a few hours in four years and life has never been better.

 

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From reading through the posts so far I think there are a couple of points that really hit home and work, don't just look at as 1 big problem split it up in to bit size bits and deal with the bits you can and put on the back burner to deal with at a later date the things which at that moment feel to much, there will come a time when you can and secondly counselling really works, the one time I had it (not husband related issues) it totally transformed my life and I felt back in control of my own destiny and somethings I realised weren't the problem and things that were the problem I was totally ignoring, but overall I found a new positive outlook on life so I would encourage you to go.

Norman, Norman, Norman you are so far off the mark it hardly is worth considering, except OP was very brave to use the forum as a sounding board, if she really want a lover and not face up to reality that's what she would have done but she didn't she wants to try and work things out, I really hope that someone who is feeling in a fragile position will not be put off posting your remarks were crass in the extreme.

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