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The Diary of a Bad-*** Biker.


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april 27

i've decided to get off my ass and find my true slot in life. i think i'll give it some serious thought.

april 28

i've decided to become a bad-ass biker. gee, the ways them guys ride around on those bikes, girls hanging all over them, drinking and fighting all night, scaring the s!$% out of joe citizen just by looking at him-farout. i've decided step one should be to buy a bike. i've never ridden one, but it can't be that tough. got to be a chopper. tomorrow i'll take a trip downtown to a used chopper shop.

april 29

looked at a lot of bikes today. the guy at the shop kept calling me "squid" for some reason. bought a harley-davidson. got 12-inch rakes or something like that. guy at the shop said that if it ever fell over that i'd need a crane to lift it for me. smartass. buddy of mine brought it home in the back of his truck. didn't want to ride it yet, figured i'd practice a little before i hit the road.

april 30

tried to start it in the garage today.

may 15

got the cast off my ankle today.

may 21

finally got the hang of starting the stupid thing, i think. didn't realize it was this tough. tomorrow's the big day. take the old girl for a spin and "profile" -I think that's what us bikers call it.


excuse the writing. i'm using my left hand because i sprained my wrist in the fall. goddam thing was heavy, but i went down with the ship. took about three hours to get going again but i'm a step closer to being an badass. i guess i got to work on my image now. instead of cringing with fear, the locals just laughed and pointed.

may 25

bought a magazine called "easyriders" today. i guess a lot of badasses read it. might get some ideas from it.

may 26

letting my hair grow, trying to start a beard, shaved off 400 zits. jesus, got to be an easier way. anyhow, i bleached my jeans some and spent 3 hours rubbing them in dirt and grease. got a genuine chain belt and leather vest. maybe i ought to shave. my chest too.... those three hairs aint gonna impress anyone.

june 1

after hours of practice and pain, i think i'm finally ready. gonna tool on down to the biker bar where a lot of bikers, hippies and whores hang out.

june 2

met a hell of a man last night. dude called mountain man. had a great-lookin' bike. that is, till i pulled a beautiful slide, right into him. doctor said my nose will heal but will be a little crooked. but what the hell, it didn't hurt half as much as gettin all those teeth set and having my jaw wired together. biggest fists i've ever seen. better do some work on my tough image.

june 6

beginning to wonder about this biker s!$%. for some reason, the pigs keep hassling me. i'm a law-abiding citizen. that's what i told them too.....just before i got a billyclub in the crotch.

june 10

tried to pick up some snatch tonight. was goin great till i tried to pull a super wheelie. she slid back on the tire and burned her twat off. boy! talk about a grass fire. but one thing for sure, these fingernail scars across my face make me look even tougher than before.

june 25

it's working! boy, i can't believe it. been hangin out at the biker bar and really getting into it. these guys even got one of those nicknames for me. must be that my reputation for being a superstud got around, because when i walk in they say, "here comes that f!$%er again." but a sweller bunch of guys you couldn't meet. for some reason, there really interested in me. ask all kinds of questions.... where i live, what time i go to beddy-by, etc. just tryin to be friendly, i guess. anyhow, i made it. i'm in. i'm a badass biker!!

june 26

someone stole my bike last night.

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