Tips for Tourists

[Quillan]

Her Britannic Majesties Governments notes on Holidaying in France.

 

Author.:  HRH Prince Philip.

 

General Overview.

 

France is a medium sized foreign country situated on the continent of Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though not nearly as important as Great Britian. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller countries of no particular consequence and with not very good shopping facilities.

 

France is a very old country with many treasures such as the Louvre and EuroDisney. Among its contributions to western civilisation are champagne, camembert cheese and the guillotine. Although France likes to think of its self as a modern nation it is next to impossible to get a decent Indian or Chinese meal let alone fish and chips. One continuing exasperation for the British is that the people wilfully persist in speaking French, though many will speak English when shouted at. As in any foreign country watch your change at all times.

 

The People.

 

France has a population of 56 million people, most of whom drink and smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously over sexed and have no concept of standing patiently in a queue. The French people are gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof and undisciplined (unlike us British). Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would hardly guess it from their behaviour. Many are communists too, and topless sunbathing is common.

 

Men sometimes have girl’s names like Marie and kiss each other when they hand out medals.

 

British travellers are advised to travel in groups and to wear flat caps and sandals with black or grey socks for easier mutual recognition.

 

Safety.

 

In general France is a safe destination, though be advised that from time to time it is invaded by Germany. By tradition, however, the French surrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch Whisky and increased difficulty in getting cricket scores, life generally goes on as before.

 

A tunnel connecting France to Britain has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the government to flee to London.

 

History,

 

France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important historical figure are Louis X1V, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau, Edith Piaf and Charles de Gaulle who was president for many years but is now an airport.

 

Government.

 

The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held more or less continuously and always result in a run off. For administrative purposes the country is divided in to regions, departments, districts, municipalities, cantons, communes, villages, cafes, booths and floor tiles.

 

Parliament consists of two chambers whose members are either Gaullists or communists; frankly, neither of them are to be trusted. The governments’ principle preoccupation is setting off atomic bombs in the Pacific and acting indignant when anyone complains.

 

According to current government intelligence the President is somebody named Jacques? Further information is not available at this time.

 

Culture.

 

The French pride themselves on their culture though it is not always easy to see why at times. All their songs sound the same and they have ever hardly ever made a movie that you would want to watch other than for the nude scenes. Nothing is of course more boring than a French novel (except perhaps

[Patmobile]

I've heard that travellers should not drink water from the tap in France, and that the toilets are usually a hole in the floor with raised pads to stand on so your feet don't get wet when the flush goes off, flooding the room. Also there is never any paper, so I believe.

Are these rumours true? And does it take a lot of practice to use the loo with success and dry feet?

Patrick

[Hoddy]

Yes it’s true ! Those strange toilets do need lots of practice. I wish my descriptive powers were good enough to tell you about my encounter with one. Accompanied by the husband of a French friend I said that I couldn’t see how one could use it.

He explained with appropriate gestures, “It all depends what you want. You either go comme ci or comme ca !”

Hoddy

[Ian Hoare<br>All the best<br>Ian<br>La Souvigne Corrèze<br>http:www.souvigne.com]

Hi,

>I've heard that travellers should not drink water from the >tap in France,

Well, in some parts, Brittany especially, there are some pretty high nitrate levels, caused by some far too intensive livestock farming. In most parts, though, the water's fine. The French regard water with deep suspicion, regarding it a poor substitute for wine, to be consumed only for medicinal reasons, which is why they use so much bottled water.

and that the toilets are usually a hole in the floor with raised pads to stand on so your feet don't get wet when the flush goes off, flooding the room. Also there is never any paper, so I believe.

We live in one of the poorest areas in France, and when we arrived, most toilets were of the type we called "squat and let fly". That was 15 years ago. Now, I only know of about two that are left.

Paper? About 95% have paper, I guess. When in doubt, go to a large "hypermarket". They'll always have clean (ish) loos and paper.

>Are these rumours true? And does it take a lot of practice to use the loo with success and dry feet?

Well, one american friend of ours had real difficulty, because she was so overweight and unfit that she couldn't heave her great bulk back up from the flabby squat she had collapsed into. The porblem isn't directing things in the right direction, if you can't do that, you're really pretty inept. The problem comes when you flush. Because the cistern is at high level, the water comes out in the most enthusiastic rush, and because the pull is on the back wall, you have to leap out of the way with indecent haste, or you tend to get your own back - in your shoes.

But as I said, s.a.l.f. loos are almost a thing of the past, though some people do find modern toilets less hygienic.