getting settled in and buying a phone!

[jdp]

This is a practical guide for new arrivals or those intending to emigrate to France:-

 

How to get a telephone fitted to your home

 

 

Firstly, one has to ensure that you purchase a property not quite in the middle of nowhere but fairly remote. If you buy one totally isolated it will result in the early appreciation that any efforts to become connected would be a total waste of time. So within a reasonable travelling distance to civilisation will always maintain your drive through this difficult process as you cling onto the mistaken belief that this process can’t be that difficult. Also make sure it is an old renovated property nestled behind some ruins. If you buy a new property some clever architect will have identified this absence at an early stage. A major plus to discovering that you are without a connection is that the person who renovated the property has fitted a phone and numerous points throughout the house, then the deception is complete, because how many people make a phone call from the house they are viewing?  

 

Secondly, wait till you move in and find out the neighbours have been driven to distraction over the preceding months in their efforts to obtain a phone line. Their desperation being aggravated by the presence of old line connection points the premises. You’re enquiry gives them some relief when they recognise the futility of you’re goal! Your house is 50 yards behind theirs!

 

Thirdly, recognise that France have a form for any situation you can think of! Want to re-paint the house ? Want to build a shed? This requires a visit to the local Marie to submit the relevant forms plus a Casadre (plan) 4 copies required of each. Then wait a month to see if any objects. Failure to comply could leave you even more isolated; they take their procedures very seriously.

 

Fourth, and really quite important is that you should have only a basic grasp of the language, this gives you a couple of advantages. Primarily it provides the opportunity for the sales person at France Telecom to falsely believe that your French is better than his English and supports your mistaken belief that his totally incomprehensible  

response was because your grasp of the French language is better than you thought and that’s why he is speaking to you at full speed. This is essential when you turn up with the wrong documentation. If you want to add that bit of zing to your efforts turn up at lunchtime the staff seems particularly vulnerable and moody. One told me she was tired and as an added bonus a customer stormed off.

 

Fifthly, don’t go anywhere without a copy of an electric bill (Facture) identity document and a RIB. The latter isn’t a gift for the salesperson it’s a small piece of paper at the back of your cheque book. Not your English cheque book but the French one. So you have to open a French Bank Account which was made easier for us by our ever so patient Estate Agents .English Estate agents would have added thousands to the service that Jane, Mike and daughter Amy have provided. The latter has had to bear two early morning trips to the Agent in the local Marie who deals with health care applications failed visits because I didn’t have the RIB.

Don’t plunder your French Account in the same manner as your UK account they don’t tolerate bad credit and can lead to 10yrs of servitude until you’re welcomed back to any French financial institution. So if you have retired here this error could result in an early return to the UK under the realisation that the Grim Reaper is more likely to claim you before you return from the financial wilderness.

 

Six keep going to the same point for France Telecom and the same person because if you don’t the procedure will start again and again and again……

Ring and fax your redrawn picture to France Telecom without any references which will result in an engineer turning out because he is curious rather than anything else, wondering why some Brit is faxing pictures of a quality that you haven’t shown since sending something to Tony Hart. Should have seen the first effort! But Jane refused to send it in case it adversely affected their business!

 

Seven if you’re lucky you’ll get to buy your own telegraph poles! Which is a lot more appealing than the prospect of burrowing up the driveway? The driveway way which has just been flattened out to a reasonably high standard by the French builders who had turned it into a First World War trench complex before your emigration. This did have an advantage of deterring the roving carpet(tapis) salesman from revisiting you again after grounding his Citroen on his first visit. Cheeky bugger wanted 500 euros for a carpet you can buy locally for about 18 euros. My French improved that day!

The need for poles means that you will have to return to France Telecom to order the line, now do you mean? The telephone line? Or the cable? Another test for your French! Hand the beleaguered salesman the telephone details of the engineer because they have to arrange a meeting. Now it takes up to 3 weeks to get the poles without any cable so if you miss the tying of the two ends of the company together then you could well be left with some poles but no prospect of cable for months. So persist politely and ensure you have a dictionary near by.

 

Eight send the estimate (divis) back (2) copies immediately and retain a 3^rd copy plus the back section which you will need when ordering the line with the three essential documents that are as much required as food over here.

 

Ninth as you get up on the appointed day and you push the shutters back you’re confronted by two engineers who don’t understand any English and ask you if they got you up, with a grin. Blearily direct them to the telephone point but more importantly the electricity junction box where the cable lies redundant

 

 

Ten, building work or repairs. When you arrive in Shangri-La you will no doubt either want to renovate your property or have one or two touch up jobs done. All designed to make your ‘Chez Privee’ a little home from home and personalised. All those weeks of planning the move being condensed into a few manic days because of the English system of selling homes does leave one ripe for picking when you finally arrive. Feeling somewhat flush and a bit jaded lures you into a false sense of security and the desire to have someone else do the work for you. Be aware! Remember when you were visiting the Country and on your way back seeing packed vehicles returning to the UK? Ever wondered what had happened, well one reason could be that all their money was quickly drained away in this type of venture. France is awash with expats who are experts in building. Armed with Siret numbers, these are proof that they are registered under French Tax Laws and are duly allowed to do this type of work. Whatever you do always check this explaining to the Gendarmes that you thought the workman was a sound chap and that you didn’t know he or she wasn’t authorised to carry out the work will only result in the same hefty fine. The French do not like foreigners, yes, that’s what we are, working outside the system and if they get wind of any such activity they will pop into their local police station. It’s not tolerated and they don’t hold the same reservations about this as an English person might.

You can check the persons credentials on the internet but you would be well advised to shop around. I didn’t and only just realised in time!

A friend of ours warned us that the area is full of people who have awarded themselves the necessary qualifications on the boat trip over! There are a lot of them former DIY ‘Jack the lads’ who have been run out of the UK by fly on the wall TV and a more active Trading Standards Department. These Del boys operate by claiming they get reductions at source but in actual fact are tripling your bill safe in the knowledge that your language skills don’t give you the confidence to pop into the local supplier to check on the price of the materials which you’ve stumped up for in advance. Also watch for the helpful workman leaving the site with the left over! Mine left with several yards of wiring having been charged several hundred Euros for about enough wire to refit a light socket.

Get to know other Brits in the area especially those who have had work done and find out their experiences, we did and it saved us from our final act of financial suicide.

You’re ever so helpful handyman cannot charge you unless he gives a Devis which you have to accept in writing then it is legally binding.

One not so pleasant character where we live threatened to hand over house keys to local criminals for those who didn’t pay his bills. Or if he was on safer ground he toddled off to the local Gendarmerie to report the first illegal act he became aware of.

Bear in mind that the French drink drive laws are stricter than those in the UK and as tempting as it seems the Gendarmes do Police this issue.

But if you follow a few safety procedures when planning your building work it can only enhance your new home. 

 

Eleven, while you’re driving to and fro from France Telecom remember to drive on the right. Which I found ok until I bought a left hand drive vehicle! For years I’ve been used to right hand drive and mentally I didn’t have to think where the left hand side of the vehicle was but that all changed when I swapped seats. Apart from my wife trying to sit on each other! We got back into same side of our car, having just finished our weekly shopping at Geant. The skill of automatically placing my car on the tarmac left me as I wilted under the complaints from my wife as I drove over grass verges dispersing foliage and dust everywhere, I had to slow down and think about positioning! This doesn’t seem too much of an issue until you get onto the minor roads which are unmarked; because the French believe in the use of their roads and if a vehicle will fit onto it they will use it, cars, articulated vehicles and military convoys. In my first week here I saw a British vehicle buried into the front of a military convoy, thankfully no-one was injured, but in the middle of nowhere don’t just presume that there’s nothing coming round that blind corner. In addition to this is their reluctance to slow down, passing you with the skill and speeds of a fly pass by the Red Arrows in the morning, beware their speed increases after lunch but the line and accuracy is very unnerving.

I was speaking to someone the other day and warned them about speed traps on the N10 and he replied it wasn’t much of a problem because he was on English Plates!

How wrong he is the Gendarmes hang around in gangs so if you want to stand around and admire the crisp smart uniforms which give them the image of the crew of Thunderbirds, while they decide on the shopping list of infractions.Continue withthe mistaken belief that they can’t be bothered with British Vehicles.

 

France is a beautiful place but remember we are guests here and yes we’re the foreigners!    

[Ron Avery]

Some amusing and very true experiences which many can relate to, but probably better posted in another section of the Forum, this one is really for links to other websites to help with living in France. 

[Bassman]

[8-)] We must be really lucky [:)] MOH phoned France Telecom one evening from the UK and within 15 minutes had our new phone number and an appointment for an engineer to come in 2 weeks time when we were next there, he turned up an hour early and checked if it was OK to carry on[8-|] twenty minutes later we had a working phone easy peasy LOL [;-)]