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Hornets... An expert solution.. (also posted in NW forum)


Le Scouse
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I am by no means a hornet expert... but I know a man who is.

I have a "Little" hornet problem.. by little I mean the nest is only the size of a double wardrobe. I came across it one night when I went into a room in our ruin. Its the only room in the whole building with four walls and a door (long story), so it has become our "little room". Whilst it does have four walls, what it doesn't have is a roof, so the view above is of the roofspace. one night I ventured in to answer a call, and took up residence on the portaloo (don't worry, thats as graphic as it gets). I fumbled around looking for loo roll and my torch momentarily shone upwards, which alerted the sentinels around the nest... A nest I was unaware of.

I heard buzzing, looked up and saw two big buzzy things.. then my torch illuminated a creamy coulored tube with an intricate design.. resembling one of those 1970's plastic lampshade that you pieced together yourselves by snapping the folder plastic sails onto the plastic frame. I didn't know what it was, but the buzzing cut short my visit. The next day, I ventured out of the caravan and armed with a rolled up newspaper and a flyswat, climbed up the ladder to our Upstairs (well it would be if we actually had stairs)

I looked into the general area where I recalled seeing the "Thing" and to my horror saw this monstrosity. It looked like an uncooked kebab meat, the kind you see wrapped around a spit in the window ofm a dodgy fast food place.. you know the one I mean.. only considered edible after a crate of stella artois ..

This "thing" was at least four feet tall. As I stood up on the last remaining sound beam of my first floor, the creaking, awoke the beasts within and I hastily retreated, followed by a couple of the blighters who saw me off back toward the caravan.

I steered clear for the remainder of my week, satisfied that natures balance was intact. I had a perfectly good caravan that sleeps three and they had my house, which could easily sleep six (eventually), but was currently sleeping about five million of them. "not to worry.. " I thought.. "plenty of other jobs to do for the next five years.. no great rush to actually inhabit my holiday home..."

Upon my return I went to work and over a crafty bensons at playtime with my pals, I mentioned this horror story. An unlikely hero stepped forward.. A fork lift truck driver (hence highly qualified)...

"tell you what you need to do there mate//" he said, putting out his fag and drawing a long breath for maximum theatrical effect

"Pi55 on them"....

There was a hush.. eyes looked left and right

"Pi55 on them?" I scoffed... "Just how long do you think my little fireman is?"

It turns out that his solution entailed this following process, which I will now lay out for you all in as much detail as I can recall

  • Attack mid-day !!!
  • Take one wooly jumper.. wrap around head
  • Take one pair of ankle boots.. place on feet
  • Take one pair large socks.. place over boots and as far up leg as poss
  • Take one pair of gloves.. place on hands
  • Take one pair of swimming goggles.. cover eyes
  • Take one scarf... wrap around neck and mouth
  • Take one big coat... put it on
  • Take a cup of Pi55 (my own I hope?)... Douse myself with it
  • Take one childs super soaker water gun... Fill it (not with water!!!)
  • Go into lions den (area around hornets nest).. get pumping !!!
  • RUN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Amidst the laughter, I took notes.. I vowed to implement this twelve point plan and see off these fellows... fellows which apparently don't like this being done to them... who would?

Now I never stopped to consider why this would work, or indeed how he knew this.. Moreover I never got round to asking him if there was any particular drink that I should have on the day to produce the best "hornet poison"... What if mine was actually hornet friendly? I decided to avoid honey for a week and to cut down on my sugar-puff intake.

On day one of my next trip, I decided to go for it. My wife is by now immune to my activities.. so seeing me wrapped from head-to-toe like a bad extra from "Doctor Who" was never going to phase her. The biggest problem was wrestling the super soaker from my five year old. After prising it from his tiny fingers, he ran off to mummy, crying. Seconds later she comes around the corner with a sobbing five year old only to be confronted with a scene which will probably haunt the little man for the rest of his life... his dad, dressed like an imbescile, emptying his bladder into the tank of his water gun.. more tears.. muffled apologies from behind my scarf and me trying to explain with body language alone, exactly what I was trying to do. I could not hear her response as I had taken the precaution of plugging my ears with toilet roll.

"Stand Back" I shreiked.. moving slowly toward my prey. My swimming goggles were in another suitcase in the loft, so my eyes were protected by a snorkel mask which was already steaming up. I could hear my heart beating, and each breath was getting shorter and faster.

I climbed up the ladder and adjusted my weapon to "LASER" My thinking was that "WIDE SPRINKLE" might have a broader pattern, but would lack the deadly force required to penetrate the core

I recall getting about three short bursts off into the nest before putting my foot through one of the rotting boards. I fell onto my back and through steamed up goggles began a relentless attack in all directions. Unfortunately, due to me being on my back, most of the ammunition went straight up... and then straight back down on to me. I regained my footing and had another go. I have no idea what effect I was having.. but it felt good !!

Apparently this needs to be repeated daily over a period of a week or so

The next day I decided to go to the beach instead

Doeas anyone know what number I dial for the pompier?

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Funny story... but please don't attack them! Hornets are not dangerous. Scary, yes, but not dangerous. We lived with them in between our floors for a few months last year, weren't able to locate the nest but they came through the chimney space into our living room. Cup-and-glass, evict.

They leave the nest in November and do not return to it the following year.

Hornet stings are no worse than a wasp, and not as dangerous as a bee. They get a bit dozy towards the end of the life cycle, one morning my other half got up, fulfilled normal functions (get up, dress, wee, downstairs, coffee) then sat down at computer and let the cat in. Cat goes in kitchen, knocks butter dish on floor. He kneels on kitchen floor to sweep up mess. Hornet crawls up his trouser leg and stings 3 times. He comes upstairs shouting and showing me his bottom. A couple of Nurofen later and all was OK.

All you ever needed to know about hornets:
http://www.muenster.org/hornissenschutz/hornets.htm

Jo

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