oliveau Posted May 28, 2007 Author Share Posted May 28, 2007 ...........'Have you got a bulb to fit this torch please?''Madame, I fear you are a little, 'ow do you Anglais say, discombobulated, ce matin. This is not a torch, this is a 'personal' item the like of which I 'ave never seen before. I must just show it to my amante Lili Loosenickers, 'oo will no doubt be able to use it for........ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
opas Posted May 28, 2007 Share Posted May 28, 2007 a dibber to put the seedlings in her garden........meanwhile Madame was embarassed to say the least but also anoyed that she would have to make a return visit with her curling tongs, and since everywhere had stopped giving out carrier bags she would have to find somewhere discreet for her "personal" item for the walk home! i know she thought......... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrCanary Posted May 28, 2007 Share Posted May 28, 2007 ..........I know, she thought, I will pop into the Tabac and buy a gift box of suitable dimensions, wrap it and then across the road to La Poste and mail it to myself! Unfortunately, as she closed the box, she inadvertently switched it on. Because of her tinnitus, she did not notice the sound coming from within. It was only after arriving home, she suddenly realised why the box had been slowly making its way across the counter in La Poste whilst she had fudged in her bag for some money. She went red with embarrassment at the thought of it.The very next day, she looked out of her window and saw Postman Pierre coming to her front door. "Bonjour," he said in fluent French, "I have a very strange thing going on.......................... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chirpy Posted May 28, 2007 Share Posted May 28, 2007 ..that sounds like a vibrating sound but as i am oing deaf i thought i should tell you in case someoe has sent you something dangerous!!!!!!!!!!"oh no" she said very quickly"-I could it is my battery operated alarm clock which I take on my holidays -as i would be lost without it as it was a present from my dear departed husband".She sobbed and cried .Postman Pierre pulled out his..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oliveau Posted May 29, 2007 Author Share Posted May 29, 2007 ......pen, and told Enid that she had to sign for the package. He lingered, hoping for a.......... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chirpy Posted May 29, 2007 Share Posted May 29, 2007 ..for a quick look at her cadeau.---but she turned and ran into the house ,opened the bedroom door and opened.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oliveau Posted May 30, 2007 Author Share Posted May 30, 2007 .......a pot of home made strawberry jam that her sister, Winnie, had sent her from England. Down at the school, the headmistress Mlle Coqamant was showing the older boys how to............ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrCanary Posted May 30, 2007 Share Posted May 30, 2007 ........understand the problems faced by the girls in the class on a monthly basis and why at these times it is best not to tease them too much."I know all about that," said Bertrand, the son of a local dairy farmer, "I witnessed my father getting a huge ear-bashing from my mother when he............. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chirpy Posted May 30, 2007 Share Posted May 30, 2007 ..tried to see what she was doing-but eventually she told him.. she was counting her savings and looking at her... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
opas Posted May 30, 2007 Share Posted May 30, 2007 Collection of quimper pottery. The Headteacher was rather pleased to hear........ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chirpy Posted May 30, 2007 Share Posted May 30, 2007 ..she had still kept collecting pottery and other strange instuments since she left the sixth form.However ,he did not like her craving for..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oliveau Posted May 30, 2007 Author Share Posted May 30, 2007 .........Pont l'Eveque that had been ripened by burying it in a sack in the midden for a month. The Gendarme, however, was known to have even stranger cravings, which were only whispered about in the bar after several glasses of Marcel's home made absinthe, but in brief........... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chirpy Posted June 1, 2007 Share Posted June 1, 2007 ..he longed to join the police force in London so he could visit the sights as he had heard a lot about the sights in Soho and the surrounding areas--he wished to make love to an English woman who would wisper in his ear...I will only say this once..................... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oliveau Posted June 1, 2007 Author Share Posted June 1, 2007 in his ear....... and make him bacon and egg sandwiches. He had once confided this to Mlle Lafarge in a moment of weakness, and she was revolted. A bacon and egg sandwich she could understand, but making love to an English woman, why sacre bleu, toute le monde knows that English women are frigid! French women on the other hand............ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chirpy Posted June 1, 2007 Share Posted June 1, 2007 ..amourous as a mating rabbit--vivre la France -vivre la diffrerence --je t'aime le petit lapin....but that is wishfull thinking the wife has arrived with her chopping knife and i must........... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
powerdesal Posted June 1, 2007 Share Posted June 1, 2007 quickly go to my garden workshop and consider how to wood clad the water butts whilst drooling about the delectable Sophie next door who is presently sunbathing wearing nothing but........ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chirpy Posted June 1, 2007 Share Posted June 1, 2007 .....a smile.........................................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!........................... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
powerdesal Posted June 1, 2007 Share Posted June 1, 2007 and a welders apron, size 8 welly boots and a souwester, it was obvious she was about to...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oliveau Posted June 1, 2007 Author Share Posted June 1, 2007 ......make boudin noir, boudin blanc and other delights. But first she had to kill the pig, and in this she made a fatal error by enlisting the help of the neighbouring farmer, Vincent Le Boeuf, who had on such occasions been known to............ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Athene Posted June 3, 2007 Share Posted June 3, 2007 Vincent Le Boeuf, who had on such occasions been known to demand payment in kind! Yes he was not averse to... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oliveau Posted June 3, 2007 Author Share Posted June 3, 2007 ............taking what ever the lovely Sophie offered to him. Trotters were his favourite, and should she offer them in payment then he would.......... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Athene Posted June 3, 2007 Share Posted June 3, 2007 harness up her 'trotter' or trotting pony to his carriage and away they would go to the darkest of the dark woods, whilst Mde Le Boeuf sharpened her carving knife and with a knowing grimace got ready to... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oliveau Posted June 3, 2007 Author Share Posted June 3, 2007 .........empty the mouse traps. Meanwhile at the fromagerie Mme Yvette Camembert was getting more annd more distraught. She hadn't had her chimney swept since her beloved Henri had died suddenly three years previously, and he had made a point of sweeping her chimney every Sunday afternoon since they had married tweny-five years earlier. Now the urge to have her chimney swept was occupying every waking hour; she had tried doing it herself, and although the result was mildly satisfying, it wasn't like having herchimney swept by a real man. As she lay alone in bed at night she would fantasise about which of the village men would sweep her chimney for her - There was her neighbour's son, but he still lived with his maman despite being 35, and Yvette doubted that he had ever swept a chimney in his life, and then there was the lovely Roland from the tabac, but Yvette knew that already he was sweeping the chimneys of three other widows in the village. Rumour had it that there was a young man in the next village who swept chimneys for a living, but rumour also said that he was very quick, and only gave the chimneys a perfunctory prod with his rod and brush, and besides, Yvette had no intention of paying to have her chimney swept. Yvette was a woman who knew what she wanted, and she wanted a good strong man like her Henri who would take his time sweeping her chimney, and would make sure that the brush went right to the top of the chimney - she remembered vividly how Henri would make those final hard thrusts as his brush hit the top of the chimney. Finally Yvette thought of the anglais who had just arrived in the village - now he looked as though he knew how to sweep chimneys, so she........... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
opas Posted June 3, 2007 Share Posted June 3, 2007 Went to her potager with her truckle, filled it with cherries, salad and onions and then deliberatly broke the lock on the hen house door......she would make friends with his wife first , tell her of her problem . Everyone knows how henpecked these englishmen are and if the rumours about the english women really were true then.......... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrCanary Posted June 4, 2007 Share Posted June 4, 2007 ......it would be just a matter of time before the English woman's husband was bristling with pleasure at the thought of sweeping this lovely French woman off her feet with his deft thrusting.But the English woman was having none of this, she could see that this new friendship was just a way of getting into her husband's tool-box. So, being a bit smart, she planned a double-entendre approach. This was her devious plan...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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