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One liners


cajal
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(Heckler put down)

Where’s your girlfriend? Outside grazing, I presume. (Jo Brand)

I once went out with an Irish Catholic girl. Very frustrating. You can take the girl out of Cork. (Jimmy Carr}

One day my father took me aside and left me there. (Jackie Vernon)

I was not a particularly small child. I was the one who always got picked to play Bethlehem in the school nativity. (Jo Brand)

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing (Emo Philips)

If you want to know what Slough was like in the 1970s? Go there now. (Jimmy Carr)

If you look like your passport photo, you’re too ill to travel (Will Kommen)

How do you know if it’s time to wash the dishes and clean your house? Look inside your pants. If you find a penis

in there, it’s not time. (Jo Brand)

I don’t believe in astrology. I’m a Sagittarian, and we’re sceptical (Arthur C. Clark)

Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair. (George Burns)

I’m not being condescending, I’m too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn’t understand. (Jimmy Carr)

I won’t say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. (Lenny Bruce)

I always play country music backwards. Your lover returns, your dog comes back and you cease to be an alcoholic. (Linda Smith)

I love flying. I’ve been to almost as many places as my luggage. (Bob Hope)

Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream? (Homer Simpson)

I'll tell you what makes my blood boil – crematoriums. (Tim Vine)

My daughter wanted some trainers. I said, you’re eleven. Go to Taiwan and make some. (Jeremy Hardy)

I took my husband to the hospital yesterday to have 17 stitches out. That’ll teach him to buy me a sewing kit for my birthday. (Jo Brand)

His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork! (Mae West)

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes, she's a tramp. (Joan Rivers)

The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest! (Roseanne Barr)

Do you know how many middle-aged men go out for a pint of milk and never come home? Not enough! (Jenny Eclair)

My boyfriend had a sex manual but he was dyslexic. I was lying there and he was looking for my vinegar. (Victoria Wood)

My husband can do the work of two men. Unfortunately, those men are Laurel and Hardy. (Jo Brand)

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