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Dave&Olive
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OPENING CEREMONY

The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb

thrown into the arena by a native of the Tottenham area of the City,

wearing the traditional costume of balaclava and shell suit.

THE EVENTS

In

previous Olympics London’s competitors have not been particularly

successful. In order to redress the balance some of the events have been

altered slightly to the advantage of the local athletes:

100 METRES SPRINT

Competitors

will have to hold a video recorder and a microwave oven (one under each

arm) and on the sound of a starting pistol a police dog will be

released 10 metres behind the athletes.

110 METRES HURDLES

As above but with added obstacles, ie car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences, walls etc.

HAMMER

The

competitors will be allowed to make a choice of hammer, (Claw, Sledge

etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily

harm to members of the public within their allotted time.

WEIGHTLIFTING

From

a standing position competitors will have various electronic goods

placed in their arms. In order to complete a lift these must then be

taken through the shop door and placed in a mate’s van.

FENCING

Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen jewellery as possible within five minutes.

SHOOTING

A

series of targets will be set up to establish the competitor’s ability

over a range of disciplines The targets to be as follows: 1 - A Moving

Police Van 2 - A Post Office Clerk 3 - A Bank Teller or Securicor Driver

4 - Their next door neighbours youngest child NB - This target to be

followed by the ritual cry of ’I thought he was Old Bill’ or ’He pulled a

knife on me’.

BOXING

Entry to be restricted to husband and

wife teams and will take place on every Friday and Saturday night of the

games. The husband will be give 15 pints of Stella and the wife will be

told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then

commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS

Competitors will be asked to

break into the City University bike shed and take an expensive mountain

bike owned by some Mummy’s Boy from the country on his first trip away

from home - Against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT

As above however this time the break in must occur at Fulham Police Station and must be witnessed by an officer.

TIME TRIAL

The competitor who can waste the most of the court’s valuable time before being found guilty will be adjudged the winner.

MODERN PENTATHLON

Amended to include mugging, breaking & entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.

THE MARATHON

A

safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued

with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up dog [doo-doo], crisp

packets and used hypodermic syringes on their way round.

MEN’S 50Km WALK

Q - Why does the Thames run through London?

A - Because if it walked it would get mugged. Therefore for safety reasons this event has been cancelled.

RELAY

Each

of four competitors to remove an appliance of their choice from a house

in Hertfordshire and get it back to London using at least four

different stolen cars.

ARCHERY

Each competitor will be given

three needles, the winner will be the person who gets nearest to three

different main veins in their own body.

DISCUS

Will be decided

by which contestant can get a hubcap off a car and throw it to his mate

the fastest. In addition the following ’exhibition events’ designed at

promoting the local culture will be introduced.

PILLOW EATING

The

contestant who can get the most pillow in their mouth after their 18

stone cellmate takes a shine to them will be adjudged the winner.

GRAFFITI

To

be decided on who can spray the most obscenities on a neighbour’s wall

in five minutes - NB In order not to disadvantage local competitors

marks will not be deducted for misspelling.

BASEBALL

Each competitor to be given a stainless steel baseball bat. Last person standing wins.

CLOSING CEREMONY

In

an attempt to capture the timeless beauty of London, competitors from

every nation will be chased across Regents Park by Knife wielding

locals.

They will then scatter to the four corners of the City to

find their car aerial ripped off, driver side window broken and stereo

liberated, with no sign of the lad who charged 50p ’to look after their

motor’.

Their assailants will return to the park providing a riot

of colour and sound as their shell suits converge. The Olympic flame

(if still in place) will be extinguished by eight chavs forming a circle

and pi##ing on it.

The closing speech will consist of the words

’Every [rooster]ney's a natural comedian you know’ . No-one will laugh.

Each visitor will be hugged on exiting the stadium and will return home

to find their wallet missing.
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Sometime this year,  we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.    

This is indeed a very exciting program,  and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

 

 

Q.  What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?

 

A.  It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.

 

 

Q..  Where will the government get this money ?

 

A.  From taxpayers.

 

 

Q.  So the government is giving me back my own money ?

 

A.  Only a smidgen of it.

 

 

Q.  What is the purpose of this payment ?

 

A.  The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set,  thus stimulating the economy.

 

 

Q.  But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

 

A.  Shut up.

 

 

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. economy by spending your stimulus cheque wisely:        

 

 

          

*  If you spend the stimulus money at Asda or Tesco,  the money will go to China, Taiwan or Sri Lanka .

 

 

*  If you spend it on petrol,  your money will go to the Arabs.

 

 

*  If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or  China .  

 

      

 

*  If you purchase fruit and vegetables,  it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala ..

 

        

*  If you buy an efficient  car,  it will go to Japan or Korea .

 

    

*  If  you purchase useless stuff,  it will go to Taiwan .

 

    

 

*  If you pay your credit cards off, or buy shares,  it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

 

 

Instead,  keep the money in the UK by:

 

 

1)  Spending it at car boot sales,  or      

 

2)  Going to night clubs,  or    

 

3)  Spending it on prostitutes,  or      

 

4)  Beer or whisky or      

 

5) Tattoos.

 

 

(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. )

Conclusion:

 

Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night !

 

No need to thank me,  I'm just glad I could be of help.

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A Heart-Warming Story

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.

Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman...

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.

I think it might have been those bast ards at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna

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                 Two Muslim Mothers Chatting.

 

Two Muslim mothers are sitting in a café chatting over a plate of sheep’s eyes and a pint of goat’s milk.

The older of the two mothers pulls out a small book from her purse and starts flipping through the photos and start reminiscing.

“This is my oldest son Mohammad,” she tells her friend, “he would be 21 years old now.”

“Yes, I remember him as a baby.” Says the other mother quite cheerfully.

“He’s a martyr now though,” the mother confides.

“Oh it’s so sad says the other.

“And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 18.”

“Oh, I remember him,” says the other happily.

“He had such curly hair when he was born.”

“He’s a martyr too,” says the mother quietly.

“Oh gracious me,”…..said the other.

“And this is my third son, my baby, my beautiful Ahmed.”

“He would have been 16,” she whispered.

“Yes,” said the friend enthusiastically, “I remember when he first started school.”

“He’s a martyr too” says the mother with tears in her eyes.

After a long pause and a deep sigh, the second muslim mother looks wistfully at the photograph and, searching for the right words, say,

 

 

 

“They blow up so fast nowadays, don’t they?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 








 

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Mugabe dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St.

Peter tells him that he is not on the list and he does not

belong in heaven. Mugabe must go to hell. So Mugabe goes to

hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him

to make himself at home. Then Mugabe notices that he left

his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who says "No problem,

I'll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff."

When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are

locked St.Peter is having lunch - and they start debating

what to do. Finally one comes up with the idea that they

should go over the wall and get the luggage. As they are

climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one

angel says to the other, "My Lord, look at that! Mugabe has

been in hell no more than ten minutes and we're already

getting refugees!"

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I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was
a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.
She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'

I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do
you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet.
'Best before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said
'No, just a watch.'

I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke
said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said,
'You've got cholera.'

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name,
its P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it
down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just
went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work?
I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said,
'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for
the custard.'

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?'
I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
anything.'

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip
outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes
first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd
been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to
say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me
managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and
asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's so tiny: you couldn't swing a
cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two
counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I
said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or
Thursdays.'

I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?'
He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'

A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies.
'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing
special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'

 

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The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a "more humane" solution to this issue. What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again. This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U.S. Forest Service. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally an old fellow wearing a big cowboy hat in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said; "Son, I don't think you understand our problem here... these coyotes ain't f***in' our sheep... they're eatin' 'em!" The meeting never really got back to order. . .
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A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand.There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.


Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."

"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"


"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? "Did you steal it?"


"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flowerbeds!" "So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someonesticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"


"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?" "Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay".

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UK CLASSIFIED ADS

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.

8 years old.

Hateful little bastard.

Bites!

FREE PUPPIES.

1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.

Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.

Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.

Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY
!

Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .

Worn once by mistake.

Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.

Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.

Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.

No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

 

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FIRST TIME SEX  
  

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. 
 

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.   


  
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the  pharmacist it's his first time, and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. 

  
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.  The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. 


  
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" 


  
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.  
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 

 
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. 

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.' 

    
The boy turns, and whispers back, 

'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.' 

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Three men -

a Canadian farmer,

Osama bin Laden

and a Biker

Are all walking together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians

can come into our precious land.'

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Biker says, 'I am very curious.

Please tell me more about this wall.'

The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out;

it's virtually impenetrable.'

The Biker sits down on his Harley,

cracks a beer,

lights a cigar,

smiles and says,

'Fill it with water.'

.
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The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits. From next week, all the forms will be printed in English.

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said ‘English speaking Doctor’ - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country?'

A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with eBay. He claims that the Wii
GameBoy he received isn't what he was expecting.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.

Just heard there was an explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield.
3.1415927 dead

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused
permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.

A spokesman for the channel said....
'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but
we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'


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It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and

one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad

day on the day they died.

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man,

"Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I

was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her

with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him

anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and

found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside,

got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some

bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and

it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I

died from."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it

was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in

line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second

man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment

when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the

balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started

pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes.

But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really

start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?” he said to

the third man in line. "OK, picture this; I'm naked, hiding inside a

refrigerator...."

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A woman and her ten-year-old son were  riding in a taxi in Montreal.

 It  was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.  
  
"Mom" said the boy "what are all those women doing?"  
  
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work" she replied.  
  
The  taxi driver turns around and says "Geez lady, why don't you tell  him  the truth?

They're  hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money.."  
  
The  little boy's eyes get wide and he says "Is that true Mom?"  
  
His  mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.  
  
After a few minutes, the kid asks "Mom, what happens to the babies  those  women have?" 
  
"Most of them become taxi drivers" she said.


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Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check,addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6.. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement
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  • 3 weeks later...
Genius!!

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said,

"I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear,"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone:"May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

"We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said,"F... You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

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A group of 35 year old buddies discuss where they should meet for dinner. They agree that they should meet at Gasthaus Gutenberger restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.

 

10 years later, at 45 years of age, the group meets again and discusses where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

 

10 years later at 55 years of age, the group meets again and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

 

10 years later, at 65 years of age, the group meets again and again they discuss where they should meet. It is agreed that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

 

10 years later, at 75 years of age, the group meets again and agree that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.

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  • 2 weeks later...
The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather

dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early

fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked..

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would

prefer someone else", said the madam.

"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000

a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds

and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man

calmly left..

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see

Valerie..

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row,

as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still

£5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went

upsta irs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded

that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and

they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been

with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, " Edinburgh ."

"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh .."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I was

instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person..."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain------

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer

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often wondered where all the time went in a day!!!

 


 

 

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -- Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.


This is how it manifests itself:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I head towards the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I picked up from the postman earlier.

I decide to go through it before I wash the car.

I put my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the recycling box under the table,
and notice that the recycling box is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the recycling first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the recycling paper anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque book off the table and notice that there is only one cheque left.

My extra cheques are in the desk in my study, so I go into the house to my desk where
I find the cup of coffee I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my cheques
but first I need to push the coffee aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The coffee is getting cold,
and I decide to make another cup..

As I head toward the kitchen with the cold coffee,
a vase of flowers on the worktop catches my eye - the flowers need water.

I put the coffee on the worktop and
discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers..

I put the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote control. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I put the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

The car isn't washed,

The bills aren't paid,

There is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the kitchen work-surface,

The flowers don't have enough water,

There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all bloody day and I'm really tired.

I realise this is a serious problem,
and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.....

Do me a favour. Forward this message to everyone you know,
because I can't remember who the hell I've sent it to.

Don't laugh - if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!


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My Dear husband:

I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you. I've been a good wife to you for the last 20 years and I have nothing to show for it and the last 2 weeks have been hell.. Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today, which was the last straw.

Last week, you came home & you didn't even notice I had a new hairstyle, had cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new nightie. You ate in 2 minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching your TV soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your Ex-Wife.

Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER & I are moving to Invercargill together! Have a great life!

And the Reply

Dear Ex-wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It's true you and I have been married for 20 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been.

I watch TV soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & bitching. Too bad that doesn't work.

I DID notice when you got a hair do last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a boy!' Since my father raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.

And when you cooked my favourite meal, you must have got me confused with MY BROTHER because I haven't eaten pork for 7 years.

About the new nightie: I turned away from you because the £49.99 price tag was still on it, and I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed £50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out. So when I won the £10million Lottery, on Saturday, I left my job and bought 2 tickets for us to the Caribbean, but when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a penny from me.

So take care.

Signed,

Your Ex-Husband, Rich As Hell and Free!

PS. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born Carla.

I hope that's not a problem.
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 Yesterday I was at my local Tesco store buying a large bag of Dogmore dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
  

What did she think I had? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dogmore Diet again.   I added that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
  
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.   I told her no,

 

 

 

 

 

                                                                                                                                                                        I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit us both. 
   
 
  
I'm now banned from Tesco.

Better watch what you ask retired people.

They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

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One for St Patrick's day!!

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all
been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day,
they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their
first legal drink.

So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a
boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat
...and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross
the lake like me father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said,
"Because yer father, yer grandfather and yer great-grandfather were all
born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August,
ya  eejit!"


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Never Argue with a Woman ....[:D]

One morning a Husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, his Wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, cuts the engine, anchors, puts her feet up and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude is wonderful.

Along comes a Fish & Game Warden in his boat.  He pulls up alongside and says "Good morning Ma'am, what are you doing?"

"Reading a book" she replies (thinking, "isn't that obvious?)

"But you're in a restricted fishing area" he informs her.

"Well, sorry Officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading".

"Yes, but I see you have all the equipment" he says, "and for all I know could start at any moment".  "I'll have to take you in and write this up".

"Well, if you do that, I'll have to report you for sexual assault" says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you" says the fishing Warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment and for all I  know you could start at any moment" she said.

"Have a nice day Ma'am" he said as he left.

MORAL :  NEVER  argue with a woman who reads - it's likely she can also think !!  

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In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful 'Microsoft Error Messages' with Haiku poetry messages.

Your file was so big.

It might be very useful.

But now it is gone.

-------------------------------------------

The Web site you seek

cannot be located. But

countless more exist.

--------------------------------------------

Chaos reigns within.

Reflect, repent, and reboot.

Order shall return.

-----------------------------------------------

Program aborting:

Close all that you have worked on.

You asked for far too much.

------------------------------------------------

Windows NT crashed.

I am the Blue Screen of Death.

No one hears your screams.

-------------------------------------------------

Yesterday it worked.

Today it is not working.

Windows is like that.

-------------------------------------------------

First snow, then silence.

This thousand-dollar screen dies

so beautifully.

-------------------------------------------------

With searching comes loss

And the presence of absence:

"My Novel" not found.

-------------------------------------------------

The Tao that is seen

is not the true Tao-until

you bring fresh toner.

-------------------------------------------------

Stay the patient course.

Of little worth is your ire.

The network is down.

-------------------------------------------------

A crash reduces

your expensive computer

to a simple stone.

-------------------------------------------------

Three things are certain:

Death, taxes and lost data.

Guess which has occurred.

-------------------------------------------------

You step in the stream,

But the water has moved on.

This page is not here.

-------------------------------------------------

Out of memory.

We wish to hold the whole sky,

But we never will.

-------------------------------------------------

Having been erased,

The document you're seeking

must now be re-typed.

-------------------------------------------------

Serious error.

All shortcuts have disappeared.

Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

-------------------------------------------------

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