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Dave&Olive
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An

engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his

dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell.

It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied

with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build

improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush

toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan and says with a sneer: So, how are things in Hell?

Satan replies: Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning,

flush toilets, and escalators. And there's no telling what this

engineer is going to come up with

next.

What! God exclaims: You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me.

Not a chance, Satan replies, I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him!

God insists: Send him back or I'll sue!

Satan laughs uproariously and answers:

Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?
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  • 3 weeks later...
An elderly farmer was in the Emergency Ward having stitches put in his hand, due to an accident with a piece of machinery.

The doctor carrying out the procedure struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Politicians and their role as our leaders.

The old farmer said, "Well, you know, most Politicians are 'Post Tortoises'.''

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'Post Tortoise' was?

The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise."

The old farmer, seeing the puzzled look on the doctor's face, continued to explain.

"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's  elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumbass put him up there to begin with."
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  • 2 weeks later...

on: “Dad, we’re learning about prisms at school. They’re fascinating.”

Dad: “That’s good son, because as a dyslexic black boy, you’re bound to end up in one.”

..................................................................................................................................................................................................

Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical.

A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar diabetes.”

Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”

...................................................................................................................................................................................................

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey.

But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.


....................................................................................................................................................................................................

 

A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD.

Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy. Well, that’s when it all kicked off!

 

................................................................................................................................................................................................

 

Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself.

He puts the gun to his head, looks at his Wife and says "Don't laugh, you're next!!"

 

................................................................................................................................................................................................

 

An Irishmen wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said

"You must answer 3 questions on the Bible".

"1st - Who was born in a stable?"   "Red Rum" he replied

"2nd - What do you think of Damascus?"  "It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.

"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive ?"  "That’s easy" he said

"Popeye kicked the sh*t out of them!!"

...............................................................................................................................................................................................

Little boy gets home from school and says

"Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."

His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"

..................................................................................................................................................................................................

Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.

Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too."

Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"

3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"

"No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday!!

...............................................................................................................................................................................................

A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"

The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".

.......................................................................................................................................................................

In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just b*******d a 14 year old escort".

The police still haven't seen the funny side, my laptop's been confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mother.

...............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

 

Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs.

Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.

Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum"

 

..........................................................................................................................................................................................

 

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."

....................................................................................................................................................................................................

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"

.................................................................................................................................................................................................

The last is always best

Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"

Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

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Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking... 

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Well done, son!  Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."  

And they did.

"Now we eat everybody."  And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?   Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you scare the $**t out of them first!

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A German guy approaches a lady of the night.

'I vish to buy sex viz you.'


'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge
£20 an hour.'

'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'


'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'


So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.


'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'


The girl finds this  most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.


'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'


She duly does this, balancing precariously on the  springs.


'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'


She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.)
She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.
The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,


'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position?'



'Ah,' says the German . . 'zat is  ze....
Four-sprung  Duck technique'

 
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Letter from Channel 4

Dear Sir.

On behalf of Channel 4 Television, may I thank you for your application

submitted on behalf of your wife for our new reality show. Also, thank

you for the charming photograph of her that you enclosed.

Whilst agreeing that she could make a worthy contribution to the

programme if selected, I would like to point out that the correct title

of the series is actually “Fact Hunt”.

Kind regards.....
 
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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 3 weeks later...
Just a few thoughts.....

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

And the all-time favorite -

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
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  • 3 weeks later...
The  teacher asked her class to write down on a piece of paper the type of work their daddies did.

 


 
 


The  children, very excitedly, scribbled their answers.

One by one, the  teacher asked each child to stand and describe the job.

There was  much laughter and screaming, that is apart from little Tommy.

“Tommy,  why do you look so sad?” asked the teacher.

Tommy slowly rose to his  feet, and replied: “My Dad’s a stripper in a gay bar.”

The other  children remained silent, as Tommy continued.

“Sometimes, he doesn’t  come home, and my Mummy sits crying.

Sometimes,  he sells his body for other men’s pleasure.”

There were gasps around  the classroom.

The  teacher acted quickly and dismissed the children, telling them to go out and  play.

She then walked up to little Tommy, put her arm around his  shoulders, and asked: “Is all that true, Tommy?”

 

 

 



“No, Miss. He really plays cricket for England, but I was too embarrassed to  say.”

 

 

 
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My cousin, children and his wife have been sitting upstairs in their

Somerset home, totally cut off from the outside world, with the

downstairs flooded for the last five weeks.

Today the Red Cross pulled up outside in a boat.

"Thank God!" he shouted. "Have you come to save us?"

"No," they replied. "We're collecting donations for Syria."

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  • 1 month later...
A late night phone call to the vet

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbours' male dog while the neighbours were on holiday.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

She explained the problem to him, and the vet said,

"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing should make the male lose

his erection and he will withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me," he replied.
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  • 4 weeks later...
Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the 'back and beyond'.

As I was not familiar with the 'sticks', I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt bad and apologised to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played Amazing Grace, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
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  • 1 month later...
Why did the British wear red coats in battle?

During the recent royal wedding,the millions around the world saw that Prince William . . . . .

chose to wear a uniform that included the famous British "red coat."

Many people have asked, "Why did the British wear red coats in battle?"

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured a British Colonel. They took him to their headquarters and the French General began to question him.

Finally, as an afterthought, the French General asked, "Why do you British officers all wear red coats?

Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

In his casual, matter-of-fact, way, the officer informed the General that the reason British officers wear red coats is so that if they are wounded, the blood won't show, and the men they are leading won't panic.

And that is why, from that day forward

.

.

.

.

.

.

French Army officers wear brown trousers . . . . . . . !!
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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 1 month later...

1. Rob Auton - "I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."

2. Alex Horne - "I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying."

3. Alfie Moore - "I'm in a same-sex marriage... the sex is always the same."

4. Tim Vine - "My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'."

5. Gary Delaney - "I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell."

6. Phil Wang - "The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being replaced by white men."

7. Marcus Brigstocke - "You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost."

8. Liam Williams - "The universe implodes. No matter."

9. Bobby Mair - "I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance."

10. Chris Coltrane - "The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately."

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  • 3 weeks later...
The 1st Affair

A married man is having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes

outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.. We had sex all

afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying [nice chap]!

You've been playing golf!'

------------------------------------------

 The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked

about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The

wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was

horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!

Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'

------------------------------------------

 The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated and made a

startling discovery.  Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever

seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you

to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for

posterity.'

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife,

opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'

----------------------------------------------

 The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover When she heard her husband opening

the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum

powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room..

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it

so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2.00am. the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned

with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two

days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing..'

---------------------------------------------

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed...

He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak

and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.

'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:

'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing

to his business down here.'

--------------------------------------------------------

 The 6th & Best Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:

'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,

'I want to die in peace.. I slept with your sister, your best

friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.

'Now just rest and let the poison work.'
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  • 3 weeks later...
Irish hunters

Paddy & Mick flew to Canada for an adventure.

They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.

They managed to shoot 6. Loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

The plane took off.

However, while attempting to cross some mountains even on full power the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.

Miraculously, surrounded by moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

Climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
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Got a text saying: "Congratulations you have won either

£1000

cash or tickets to see Elvis Presley.

Press 1 for the

money, 2 for the

show.......

A man

walks into a crowded bar with a loaded gun and shouts

"who's

been making love to my wife?" - voice in the back shouts "

You don't

have enough

bullets".....

My wife

is suffering from depression. She phoned me the other

day and

said "I feel like jumping in front of a bus and you're

not

doing anything to help".

So I sent her a

timetable.

  I

cannot stand people who think they're worse off than everybody

else.

My mate Don is brilliant. He had a bad accident where he

lost his

voice and both legs.    Does he make a

song and dance about it?

Does he

hell!

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Some of the finalists for funniest joke of the Fringe Festival 2014

  1. "I've decided to sell my Hoover... well, it was just collecting dust" - Tim Vine.
  2. "I've written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn't fit it into my set" - Masai Graham.
  3. "Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost his job in disaster relief" - Mark Watson.
  4. "I was given some Sudoku toilet paper. It didn't work. You could only fill it in with number ones and number twos" - Bec Hill.
  5. "I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn't let me" - Ria Lina.
  6. "Money can't buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal" - Paul F Taylor.
  7. "Scotland had oil, but it's running out thanks to all that deep frying" - Scott Capurro.
  8. "I've been married for 10 years, I haven't made a decision for seven" - Jason Cook.
  9. "This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it" - Felicity Ward.
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