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Dave&Olive
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Noah has loaded his family and all the animals into the ark just in time, and off they float as the waters rise around them. They have plenty of food so things go well until they realise that they have not made plans for the waste the animals produce.

After weeks of bouncing around in the stormy flood water, the sons come to Noah and tell him something has to be done urgently. There is so much dung that the ark is in danger of sinking. So Noah tells them to chuck the tons of piled up muck over the side. It takes them a while but eventually they have managed to dump all the accumulated shit in the water.

It was not seen again until 1492 when Columbus came along and discovered it.
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THE FIRST OLYMPICS JOKE

(but definitely not the last)

 

It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London .

 

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't got tickets.

 

The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate.

"McTavish, Scotland " he says, "Discus" and in he walks.

 

The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder.

"Waddington-Smythe, England " he says, "Pole vault" and in he walks.

 

The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm. "O'Malley, Ireland, - Fencing."

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Why Parents Drink

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? '

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, ' No .'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?' ' Yes '

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No '

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

' Yes , ' whispered the child, ' a policeman . '

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

' Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered,

' The search team just landed a helicopter '

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

' ME . '

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  • 2 weeks later...

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table; asked him something in French (which Murphy couldn't understand); so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.

They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner..... after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

To this day, Murphy has no idea how she worked out he was in the furniture business.

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An American, a Frenchman and an Englishman are about to have one last wish granted before they arrive at the Purley Gates.

The American : My wish is for my country to be safe and free from any bad ideology and I want an army to fight against these malefic ideologies and keep my country free.

The Frenchman : I too want my country to be safe so I'd like a wall built right around it. The entire perimeter of the Hexagon. Stop all these illegal immigrants and all the rosbifs that pay no taxes to my country.

The Englishman thinks for a moment and asks the purveyor of wishes : 'How tall is that wall the Frenchman wants around his country?' The purveyor of wishes tells him that it will be a good 12 feet tall to stop illegal immigrants jumping over it. So a few more moments of thought pass and the Englishman decides : 'OK that is my wish : Make sure the wall is water tight and fill up that vast pool with water so I can have a nice swim !' 

 

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Into a pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
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The European Union has reached agreement whereby English will be the new official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government concede that English spelling has some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking ze German like zey vunted forst av al . . .
 

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Catholic Horses

 A punter was at the horse races playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt.
He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

 Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race..

Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track.

Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.

The punter made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse.  Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race.

He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.

He bet big on it, and it won.

As the races continued the Priest kept blessing long shots,

and each one ended up winning.

The punter was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.

This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The punter knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was.

Confronting Him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened?

All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost my life savings!'.

The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.

'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'  
 

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I would like to share an experience with you.  It has to do with drinking and driving.

As you know some of us have had brushes with the authorities on our way home in recent years.  
Well I, for one, have done something about it.

 

The other night I was out for a dinner and had a few drinks -- and having far too much vino, and knowing full well I was wasted, I did something I had never done before.   I took a bus home.

 

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, since I have never driven a bus before.

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A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge Heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral....I'm a gynecologist".

The proctologist fainted. [+o(]
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A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge Heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral....I'm a gynecologist".

The proctologist fainted. [+o(]

Edit; sorry double posting.

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[quote user="britgirl"]

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge Heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral....I'm a gynecologist".

The proctologist fainted. [+o(]

Edit; sorry double posting.

[/quote]

Don't worry, just as funny the second time

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Cold water is just fine:

Mary went to stay with her old grandfather for a few days in his house in the country. After cooking her a meal, he refused to let her wash up, saying, "cold water is just fine."

Next morning Mary wasn't sure cold water was just fine when she noticed that her plate retained some residue from the night before, however her grandfather brushed her concerns aside, repeating that cold water was fine.

Again that evening Mary uneasily ate her meal from a plate that was not quite clean, but said no more.

In the morning she decided to go for a walk to the village for something to do, but found her path blocked by her grandfather's snarling dog.

Gramps," called Mary, " your dog won't let me pass."

The old man stuck his head out of the window, "Coldwater," he shouted," get in here."

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Just received this :

>>>Julie Andrews turned 70 , this is brilliant! To commemorate her birthday, actress/vocalist Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP.
One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favourite Things' from the legendary movie 'Sound Of Music'. Here are the lyrics she used: 

If you sing it, it's quite hysterical!!! 
 
Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings, 
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favourite things. 
Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favourite things. 
When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad, 
I simply remember my favourite things,
And then I don't feel so bad. 

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions, 
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring, 
These are a few of my favourite things... 
 
Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin', 
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin', 
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames, 
When we remember our favourite things. 
 
When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had, 
And then I don't feel so bad.

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