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Pads
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I hope no one takes this the wrong way , Im not judging ....just wondering about others point of view on some thing I have been chunddering about ..........

In the last 2 years I have had a number of married family members and friends die. I have been very suprised by how fast the partners have picked up the pieces and moved on to new partners.... on one hand I feel... Thats great no one should morn for ever and as long as they are happy... blab blab.... on the other hand out of respect I sort of expected them to wait a little, at least 6 months before even thinking about dating again. Maybe Im just old fashioned and I know everyone deals with this in different ways, and until you have been there you dont know how you will behave ect.......

In one case one friend has met and moved into his house a new girlfriend and his wife hasnt been dead a year yet, he has totally alinated his two sons who live in universities not at home, but they now dont want to talk to him.....  I have been talking to the sons and tried to explain that at our age , for some one who has never lived alone, its very hard and scary to start doing it now. and that she is there foremost for company , but its hard to know what to say when they say that he should of waited out of respect. Its very hard as they were once a very close loving family. now none of them speak...  

 

Does any one have an opinon on this subject ? to give me other ways of looking at what is a differecult subject ?      

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[quote user="Pads"]

for some one who has never lived alone, its very hard and scary to start doing it now.    

[/quote]

I think you may have got it already. Especially if you think of, for example, a man who has always been cared for by his woman. A daunting prospect to suddenly have to learn  even the basics of housework, cooking etc. Whilst also coping with the fact that for the first time in decades you have to eat/ sleep/ live and function completely alone. Yes there are the children and other family around.....its not quite the same though. Also, i guess, when you loose someone so close you realise life is too short and time too precious to waste, so if and when a 'new' companion comes along,  why not go for it and find some happiness and to try and ease some of the pain, because who knows you might not get another chance. Maybe its a way of coping? Maybe a lot is down to fear? Maybe its just survival?

I guess its one of those questions that you don't know until you are in that situation.

I personally would be pleased that they had found someone and had someone close and there for them in all ways.

So sad the family no longer speak. With so much hurt already. Maybe in time they can all talk it through?

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Take a look at this book,  It's about finding a new relationship after a bereavement and some of the contents can be read online.

http://books.google.co.uk/books?id=_-vBHf2mtAIC&pg=PA96&lpg=PA96&dq=%22Why+do+people+marry+so+soon+after+a+bereavement%3F%22&source=web&ots=ax4digaTQK&sig=RFNNza2LRddaTiFimsi_vaYCcqM&hl=en&sa=X&oi=book_result&resnum=10&ct=result#PPP1,M1

I understand that marrying a widow/widower is no bed of roses.  I know someone who has.  She finds that everyone thinks of her husband's first wife as a saint, including the husband himself.  She has moved into his house and he is refusing to let her redecorate.  There are photos of the first wife all over the house.  She asked if she could move most of them into his study and he has refused.

 

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Death is a strange phenomenon for people, and everyone deals with it in their own individual way. Why not meet someone else and have a relationship with them? After all, people keep saying, life is short, you will meet someone else, you will never forget the times you had but you have to move on in life, etc etc. My sister-in-law lost her husband last year,(52 trs old), and she has a full length photo by her bed and talks to him all the time, sees a clarivoyant, who tells her that he is always present, but also that she will meet a new lover in 2 years time!!

It's not a matter of age, it is a reality that death is part of the process of life, and the realisation that death can happen to any of us at any given moment, is perhaps a driving force for us to make the most of our time whilst we can.  Of course, it's difficult for children to come to terms with the death of a parent, and a new person who fills the void, but again, this is a reality. I think that in time, people come to realise that we are social beings with a need for closeness, love, affection and companionship etc. With death comes all the emotions of loss, anger, guilt, pain etc, and these have to be experienced and dealt with before any real progress can be made in accepting the new reality, that mum or dad is with someone else who they love and care for. It's not easy, but to live a life of bitterness and resentment is even harder and probably more damaging, unhealthy and miserable, which will affect future relationships. I don't know if any of this helps you, but it is better to be open. After all, life is short and we are all fragile, and we all have needs that need to be fulfilled. I think, respect for the dead is not the issue. Perhaps, your friend is escaping, and transferring his feelings onto another person, maybe he has found a true love?  Whatever, he has made a choice and this has to be respected.

As Simone de Beavoir said to Jean-Paul Satre, "your death will seperate us, my death will not bring us back together again"

 

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[quote user="Meg "][quote user="Pads"]

for some one who has never lived alone, its very hard and scary to start doing it now.    

[/quote]

I think you may have got it already. Especially if you think of, for example, a man who has always been cared for by his woman. A daunting prospect to suddenly have to learn  even the basics of housework, cooking etc. Whilst also coping with the fact that for the first time in decades you have to eat/ sleep/ live and function completely alone. Yes there are the children and other family around.....its not quite the same though. Also, i guess, when you loose someone so close you realise life is too short and time too precious to waste, so if and when a 'new' companion comes along,  why not go for it and find some happiness and to try and ease some of the pain, because who knows you might not get another chance. Maybe its a way of coping? Maybe a lot is down to fear? Maybe its just survival?

I guess its one of those questions that you don't know until you are in that situation.

I personally would be pleased that they had found someone and had someone close and there for them in all ways.

So sad the family no longer speak. With so much hurt already. Maybe in time they can all talk it through?

[/quote]

Yes this friend went from his mothers home into his marriage home, had 2 children straight away and have never done anything that was'nt family related.... he worked hard and she dealt with all the home details , so he dosnt have a clue now , when the children where born her mother moved in each time to take care of him. He semed so lost for months now he has a new lady , but I can feel for the lads they didnt have chance to get over it , before she had moved in.... but then again how long will it be before they really get over it .... maybe never.. as they are thier mothers boys and very close to her.  Im trying hard to get them to talk , but I need some new things to say to them I feel as if I just keep repeating my self each time  


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 I think expecting to 'get over it' is possibly the mistake - you learn to live with it.

It's 12 years since I lost my father, if I had a penny every time something good happens and I'd love to tell him, or something bad happens and I'd value his advice.....

Maybe the boys are upset about the speed of the new liaison, but if their mother hadn't been fantastic would the father have been in such a rush to replace her? Perhaps they should try to see it as a compliment to her memory rather than an insult.

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As Forum Members will appreciate, 8 weeks ago, after the phonecall from the gendarme, and before the reassurances from the medics, I had cause to wonder over a period of some hours whether I was about to be bereaved - it goes without saying that the first return trip from Rouen was a lot more pleasant than the trip there!

Every relationship is different, although most of us with a few years of marriage tend to "wear" our partner like a comfortable pair of slippers, perhaps. We know their foibles and fears, and have learned - mutually, hopefully - to work around them. My parents were very close, although the rows and distinctly animated discussions could be a bit disturbing. I am like my father, but Deb is a bit stronger than my mother was, although equally popular with most people she meets, so full and frank discussion is part of the repertoire here! When my mother died at 62, my father was pretty cut-up, but managed to find female company in the form of a divorcee who had been present on the evening my parents met in 1938, and who had been a family friend ever since. The relationship didn't endure - he said other women "don't measure up" - and he met someone else a while later, being on good terms with her until his own sudden death 9 years after mum.

My brothers and I had no difficulty accepting these ladies, and wished Dad well with each of them. We feel that all debts are repaid on death, and you owe your deceased partner nothing more. Keeping up appearances is a matter for the bereaved to sort out for him- or herself. Some will never look at another person, others need the company or the excitement. It is very sad - but also very common - that family members are scandalised by a new relationship. There is no simple right or wrong here.

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I was 15 years old when we lost my mother to cancer, my father started a relationship almost immediately with the terminal care district nurse who nursed her in our home.

Like most troubled adolescents I was less than happy and tended to ignore the relationship and just  got on with what was at the time more important to me, cars, booze and girlfriends. 

They married a few years after and in 2003 I was proud to host their 25th wedding anniversary celebration, it was the second one for my father who sadly passed away not long after.

So in my view my father made the right decision, waiting for 6 months all that time ago would have made no difference at all in the scheme of things. 

My neighbour in the UK lost his wife last year, initially I was very worried about him but after about 6 months he picked himself up and started dating discreetly, he informed his sons (both in their late 20's) on the anniversary of their mothers death that it was time for him to move on, they are both very supportive.

Everybody is different, I can and do live on my own quite happily, my father and my neighbour could not and life is very short.

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