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Just for the girls!


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Ill probably get into trouble for this but what the hell?! [:)]


A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.


The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.


Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.  You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...


"Something happened.  I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."


The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1000 an inch."


The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."


The man agrees to talk with his wife.


The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"


"I have," says the man.


 "And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.







  "We're having granite worktops."
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Granite work tops - nahhhhh.

A Stag, though it's the wrong colour....


Mind you, I would have £1000 left over.  What could I do with that?

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Subject: The Prostate Exam...

A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.
When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.
The female doctor says, 'I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.
The guy obeys and says, '99'!

The doctor says, 'Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, please take a deep breath and say, '99.'

Again, the guy says, '99.'

The doctor said, 'Very good.. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis and your testicles, to keep them out of the way.

Now take a deep breath and say, '99.'

The guy begins, 'One ...........Two............Three'.

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  • 1 month later...

Man is a woman's best friend.

He will reassure her when she feels insecure

and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do;

to live without fear and forget regret.

He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and

give in to her most intimate desires.

He will make sure she always feels that she's the most

beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be

confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.

No wait.... Sorry......

I'm thinking of wine.

It's wine that does all that ...


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The simple life of a man

Men play with toys all their life.

Men wear shorts no matter what their legs look like.

Men have one wallet and one pair of shoes which are fine all year round.

Men choose whether or not to grow a moustache.

Men can "do" their fingernails with a pocket knife.

Men's tummies usually hide their large hips.

Chocolate is just another snack.

Men's last name never changes.

Men only have to shave their faces and necks.

Men keep the same hairstyle for years, even decades.

Men do their Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on Christmas Eve in 25 minutes.

For men, wrinkles add character.

Men can go on a week's holiday and pack only one suitcase.

Men's new shoes don't cause blisters, cut or mangle their feet.

No wonder we get stressed....

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[quote user="TWINKLE"]



 "And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.


  "We're having granite worktops."


My boy friend told me yesterday that he had chosen the granit worktops ...

I fear to have to check something ...[+o(]

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   If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. 

*        If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and Shit for Brains. 



*        When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50.  None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. 

*        When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. 



*        A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs. 

*        A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale. 



*        A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel. 

*        The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.  A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items. 



*        A woman has the last word in any argument. 

*        Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. 



*        A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. 

*        A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. 



*        A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. 

*        A successful woman is one who can find such a man. 



*        A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. 

*        A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does. 



*        A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. 

*        A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. 



*        Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. 

*        Women somehow deteriorate during the night. 



*        Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. 

*        A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.




A married man should forget his mistakes.  There's no use in two people remembering the same thing! 
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