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Cooperlola - Cremation


cooperlola2
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Deb will be cremated at Le Mans (where else?!) on Monday 10th September at 1100. I am NOT expecting droves of people to turn up. Some of you will have recognised that I am a more private person than was Deb, and I do not relish having to meet and greet many mourners. Reading pages of your generous tributes has had me on the ropes, believe me!

We are still negotiating the final resting place of the ashes, which is subject to strict rules in France. The funeral director is being as helpful as he can within the law.

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Ian, I went though this last November 5th and I have to be honest, after the shock of the death, the funeral is another horrendous thing to have to bear.What I say now may fill others with horror and yourself, but at the crem we were invited to watch the coffin enter the incinerator which myself, the children,my brother and one friend did. It wasn't horrendous as there were no flames visible BUT to all of us and we agreed at the time, it drew a line under the awful past week that things were finally done. The ashes were kept by the PF until two days later when we placed them in the local columbarium (my son could not believe how heavy the urn was).No way were we allowed to have them and the undertaker waited at the crem for the four hours it took whilst we came home for a wake.

You also need to inform many people including your Notaire asap and I should warn you that you may require an attestation from the doctor who treated Deb that the cause was not suicide but natural as the bank will possibly ask for it and insurance companies most certainly will as you only get the official 15 copies of the Decés.

Sorry to be morbid but it does help a bit when you have some information because to be honest, at a time like this you are most probably in a state of shock still, I know I was and everything was a bad dream.

Chin up,face the next few days,let all the visitors come which will get you down but is the way here and I can guarantee you will see the light.I was also with my husband(not all those years married) for one year less than you.

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Well Ian, you certainly were a pair well matched - the courage you are showing in your postings - thanks for keeping us informed.

I am sure that people will respect your wishes not to cause you even more distress by turning up but it is possible that some on this forum who were very close to Debs may want to attend.

Maybe some time in the future a get together could be arranged to celebrate Debs and also meet you who was obviously very important.

Paul

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The coffin will be sealed on Monday morning by a policeman, as per French law before a cremation. No chance of sticking Mother-In-Law in as well, then.[Forum members will be aware that Deb had no regard for her mother, hadn't spoken to her or had any contact since february.] I am allowed to add a keepsake in the coffin. When very young, Deb bought her father a yellow plastic duck, amd when he died it was still in his bathroom. it is now in ours. Guess where it will be on Monday?
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[quote user="cooperlola2"]When very young, Deb bought her father a yellow plastic duck, and when he died it was still in his bathroom. it is now in ours. Guess where it will be on Monday?[/quote]

I don't mean to be a bit negative but just thought I might warn you in advance about the duck. Admittedly this was in the UK but there are rules about materials used in making and lining the coffin for cremation, what people wear and what goes in the coffin and it is to do with, would you believe, toxins and the environment. Hopefully it may not be the same in France but be prepared on that one. My mother wanted to be cremated in a particular dress but because it contained cotton and synthetic material it was not allowed. The handles were removed from the coffin before cremation as well. I did manage to sneak a St Christopher in under her dress before hand though.

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With the cremation on Monday, this weekend I have to compose an eulogy. It will need to be in both languages, but I am determined that it should be all mine - the French may be weak, but it will be the best I can do, with a little help from online dictionaries etc!

Inasmuchas I have been a bit curmudgeonly about invitations to the event, I feel the least I can do is publish it here after I have delivered it - and I can also tell you how far I got if I fell to bits on the way. Cunning plan - as recommended by a friend's vicar - is to have a copy with a sensible member of the mourners, who can step in and read to the end if I am unable to continue. As I may have mentioned, I have a hard act to follow, with Deb delivering first rate eulogies for both her father and her sister.

The funeral Director was quite happy to accept the plastic duck, by the way, said it was most suitable, and enjoyed its provenance.

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[quote user="cooperlola2"]

Cunning plan is to have a copy with a sensible member of the mourners, who can step in and read to the end if I am unable to continue. [/quote]

When speaking about my dearly beloved cousin I had printed out my words larger than normal in case I had difficulty reading through the tears.

[quote user="cooperlola2"]

The funeral Director was quite happy to accept the plastic duck, by the way, said it was most suitable, and enjoyed its provenance. [/quote]

Brilliant news.

Sue

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If I could offer a little advice for addressing a large group from notes.

Print the beginning of each section in large bold letters - this will help if you lose your place.

Moving your thumb down the left hand side of the page as you go will also help you keep your place.

I wish you the very best of luck. I’m sure you will do well and I hope that the service is a comfort to you.

Hoddy
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We held a civil funeral first in the village hall here and it was overflowing outside, such a shock as we did not expect nearly the whole village to attend, just shows how much they think of us here! We had friends and family speak along with the current and former maires and various pieces of music from Holst to Queen which everyone enjoyed. My siblings got and spoke with my youngest sister translating it into french and everyone was very pleased to be able to understand.

I shall think of you on Monday and if the crematorium is a new one like the one here, there is no chimney as everything is recycled back internally to power the place which is a good idea.

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Extremely good advice from Hoddy - useful for this occasion - and for any speech.

Ian, you have already shown such strength - you will be able to do it.  Do not worry about crying - it is quite normal, quite to be expected, and the most cathartic thing that could happen.  I've been to enough funerals / cremations to know that whether you wish it or not - you will cry.  It's nature's way of dealing with grief - so let the tears come, and be proud of Deborah and of yourself.

Good luck - my prayers and thoughts are with you.

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Well the eulogy is written - each para in English, then French. Most of it is factual, describing Deb's progress through life, and the complication of reading it in alternating languages will help me forget the import of the event. A sensible-shoes mourner will also have a copy to step into the breach if needed.

I have selected a piece of music - Fairport Convention's "Meet On The Ledge", which although first recorded in the '60s, has become an anthem for the Fairport faithful in the modern era. It is always the last number at midnight on the Saturday - ending the Cropredy Festival. The version I've stumbled across was recorded live in 1997 at Cropredy, and since there is one verse where only the audience is singing, Deb's voice is certain to be there somewhere. How do I know? Well, she was almost always in the front "row" - this is a stage in a large field, remember. Some years back someone published a book about Fairport and its members and associated Folkies. In this book there is a photo of two leading musicians, Martin Carthy and Norma Waterson, but they are not performing. They are sitting in the area below the stage, in front of the punters, watching their daughter Eliza perfom. The photograph is taken looking away from the stage, and therefore shows the audience behind them. And leaning on the rail right behind and between them, clearly enjoying the show, is Deb. The pic would be from a similar era to the recording, I think. I am sitting here holding a framed copy of the pic, which Deb got from the original photographer.         
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