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Was this guy right or wrong...


woolybanana
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[quote user="woolybanana"]Of course he has the right to expect his kids to do something decent with their lives, given the life he had. They seem to have been downwardly mobile bums which no parent wants. 'Ugger this wishy washy, liberal concept of happiness, kids should be able to achieve up to their abilities, not slide down into the morass or mediocrity. But they have been treated too nicely by the parents; had the mother told them to stop being whiney little wimps, they would have been better off.[/quote]

That I certainly agree with.

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What you say Richard is fairly correct up to a point and that point is when your have kids and grandchildren. None of us ask to come in to this world but we are here. What you do with your life is up to you as it has been in the case of this chap (and his wife) however once you bring children in to the world then things take a very different turn. When it is just you then you can be a silly and irresponsible as you want with your own life but once you have children your responsibility is then to look after them because they can't look after themselves, they can't even feed themselves initially. Your the one to teach them the difference between right and wrong and it is you that has to make decisions for them. You try to create a good stable environment and give them the best start in life (even if, in your opinion it involves sending then to private school) I guess when you have kids and hopefully grandchildren you may see this part of life quite differently. This couple clearly love their grandchildren very deeply and it seems to me after reading the email that it is them they are really worried about and that basically they feel their children's lack of responsibility is having an effect on their grandchildren.
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[quote user="Quillan"]What you say Richard is fairly correct up to a point and that point is when your have kids and grandchildren. None of us ask to come in to this world but we are here. What you do with your life is up to you as it has been in the case of this chap (and his wife) however once you bring children in to the world then things take a very different turn. When it is just you then you can be a silly and irresponsible as you want with your own life but once you have children your responsibility is then to look after them because they can't look after themselves, they can't even feed themselves initially. Your the one to teach them the difference between right and wrong and it is you that has to make decisions for them. You try to create a good stable environment and give them the best start in life (even if, in your opinion it involves sending then to private school) I guess when you have kids and hopefully grandchildren you may see this part of life quite differently. This couple clearly love their grandchildren very deeply and it seems to me after reading the email that it is them they are really worried about and that basically they feel their children's lack of responsibility is having an effect on their grandchildren.[/quote]

Absolutely, you do the very best for your children that you can, I fully agree. I have step children (and had step children from my previous marriage, so am relatively experienced in bringing children up), and in both cases have tried and am trying to do what's best for them.

However, what they do as adults in their lives is their choice. Naturally parents should be there to advise, support and so on, but it is ultimately their offspring's decisions and choices in life. As parents, we have to find that balance between helping and getting too involved, and saying this is as far as I can help you, now you must make the decision. I feel that in this case, the mother perhaps has been feeding the helping habit, and as a consequence their kids have not broken free, even though they are approaching middle age.

I could also potentially see that their kids have perhaps had a strict and regimented upbringing, which they may have rebelled against. This is complete conjecture of course, but I can see that it could be very difficult for kids to follow those high standards. I think Arnold Rimmer in Red Dwarf is a great example of someone who has spent their life of trying to follow in their father's footsteps and failed. Perhaps these kids tried for so long before realising that they may never be good enough in their father's eyes. Even if you try the best you can, it is still not good enough in some people's eyes. If that's the case, then where else do you go?

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Actually being a military family and the husbands particular job he was probably away for large parts of their childhood and the mother was the one that spend the most time bringing them up. With the father not there to help the mother was probably, how can you say it, over compensating and the main parent in their life so probably not so strict as you may imagine. Having a two parent family around you is so important and the preferred way of bringing up kids. For military families not having the father around for long periods does have an effect and can be quite noticeable hence the phrase "Army brats". I say preferred but sometimes you have single parent families that are so because one parent has no choice but to bring up their children on their own and many make a good job of it but even saying that it is recognised that a proper family unit of two parents is the best way in an ideal world.

My guess and it is only a guess is that these children have never really grown up. They are like kids of a 'certain age' where they want to stand on their own two feet but when things go wrong they go back to their mum. Not so much for advice but for comfort and to tell her what was wrong with their life, get it off their chest as it were. Any advice the mother, and possibly the father, then gave them was ignored as the next 'love of their life' turned up on the scene. Unfortunately there is no manual that comes with kids, you learn from your own experiences. Others can give you advice on how to deal with your kids but unfortunately humans being what they are, each one unique, the phrase "one cap fits all" does not work.

I can remember our daughter getting 'involved' with a right scumbag of a boyfriend. We found the technique of keeping quiet and not expressing our thoughts in front of her worked very well. We knew it was a form of protest which we got to discover once the boyfriend had left the scene and we could sort the problem out but to wade in and try and forbid her from seeing the guy would have made her more determined to stay with him. Being pleasant in his company and appearing to be accepting was not the effect she wanted so she gave up (thank God). Of course this does not work for everyone but knowing your own child and being able, to a degree, to predict their response is very important.

I think women are better parents than men. Perhaps this is to do with their 'protective genes' that a man does not have. I can remember when I was in training to become a Scout Master I went on a half day child psychology class at Gilwell Park, it was very interesting. When I got home Mrs 'Q' went through the course notes and said "any mother could tell you that". Bit deflating for me but she was of course right. I remember thinking at the time that perhaps it would be a good idea for all fathers to attend such a course. Another tool is Outward Bound, not so popular these days and much tamer than it used to be because of the dreaded "Health and Safety" rules. It is something that I have assisted in during my military service and have seen remarkable changes in kids that have attended their courses and has helped make many lead a better life. Perhaps this chap should have sent his kids on one.

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[quote user="woolybanana"]

to tear his kids off a strip. He has my sympathy, I must say. And the snide comments about private education and stiff upper lip just show what a nasty little reporter wrote the article. However, the phrase "copulation driven self-indulgence" is definitely one to remember:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2234231/The-despairing-father-For-years-Naval-Commander-Nick-Crews-bottled-frustration--snapped-sent-excoriating-email-tearing-family-apart.html

[/quote]

I have to say I think the only one who is wrong here is Nick Crews, and has shown his most inadequate controlling little Hitler side;
if they haven't turned out as he expected he has either himself to blame for the selfish little fornicators or that Kids are not his to clone, (fortunately).
Mine have demonstrated that they were able to deal with life in a way to satisfy their ambitions because of or in spite of my influence,
I like to think I showed them the way to be capable but they are adults in their own right free to choose their path.
And so were Nick Crews children, any disatisfaction he has are his own failings, clearly he didn't do enough, and to think he can achieve anything to rectify that with that e-mail shows just how far from the mark he was and remains.
After that e-mail I suspect it will be a very long time before they are on (his) side. [:P]

 

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