Carers, Caring and Duty

[idun]

Most people have kids, and or pets too, and we happily love and care, so not only a duty of care, but done with an open heart and absolute willingness.

In the case of kids, well, how long will that go on for and to what extent will that be. One always assumes that it is not a life long job, although, it can be.

It is usual for me and my friends to bail our kids out  one way another, whether with our time and help and even with money sometimes. But it is unusual to have a dependant adult child.

As I get older and realise that I am at the point where there is probably a reasonable 'best before' date attached to much of what I do.

And so I was wondering exactly what troisieme age folk owe to  others, and they to them?

I see many people at the moment who are well past retirement age, whose own lives are simply being the carer, could be through love or duty, one never knows. Their whole being is looking after their other half, or ageing parent and sadly sometimes an adult child. They have 'no' life and too often too little sleep too.

And all too often those that are being cared for appear nonplussed, ungrateful and demanding. Although I am sure that some appreciate it.

At what point is 'one' life more valuable than another. When we are in need of long term care, which can be a 24 hour a day job, who does care for us, and what of the carers lives, have they no entitlement.

It isn't as if, if those in need 'go first' that suddenly years of caring are suddenly erased and one goes back to a more youthful energetic time. And all too often all that care has created health problems for the carer.

Incidentally, I do not believe that any parent can ever say to an adult child that bringing them up, means that they are owed anything at all, in order  to be pressure them into a path that means that their own lives and futures are discounted.

I would appreciate diverse comments about this and I am sure that I will have them too.[I]

[Mac]

In some ways we are very lucky ( if that's the right word!) Our health is good. Both our daughters are married, both gave jobs/careers/lives they love and at 40 and 45 no sign ( or prospect) of grandchildren. Neither was ever really enthusiastic about having them so it never bothered us-and even if it had I would never have said a word to them. It's their lives. My OH parents are both dead. His Dad about 10 years ago before we came out here. His Mum -at 97-last year. For 6 years she had been in a home as it was impossible to care for her at home-Alzheimers, Vascular Dementia, doubly incontinent and almost immobile . We've been out here 8 years. He has 2 brothers and his Mum was looked after at home by carers and family until she fell twice in the middle of the night trying to get to the commode. It was difficult for my OH as he couldn't even phone her as she didn't know who he was and often conversations went off at a tangent inspired by something she could see but he couldn't. My parents ( fortunately) at 87 and 90 are in reasonable health and my sister keeps and eye on them and one of our daughters lives close as well. How people without an extended family support system cope I don't know and I take my hat off to them. But I think there does come a point were you have to have your life as well. I gave friends here who-at the drop of a hat rush vack to the UK for 2 or 3 months to look after grandchildren. Maybe because we don't have any I'm always surprised at their willingness to drop everything and put their lives on hold. Or maybe I'm just selfish?

[NickP]

I don't think you're selfish Mac, just that if you did have Grandchildren, then you might understand why those that do, rush off at the drop of a hat. I must admit my wife and I are in the rush off category and are very happy to be so. We also cared for my mother at the end of her life and I'm sure my daughter would do the same for us should it be necessary.

Probably my mindset is aided by the fact I married into a wonderful Irish family whose family ties are very close. Also, when you have 6 brothers in law and 6 sisters in law plus lots of children between you, being family minded is easy.

So going back to your comment I wouldn't dream of thinking that you are wrong, it just proves that we are all different, and look at life in different ways according to our situations

[EuroTrash]

My aunt had two sons. The younger one was a feckless type who wanted to be a musician and she supported him financially, paid his rent when he had no money, fed him and washed his clothes when he went back to mum, mopped his sick up when he turned up drunk in the early hours of the morning, worried herself sick when his marriage broke down, etc, I don't think it's exaggerating to say that he aged her before her time. The older brother was a shy serious lad who became a teacher and my aunt always joked about how he was "the only sensible one of the family". She never needed to do anything to help him. Guess which brother looked after her when her dementia set in. The younger one suddenly discovered he could lead an independant life after all and he stayed well away, he said he loved her so much that he found it too upsetting to visit her. The older one took her in to live with him until her condition deteriorated, and then he made all the arrangements for the nursing home, visited her several times a week etc. Both brothers both benefited equally from her will. I could never understand how the older brother managed to be so philosophical and accepting about having done all the giving while the younger one did all the taking. I don't think he did it out of duty exactly, nor out of love exactly, he just felt it was the right thing to do and he is the sort of person who always tries to do the right thing. I guess we all have our own perceptions of what is the right thing to do, and if we choose not to do it then at the end of the day we have to deal with our own conscience, no matter how convincingly we rationalise our decision to other people. So I don't think there is an objective answer, there is only what feels right to you. Every person is different, every relationship is different.