Swissbarry Posted April 9, 2003 Share Posted April 9, 2003 Dear Gay,Ah yes. The question of finding a mistress. Well, I must get round to thinking about this, because we shall be living in France quite soon and I dont want to feel out of place. So with Eleanors permission, (and without my dear wifes permission), I will unashamedly advertise here and now on this website for a suitable lady/woman/thingy. The sort of mistress I am looking for must have the following attributes:Education she must be less clever than I (for example, unable to spell liaison or to put her big toe in her mouth).Looks she must bear a striking resemblance to at least one of the following: Princess Anne, Esther Rantzen, Felicity Kendal, Edwina Curry, that Gabby person who introduces Grandstand, Jonathan Dimbleby. (Dont ask!). Interests she should be very interested in, and knowledgeable about, fishing, folk music, Darlington FC, open fires, maggots, mice, and spots.Particular Skills my wife has informed me that she would die if she ever found out I had a mistress. Therefore, ability to organise funerals would be an advantage, as would expertise in making bacon sandwiches and a working knowledge of the Karma Sutra (French edition). Two legs would be helpful, as would the possession of either a Masters degree in psychology or a few thousand quid.Sex ah, now theres a thing. I am ideally looking for a mistress who has a fetish for blond, 50-something year old men who can put their big toe in their mouth while at the same time doing the Times crossword. And thats about it, Im afraid. Nationality obviously, a French mistress would be ideal. But failing that, I wouldnt rule out English (but North of Leeds), Swedish, Brazilian, Spanish, or at a push someone from Hull.Philosophy I would hope to find someone who valued the simple things in life: fishing, folk music, making bacon sandwiches, red wine, long walks, reading, watching Match of the Day, spots things like that. Oh yes, and someone for whom size didnt matter.Prospective applicants are invited to submit their full CV, together with some interesting photos, to swissbarry at his website address. Interviews will take place at the rate of one a month, starting in May. And probably finishing in June! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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