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Finding a mistress

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Dear Gay,

Ah yes. The question of finding a mistress. Well, I must get round to thinking about this, because we shall be living in France quite soon and I dont want to feel out of place. So with Eleanors permission, (and without my dear wifes permission), I will unashamedly advertise here and now on this website for a suitable lady/woman/thingy.

The sort of mistress I am looking for must have the following attributes:

Education she must be less clever than I (for example, unable to spell liaison or to put her big toe in her mouth).

Looks she must bear a striking resemblance to at least one of the following: Princess Anne, Esther Rantzen, Felicity Kendal, Edwina Curry, that Gabby person who introduces Grandstand, Jonathan Dimbleby. (Dont ask!).

Interests she should be very interested in, and knowledgeable about, fishing, folk music, Darlington FC, open fires, maggots, mice, and spots.

Particular Skills my wife has informed me that she would die if she ever found out I had a mistress. Therefore, ability to organise funerals would be an advantage, as would expertise in making bacon sandwiches and a working knowledge of the Karma Sutra (French edition). Two legs would be helpful, as would the possession of either a Masters degree in psychology or a few thousand quid.

Sex ah, now theres a thing. I am ideally looking for a mistress who has a fetish for blond, 50-something year old men who can put their big toe in their mouth while at the same time doing the Times crossword. And thats about it, Im afraid.

Nationality obviously, a French mistress would be ideal. But failing that, I wouldnt rule out English (but North of Leeds), Swedish, Brazilian, Spanish, or at a push someone from Hull.

Philosophy I would hope to find someone who valued the simple things in life: fishing, folk music, making bacon sandwiches, red wine, long walks, reading, watching Match of the Day, spots things like that. Oh yes, and someone for whom size didnt matter.

Prospective applicants are invited to submit their full CV, together with some interesting photos, to swissbarry at his website address. Interviews will take place at the rate of one a month, starting in May.

And probably finishing in June!
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Brazilian, Spanish, or
> at a push
>someone from Hull.
Either you take a more liberal view of these matters than earlier postings suggest or you are failing to keep up with French Slang as posted in the learning the language forum.

Isabel takes a much less self sacrificing view of these matters she would simply kill me.
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Hi Swissbarry - Jongleuse here,

Hope we are alone (never done this sort of thing before and Jongleur may be around!!) A reply to your "advert".

Looking For - well I believe I am a lady, but if not then I fall into one of the other two categories.

Education - I can missspell whatever you want and I only put other people's big toes in my mouth! Feet are a speciality!

Looks - From your list I am a more petite and darker version of Felicity Kendal, but feel(?) very much like her in spirit - it is the Good Life all over again French style!

Interests - I love fishing, especially for useless information and am used to digging up worms for the hens, could easily relate to fish if necessary. I have much experience with open fires (nearly caused one once) and know much about spock, sorry spots! Would hamsters be a suitable substitute for mice? - I have an empty cage at the moment.

Skills - I am an excellent organiser, would you want burial or cremation for your "problem"? ( I have a large field at your disposal or a DIY bonfire pit and some extra large matches). Bacon sandwiches with plenty of eggs as a side order are available chez moi, courtesy of my bacon slicer and the hens! I believe I must have an inherited knowledge of " the book" - no particular edition! I can also assure you I have two decent legs, both my own and not wooden, which keep me propped up and plenty of money (mostly plastic or monopoly).

Sex - Yes? I am under 50 and have no wish to suck my own toe, but as explained previously, I have no problems with others. However, I should warn you that you might not be able to concentrate on any crossword, whilst doing this, particularly if I nip said toe!

Nationality - British by birth, but moved about a lot. As for the rest, let's just say north of Leeds (thank God) and I wouldn't be seen dead in Hull (well not as I am alive at the moment and in France)

Philosophy - Have covered fishing, I confess to drinking red wine if necessary to keep the peace or be sociable. However, I have been known to down quantities of white wine or that lovely pink fizzy stuff provided it is not sweet! I can easily watch Match of the Day by removing my contact lenses (which helps with the toe sucking!). As for size, well even the French (who seem to be a slightly smaller nation height wise) call me "la petite femme Anglaise" or was that not what you were meaning?

Should you be interested in this, (my first venture of this nature) and feel we might be compatible, then please contact me on or before arrival, so I can determine if I need to take any precautionary measures. Any further questions can be directed to this posting.

Yours interestedly
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