husband-wife relationship while living in France.

[Patf]

This is mostly for those living in France but could also be interesting for those thinking of moving here. Have you found that the balance of the relationship has changed since you came to live in France? Do you get on eachother's nerves more because you're together more? Or maybe closer and more affectionate? With us the main difference comes from the fact that I speak better french than husband and I sometimes get tired of having the responsibility for bureaucratic things etc. Normally I would leave a lot of decisions to him, now it's more up to me and in a way he doesn't like that either. How many times have I decided something, he disagrees and I have to go back and change it! We just about manage to make compromises and keep the peace but it's often difficult. On the other hand we both enjoy the country life and this helps to keep things calm. Pat.

[Gastines]

I would agree with 90% of what you state. My wife speaks fairly good french and I speak very little and understand even less. I have bad Tinnitus and quite poor hearing so that is my excuse, all be it a fairly lame one. My wife deals with most of the spoken problems but we normally agree a strategy first and I do any figures etc required. The worst thing for a workman,that's me, is not being able to do a deal for myself , or pass the time of day with french tradesmen. I can get by but that is about all and it is frustrating having to put some of the load on my wife's shoulders. It is about the only thing that has sometimes got me down to the extent of considering returning to UK.Fortunately these depressing thoughts don't last for too long.

Even worse, is that in UK , WE ,yes my wife although a nurse, used to help on sites all over the country and we spent virtually 24hrs a day together or the last 12 years.  We also used to renovate flats/houses and this always kept us busy.In France I think it is now very difficult to do this for a living, even to find anything with a profit in it as you now are SUPPOSED to use registered labour for just about everything,otherwise no tax relief.

For couples deciding to move here, who follow seperate jobs/interests in UK,I think being together all the time can come as a bit of a shock and you can't share problems with your pal at work etc.

 Still got a bit of painting/gardening etc to do , so I don't think she will be getting rid of me just yet!

 

Regards.

[Tony F Dordogne]

Living here full time with J has been just brilliant.  After us both having careers which were close to manic but in which we always managed to spend 'quality time' together to maintain our sanity, part of our early retirement (using the r word loosely) was being able to spend real time together, planning and doing stuff especially the business and planning and working in the garden.

We both have our strengths and weaknesses.  J can't drive very much, my French is better than hers but she can do and does other things better than me.  It's a real balance and a balanced life also.

She has her interests which she does with her chums and chumlettes and I have mine.  We discuss everything, enjoy each others company and really do get on great, we just enjoy being with each other all the time.  We sort of planned for this closer relationship (it was already very close before we came to France) and now it's just stronger.

[Tony F Dordogne]

Living here full time with J has been just brilliant.  After us both having careers which were close to manic but in which we always managed to spend 'quality time' together to maintain our sanity, part of our early retirement (using the r word loosely) was being able to spend real time together, planning and doing stuff especially the business and planning and working in the garden.

We both have our strengths and weaknesses.  J can't drive very much, my French is better than hers but she can do and does other things better than me.  It's a real balance and a balanced life also.

She has her interests which she does with her chums and chumlettes and I have mine.  We discuss everything, enjoy each others company and really do get on great, we just enjoy being with each other all the time.  We sort of planned for this closer relationship (it was already very close before we came to France) and now it's just stronger.

And we're not newly weds or anything like that, we've been together for 24 years!

[RumziGal]

We used to work in the same (albeit very large) place in the UK, and that was cool.   In almost every way!   The drive home in the evening was the chance to blether about work and get it out of your system, so when you got home, no need to talk shop, and you could get on with real life!   We had a social life in those days too!   I'd never have dreamed of going abroad to work by myself and leaving him at home with les enfants.  [blink]

In France, he works longer hours (often not back till 8pm, so difficult to have a social life), while I wander around looking for ways to fill up my time.  Mostly, my evening conversation is "I took the dog for a walk.  Haven't seen anyone all day."  [:D]    It's scintillating, it really is!    So, as you all know, I'm now abroad working by myself (and having a social life [:-))] ) and leaving him at home with boy and constipated dog.

Life is.......... ummmm, life! [:)]

 

[Cerise]

When we moved here I said 'I'm your wife, not your nanny - learn French!'  I refused to translate for him except in real emergencies, we only have French TV (boring) and French magazines etc.  Tough, maybe but it worked.  It was hard at first when Mr Cerise, who had no French, went off to do things looking like a scared school kid to get CT for his car etc, but the consequence is that he has a job, friends and a life just like in the UK.  We are not retired so work is essential and we are too young to potter around at home all day.  We love each others company but I personally wouldn't want us to do everything together, can't see that it takes 2 people to trail round Leclerc, whoever is not going can get on with something else.  We also like to have our own hobbies (easier here for him than for me).  We did spend the first 18 months together doing up the house and enjoyed it very much, but we did discuss before we came here whether being together all the time would be a problem.  Looking at others I think the main problem is where one of the parners doesn't speak French or, often for the ladies, where they don't drive making them very dependant on the other.

[Teamedup]

can't see that it takes 2 people to trail round Leclerc

 

 

Truthfully, for some people around here, 'that' is socialising. Don't get it my self.

 

Since we moved to France we have been together a lot. He worked such strange hours that we always saw a lot of one another. Now he is not working and we are at home all the time, then I need time to myself sometimes as does he.

My neighbours used to live apart a lot, he was in the military and seemed to think that every minute of every day should be with his femme when he retired. She left home for two years within the first year of his retirement, couldn't stand it, she is back now.

Re the language, well my husband has the ear and picked it up quickly. It took me far longer and for all I started to understand a lot of what was being said, for some time I was like a tiny child could only reply in single words or very simple sentences. And when we were looking for land then I made the effort to find somewhere away from the other anglais in the region, a very very good move for me. And gradually my french built up. I think I still speak like a vache espangnole, but there you go, I can have a chat to anyone about anything under the sun really.

I will never give up driving unless my health gives up. I have french and english female  friends who have done just that when they got to about 60. I have no idea why, but I like my independence.

I reckon when we move back we will see one another less than we have in years and years. It will be OK and novel actually. We both have plans as there is so much that interests us and that we want to do. I imagine that we are going to have to make time for 'us', it will be quite different and I suppose if we miss 'all' the contact, then we will adjust our lives accordingly.

[Pun]

 when we met I was in H.M.Army always being sent away and not having a lot of time to spend as a couple and having spent so much time with my soldier friends while away it was some times hard to settle back into a so called normal family life, and just when it seemed to get normal the red flag was flying and away I'd go again serving queen and country,

Having left the Army and in a short time we started our own company , again the passing like trains in the night thing came about due to work and trying to make sense of running your own company

If it wasnt one thing it was something new ,

My company was very worth while and it allowed us both to retire early (me at 53 and my wife at 49) that was 6 years ago and we have lived here ever since.

we get on very well because of the values we have both learnt, and one is this, its later than you think it really isnt worth fighting, if anything its a waste and as I cant stand waste, why do it.

The second point I think is to share the good and the not so good things, dont keep them to yourself, they belong to both of you.

We both have a liking for the garden and as seperate things and our own individual space things go, I like motor anything, and my wife likes to go and spend time doing shopping and we feel after 31 years married we know what buttons not to press.

I myself dred the day my wife isnt here and I know she feels the same if I wasnt around so we wake up every day and thank God we have all the day to ourselves.

if you think spending all your time together is a crime?  then whats the point in getting old together.

 

 

[Patf]

Gastines - your situation sounds quite like ours. Cerise - I admire your attitude and perhaps I will now try toughening up a bit. After all, I've been away several times, twice for as long as three weeks and he managed fine. We do get on well most of the time - I didn't mean that we get on eachother's nerves - and share many of the same interests. I was just trying to make the point that the balance can change when you have such a huge change of lifestyle such as happens when you go to live in another country. Pat.

[PossumGirl]

Mr. P and I have been together for almost 30 years, working togther in the house for 22 of them.

This has worked out really well for us.  We never run out of things to talk about, and because we each have our own work space in the house, we aren't directly under each other's feet.  In fact, we even have days where we're both so busy with our individual work, that we almost don't get to speak to each other until mealtimes or while walking the dogs.

We have friends who take separate vacations, which I've never understood.  We won't even go out for an evening without each other.  When Mr. P has to travel to Paris or elsewhere on an occasional business trip, I find myself kind of wandering at loose ends and we spend an enormous amount of time on the phone with each other.

Granted, I know we are odd about this kind of thing. But, the togetherness CAN work.  I suppose it's a question of personality as much as anything else.

[dogwood]

 

Gastines wrote  "I have bad Tinnitus and quite poor hearing so that is my excuse, all be it a fairly lame one."

Hi Gastines

Sorry that is as you say a fairly lame excuse.

I am 75% deaf I also have bad Tinnitus ( Too many years working in a ships engine room) [blink]

My wife also speaks better french than me, but she workes in England so I have to make do on my own[:P]

This is not a serious dig at you[:P][:P] so get your wife to teach you to say " I am a bit deaf  please speak louder" What, A, Pardon, When they do start to shout at you, you can say " Sorry i dont speak French"[:D][:D][:D]

 

Dogwood

[Cerise]

Patf  - people did think I was horrid when I was so tough about the language, but I honestly felt that we would just become angry and frustated if OH couldn't do things independently.  It can't be good for anyone's morale if they can't order things for themselves and enjoy their own hobbies without assistance from their partner.  It was a bit tough to start with, but Mr Cerise has just become a committee member for his classic car club (his great passion) and I know that the other guys would not have elected him if he needed to bring his wife to translate.  To start with he needed help with phone calls etc but I would always make him try before I came to his assistance.  He now has a job working for someone French and although he is not completely fluent he no longer needs my help for most things.  If your husband can manage when you are away he probably just needs a little push to feel more confident - even if he moans about it he will feel proud of himself when he succeeds and you in turn will feel better about the language issue.

[Catalpa]

In the UK, I ran our lives. TOH had a pretty peaceful time of it really. I had the stressful jobs (which, yes, were well paid) and TOH as a self-employed builder worked mostly within a 15 mile radius of home. Where decisions needed to be made, we'd make them jointly then I'd make them happen.

Then we moved to France.

TOH has shown an unsuspected but wonderful aptitude for French. I haven't. I plod on with two French lessons a week, French tv at least once a day, newspapers, books for children aged 9 [:D], etc, but I just don't have the "hear it once, repeat it back, remember it for life..." gift that he has discovered. He gets the accent right too. Therefore, we now discuss, make a decision and I say "right dear... make it happen". And he does. And it is just wonderful to suddenly find I don't have to take responsibility for making everything happen correctly. Go boy!

This isn't a recipe for complacency on my part but right now, I really am enjoying the power shift. It's a good thing. [:P]

[mint]

catalpa

your story has heartened me.  can't see it, but you never know, it would be absolute bliss if my OH were to suddenly show an interest in "making things happen"!

i shall carry on dreaming and, if i am very very good, do you think santa might make it happen come christmas?

[Catalpa]

[quote user="Patf"]With us the main difference comes from the fact that I speak better french than husband and I sometimes get tired of having the responsibility for bureaucratic things etc. Normally I would leave a lot of decisions to him, now it's more up to me and in a way he doesn't like that either. How many times have I decided something, he disagrees and I have to go back and change it! We just about manage to make compromises and keep the peace but it's often difficult.

[/quote]

Pat, I went back and re-read what you'd said after I'd posted above and thought again about what you were saying. I think maybe you'd not be so bothered about the responsibility you are taking if your OH didn't disagree with what you've done. Can you do things in three stages? Decide jointly what you want to do; you go do it as per the joint decision (or as close as French bureaucracy lets you); if your OH then disagrees... it is his responsibility to go back and change it. Without you.

I think Pun's comment sums it up: ...and we feel after 31 years married we know what buttons not to press.

I've always felt that the person never to take frustrations out on is my OH. Fortunately, he thinks the same too. [6]

[Catalpa]

[quote user="sweet 17"]...it would be absolute bliss if my OH were to suddenly show an interest in "making things happen"!

[/quote]

Please don't think my OH "showed a sudden interest..." - he just accepted the inevitable! [:-))] Perhaps you could point your OH in the direction of this thread...? [6]

[MrCanary]

Whether in the UK or France, my wife and I agree that we operate so much more successfully when we are together. We achieve more, we encourage each other all the time and, even after about 33 years of marriage, we hate being apart. I guess you reap what you sow.

Message for teamedup - your post reads as though you are moving back to the UK, is that the case?

[hastobe]

We work much better when we are apart - preferably by several miles...

Kathie

[Teamedup]

[quote user="Prasutagus"]

Whether in the UK or France, my wife and I agree that we operate so much more successfully when we are together. We achieve more, we encourage each other all the time and, even after about 33 years of marriage, we hate being apart. I guess you reap what you sow.

Message for teamedup - your post reads as though you are moving back to the UK, is that the case?

[/quote]

 

Yes, always our plan.

[MrCanary]

Thanks teamedup...

So, do you have any advice (like, 'don't do it') for a married couple in their late 50's who are on the verge of leaving the UK for France?

[Teamedup]

This couple mid fifties want to go home. For all we have spent half our lives in France now, we really do not want to be here for our dotage and juggle with two languages.

It is obvious that I don't see France like most of the other posters on here. And I really have never understood why so many are moving here and why so many people tell me that it's their dream. In real life, I always ask two questions, 'do you speak french' usually the answer is no and the other is what do you know about France, and they know 'nothing' about it either. I don't get it. People will do what they want, but  bear in mind that it is said that an awful lot of people move back within two years.

[MrCanary]

Hmm, thanks teamedup...

We do speak French - not fluently - but quite well. We have owned our French home for over three years and are well known in the village where it is situated. We feel closer to our French friends than the English ones we have in the UK and there does seem to be this 'pull'. However, whilst my wife is very, very, keen to be there full-time, I do admit that the thought of a 'lock, stock and barrel' move makes me a bit nervous.

Is there anybody out there who does not regret it one little bit? 

[Tony F Dordogne]

Yep, not one little bit, speak French, have a good circle of friends, work here also and in UK, as I've said elsewhere, not been easy for the two years we've been here because of circumstances outside our control (flood and road accident) but absolutely no regrets at all from either of us - and we have spoken about how we feel about moving here just a few days ago so bang up to date feelings.  OK, beaurocracy is a bit heavy and some things here seem to take forever to get done but after living and working in London where everything is done at treble speed, that's actually nice if a little frustrating sometimes.

Only made two major decisions in my life about which I have no doubts or regrets - marrying J and moving to France!

[MrCanary]

Thanks Tony - I think I will be looking out for more of your posts!

[RumziGal]

I think everyone enjoys the first couple of years.   Mostly.

After that, who knows?    I thought Smudger's analysis was not far off the mark!  [:)] 

TonyDordogne, you say you also work in the UK.  I think that helps.  Would you be so content if you were stuck in France full time?