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finding it hard going


Alma
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Cut the cackle guys, there is only one solution here and that is for there to be a proper couple which means that one home has to be put on a care and maintenance basis and they have to be together. Living the split life is not for everyone. Otherwise, marriage kaput. You know what you have to do, forget the pills, the depression, the counselling, they are just excuses for not doing the obvious. Get together full time. Or split and accept the consequences. Been there, played the music and faced it. Or you will get your heads banged together by an angry banana[6]
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[quote user="Alma"]

Perhaps it is because I have changed as a person?  I used to rely on him to do most things but in the last few years I have had to do so much and have the responsibility of coping 'on my own' that I now realise I don't need him to run my life. 

[/quote]

Alma,

I know just how you feel, it was much the same with me.  Whilst hubby was here in France I was working and running the UK flat, taking all the necessary decisions etc.  It was sometimes very difficult to discuss emotional things on the phone - not easy, almost always is better face to face.  Now I am here, he is having some troubles remembering that I did actually manage to do all those things without him - and so, like me, you too are learning to do those things without hubby around.  No problem, if he remembers that.  Also, I used to find the day I got here, I would be shattered, and the arrangement was always that he would cook etc the first evening to give me time to recover from work and the journey.  Then I would take over the food etc the next day.

Now, though it may not be the same for you, it seems that you do need to find some routine like that which works for you.

Also, though I did not realise it at the time, when I was in the UK, I too was suffering from minor depression, fortunately, life changed in time for me not to have to recourse to medication, but there is no need to suffer in silence, get help (as I see you have been doing) if needed.

I have found that talking in an non-emotional way, discussing options objectively can help, though it is extremely difficult in such situations to take the emotion out of such discussion (be that from a male or female point of view), but generally, talking helps even the depresson.  Don't worry too much that you are diffient personality types, we are, and I suspect a good proportion of people in a relationship will be - it can a good thing, as you can then look at things from both view points.

Good luck.

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Perhaps hearing the viewpoint of a female who has been "on the other side of the fence" might help.

I got married (and am still married, phew) twentyteen years ago, and only 3 weeks after our wedding, was seconded to Australia by my company for 6 months. I think, in fact, that the wedding was precipitated by my announcement to my (then) fiance that I would like to go, because I'd probably spend the rest of my life regretting it if I missed the opportunity.

This set the tone for the rest of our marriage, up until relatively recently. I came home from Oz, started travelling extensively with my job, and then after I'd been back for about 6 months, OH was seconded by HIS company to Hong Kong. At no point was there ever any question of us visiting each other, as we were young, broke and so on.

As OH works in an industry that has more ups and downs than the big dipper, he was working all over the country after his return, and I was working all over Europe. Eventually, though, we managed to spend enough time together to produce two children....but by this stage, OH's industry was being hit by one of those darned recession thingies, and he was made redundant three times in two years, so I was in a position where I needed to hang on to my job, which involved me in increased amounts of overseas travel. I missed most of my eldest son's birthdays (until he was about 8), his 11-plus exams, school concerts etc., and his younger brother fared little better. At one stage, I spent 4 months living in a hotel at the other side of the world,  whilst my children were looked after by my husband and a live-in Nanny.

Yes, when I came home, I felt like a stranger. Nothing could feel worse then telephoning your family to find that they've gone out, and all you hear is the ringing phone, when you're sitting thousands of miles away and you're alone. Nothing hits you quite as hard as being told by your kids "we don't do it like that, mum, we do it like this" when you try to take control of your own kitchen. It's heartbreaking to leave home on a Sunday afternoon with a suitcase, knowing that you won't see your family for one, two, six or more weeks.

I was offered on more than one occasion the opportunity to take on jobs which would have meant that we could all be together as a family, albeit overseas. I couldn't bring myself to say yes, even after discussing it with MOH, because he would have felt totally emasculated if cast into the role of an "expat spouse", as would I, if I'd done it for him.

What you're going through, Alma, is BLOODY HARD. What your OH is going through is probably worse. Unfortunately, the "slightly macho pig-headed" gene is one which most men seem to be given in spades, and I suspect it'd be difficult, if not impossible for him to divulge his real feelings about the current situation. All I can say is, I've been in his shoes, and it wasn't an experience I enjoyed. I'd have to ask MOH about what YOU are feeling, because he's the one whose experience most closely mirrors yours.

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I'm sorry NormanH - I'm not sure if you are trying to help me or attacking me without knowing all the details.  I own my own home (it's all in my name) and I work full time in a job where I have to put up with moral harrassement, hard work and nearly an hours travelling each way to work.  I have to work weekends and Wednesdays so never have proper time off with my kids.  I have to fight my employers for my rights to proper holidays, pay that has been deducted from my salary by mistake (so called error) and I am fighting all the time not to take my frustration out on my kids when I do spend time with them.

So do you think I have the time or inclination or energy come to that to find a lover (rich or otherwise! Money does not bring happiness to most of us).  I appreciate everyone taking the time to post messages and listen to me prattling on to get this out of my system (if that's possible) but please I would prefer  NormanH if you kept any  future comments to yourself.

Thankyou to everyone else who have posted.  It has made me quite emotional to know that there are a lot of kind people out there who do care about others and take the time to try and help.

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I am a bloke, and I think the fact that you have changed as a person is very meaningful. For me, and it is only my personal opinion,  without seeing the person on a day to day level, experiencing the same things, talking, sharing the same space, enjoying the moments you have together, smelling each other, laughing together, eating together and growing together as people, then one misses out on fundamental human needs. It seems to me that you don't need him anymore, and in all probability, you don't love him anymore, and the fact that you experience resentment towards him is a sign that you don't even like him!

I think you really should tell him exactly how you feel, be honest, be brave and what follows will follow. After all, it can't be any worse than what you are experiencing now. Maybe he will  change, move to France, and recharge your relationship. You know him, you know what he is like, and in all likelihood you probably know yourself what the outcome will be. I know it's hard, and emotionally draining, and 30yrs is a hell of a long time to be with someone, but if you are stressed out, and unhappy then make steps to change it. I believe that everyone can change if they want to, and especially if that means losing someone close to you. Shirley Valentine got her man!!!

 

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[quote user="NormanH"]
Of course I will.It shows that I am the only person who has understood the situation .
[/quote]

I doubt that.

I would guess it shows you're the only one posting who views complex personal relationships/situations such as Alma described as some sort of financial contract? 

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Alma - I'm sorry you are having so many problems but there are things in your posts that puzzle me.  In the original post you say that your OH is staying in England to give you the "good" life here and then in last post you say

I have to fight my employers for my rights to proper holidays, pay that has been deducted from my salary by mistake (so called error) and I am fighting all the time not to take my frustration out on my kids when I do spend time with them.

Well, that doesn't sound very "good" to me.  Is the real problem that you are simply not happy here (but it is hard to say that when you have fixed in your head that you 'ought' to be having a good life), or that you resent him for not having the problems you have here.  A life where you are resentful and miserable is not "good" however much money you may have.  If he moved to be with you could you work less and make decisions together?  If you said 'this is not working, can we try being together, in either country?' would that help?

I do sympathise, if you want to live and work in France you generally have to put up with less money.  We've certainly been to the point where we thought we'd be better off if one of us was working elsewhere, but I personally want to BE WITH the person I am with.  I don't want to be alone making the decisions in any country.  If I am going to be on my own, then I want to be on my own, free to make all the calls and chose another person if they come along.  Half and and half wouldn't suit me.  I know many people keep together relationships where one partner is away a lot of the time - good for them, but we are not all like that.  You may feel that you have all the disadvantages of a relationship and not too many of the advantages hence the feeling that you could find someone else.  Very sad, but - to me anyway - perfectly understandable.

I think you are  very brave to use this forum as a sounding board.  I wish you luck in whatever you decide and hope you can find a decision which leaves you happier.

 

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Dear Alma,

Don't let NormanH get to you. He has tried the same thing with me on another topic. He must be a very sad person. I very rarely write on the forum but when I have members' replies have been interesting, funny, thought-provoking, informative and very helpful but once in a while there is someone who has a different motive. Takes all sorts.

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