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Ex-pat groups


bixy
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When we first came to live permanently in France we resisted joining the local ex-pat group - not entirely sure why. Anyway, we eventually did join. We had expected to find a group of welcoming people, ready with advice, support and information. It wasn't quite like that. What we found was a rather cliquey group, within which there was a certain amount of backbiting. Most of the people in the group were retirees who spoke little or no French. They needed the group to have any kind of social life, and they seemed to be worried that newcomers might 'steal' their friends. We gave it a couple of years but eventually moved on and made our own friends - French, Dutch and British, and we are a good deal happier. We kept in contact with one or two people in the group and learnt of major fallings out and splits, and one couple even moving to another part of France they became so upset. It strikes me that if the only reason that you get together with other people is that a) you're an ex-pat and b) you don't speak the local language, then there are bound to be problems.

I would be interested to hear of other people's experience of such groups - is this sort of thing normal?

Patrick

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No, never joined an ex-pat group, mainly because we didn't want to bring to France with us all the competitiveness and keeping-up-with-the-Jones thing that appeared to me to be so prevalent amongst friends and colleagues (ah, sorry, that word doesn't look like it's been spelt right and can't be bothered to check) back in the UK.

However, having virtually no French, both OH and I have been attending classes from the word go.  Inevitably, in French class, one meets British ex-pats as well as Dutch, Germans, Russians and others.  We see them in our classes and OH knows people, including a couple of Brits, from his table-tennis club.

He is a more gregarious sort than I am so he does see them for a drink after, say, a practice session.  Me, I am notoriously difficult to know, and I don't even see the English people opposite the road from us, unless they come for something or other.

I don't consciously avoid ex-pats but I cetainly do not seek them out to befriend.  Having said that, we have maybe 2 or 3 couples that we see infrequently and irregularly on a social basis.

Of course, we meet other ex-pats in our daily lives, going to a concert, a restaurant, etc and, on such occasions, I am always happy to chat and to mind my manners![:P]  This year, I am a volunteer with a local walking group and so I daresay my exposure to many more ex-pats will be inevitable.

It's strange, I am supposed to live in an ex-pat infested area but I don't seem to notice them that much.  However, that probably says more about me than about them but I do tend to live a bit in my own little world with my own interests which, incidentally, tend to be activities done in solitude (reading, etc)

So, can't answer your question about ex-pat groups but even I have got to know a few ex-pats![:D] 

 

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We belong to one group which is basically for English speakers of whatever nationality, so there are Dutch, Americans etc, but also French people who enjoy speaking English and families of English people who are mostly French. Visits to interesting places and events etc arranged, and we make friends with people we get on well with, just as we would anywhere in the world - not just because they are or can speak English. Most of the non-French members can speak pretty good French, although one couple manage to get byliving in an entirely French community with little of the language.

In another group we are members of, the vast majority of members are French, and Thursdays are very tiring, as we have a demanding French class for 90 minutes in the morning and a walk with only French companions in the afternoon - the brain has to work very hard! There are also Dutch, Swedish and Belgian members of the French class, and the language of choice when we meet up is either French or English; we enjoy meeting up with any of them.

But there's a sizeable group of almost non-French speakers in town, with a sprinkling of some who have rather more French, who meet regularly for coffee and chat, and most have no intentionat all of learning French - although one did tell me that she had learned the word for dustbin. I think it's rather odd not to want to be able to communicate with locals in the language of the country they live in, but they seem quite content as they are. If we bump into any of them we don't mind chatting or having a coffee with them, but we really don't want to be drawn into the group - it's just not our sort of thing. There does seem to be a lot of complaining going on between them, from what we've heard from them, plus talking about their 'friends' behind their backs - probably about us too, for not joining in their group.

This virtual group of ours here seems to get on OK, and people I've met from it have been very friendly and pleasant.

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We had contact with expats via work when we first moved. The good thing was that they all lived out of the city we lived in. We really liked one couple and keep in touch very infrequently.  Then there are two couples we are still in much contact with and were most of the time we were in France. When I say 'much contact', I mean that the nearest lived about 40 miles away and we'd see one another about twice a year, and the others lived even further away, and we'd meet in the city or at one anothers homes about three times a year. And the last ones are very good friends.

 There was an expat group in the city, and I steered clear of that, as if they had the plague. With most of the expats we first encountered I realised that most were people, (in said expat group) that were not for me and in any language could never be friends. We found a village with a plot of land far far away from any known brits and when we left, we were the only brits in the village. I have some wonderful french friends. We have also made new friends over the years with irish people (living in Ireland, France and Holland) dutch people (living in Holland) and english people who live in England.

From a timid young girl, I found that I had to change. What with no gift for language, I had to make a real effort in France to learn french and get to know people so  simply I jumped in and met people and eventually made friends. Am I hard to get to know? I can be, if I don't fancy knowing you, I make no effort at all, and you'll never get to know 'me'.

As I used to say to french friends, if I wanted to speak english all the time and frequent english people, I know of a little island just to the north of France, where I could do just that! Strangely we know two french ladies now, and they will not speak french to us. As far as I am aware they don't know one another, which I do understand, not searching one's compatriots, however, it would be good for our french if they would speak french to us a little.

What I don't get is anyone making a planned move to France, especially when retiring and not learning french and quite a lot about french life in advance and also wanting ex pat groups or english shops etc. I'll never understand that.

EDIT: is this an expat group?  It's the internet. I could be a 6'4 transvestite lorry driver living in outer Shetland, and you'd never know. It isn't quite real. Meeting people is real and I'll not be indescrete enough to say who I'd like to meet and who I wouldn't[Www]

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[quote user="idun"]I could be a 6'4 transvestite lorry driver living in outer Shetland, and you'd never know.......[Www]
[/quote]

At last, I always wondered. [;-)]

We have a 'Pudding Club' and a 'Curry Club' nearby and they meet in the same bar we frequent after rugby on Sundays. They do talk a load of old rubbish. The classic whilst leaning, or hanging on to the bar, I can't remember which, where the couple who live in France debating the UK elections and who they were going to vote for. One couple said UKIP so I couldn't resist pointing out that if they got in they would loose their EU status and have to possibly leave and then apply for a residency permit. The other thing they say quite a bit when somebody asks why they left the UK is that it is full of foreigners who don't speak a word of English and hang around in groups never trying to integrate, you have to laugh. But as the OP said it is like clique, your either in or out, I prefer to be out especially when you listen to them bitching a moaning about their fellow members. I was told that because I didn't want to join (I declined quite nicely as it happened) I was anti British, unfortunately I used a lot less restraint when I replied and told them exactly why I (and Mrs 'Q' of course) didn't join and what I thought of them.

One chap who is a member quite often stops me when I am going about my business. He would tell me about so and so and when I look puzzled he tells me I must know them, they are English. Trouble is it can work backwards as well. More than once over the years I have had a French friend ask me to have a word with a fellow Brit about something (usually involving a bad debt), I mean what with me being English and all. I have to decline and explain I don't know them which seems a surprise to the French person.

As somebody said I also choose my friends and I don't care what nationality they are nor what colour they are and if I wouldn't be friends with them in the UK I don't see why I should be friends with them here.

I just remembered something quite funny. Somebody told one of the club members that they were showing Skyfall in the next town and that it would be in English. So the person set about and organised a coach and a meal before the film. You know what is coming, they went, paid about €40 each all in and when the film started it was, of course, in French and only one in the group actual spoke French. I know it's not nice but I couldn't help myself, I just laughed.

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I can understand why some people might seek out a group of fellow countrypeople, for all the reasons outlined in the OP: advice, help, mutual support...I'm not one of them, though.

I'm fortunate to be able to manage well enough on my own and with my French that I don't specially need that sort of assistance, so wouldn't join a club or group like that in the first place. And I'm not altruistic enough to want to join up to help other people. Translating and speaking French is mostly my job, and if I'm not getting paid for it then I'm certainly not going to spend huge chunks of my free time doing my paid job for complete strangers for free. If that sounds harsh, then tough. I've learned through experience that it's best to be honest about these things, or be prepared to be used as a doormat.

I would like to meet Idun all the more now I've discovered (s)he could be a tall transvestite lorry driver.

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[quote user="woolybanana"]Would you really wanna meet this lot in the flesh? I would not wanna meet me, I can tell you[/quote]

Don't fret, Wools, I would not wanna meet you either![:P]

Edit:  forgot to add, I wouldn't mind, however, if your sister, Randy, would like to visit à la fortune du pot? 

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[quote user="sweet 17"]

More to the point, Betty, are there any ex-pats in the Beaver-free Zone? Jus' wonderin'.....

 

[/quote]

Nope. There aren't any tall transvestite truckers, either. Now that's a group I'd join. Just for the laughs.

RH - look at my avatar. Is that a plain Francophile?

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[quote user="You can call me Betty"][quote user="sweet 17"]

More to the point, Betty, are there any ex-pats in the Beaver-free Zone? Jus' wonderin'.....

 

[/quote]

Nope. There aren't any tall transvestite truckers, either. Now that's a group I'd join. Just for the laughs.

RH - look at my avatar. Is that a plain Francophile?
[/quote]

It's very plain, that's indisputable.  But, it's hard to say if it's a Francophile [8-)]

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Quillan, I wouldn't want to join a Pudding Club, well not at my age. Although I am partial to pudding.

There are plenty of people on here I would love to meet, and am sorry that I never met Coops, I would have liked to do that.

Am I an expat. Living in the UK with every cent to live on coming from France and a french S1, almost feels like I must be a french expat !!![:-))]

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Groups of ex-pats, not my thing at all. Had enough grief with just one english couple who latched onto us and we ended up getting all their seperation problems on our doorstep,having other brits dragged round to our house which did not please me one iota as I had young children and a husband and home to run. Friends are what it says on the can and true ones will not use you and will respect you for what you are,nothing more and nothing less. Those groups of same nationalities who don't interact,integrate nor attempt to try and speak french,well I wonder why they came here in the first place and thankfully there aren't too many brits around my neck of the woods either. May sound smug or awful, but would I have been friends with them in the UK, most probably not and I prefer to choose my friends,not become part of a clique which is a game of oneupmanship on who has the biggest house,car and most money. YUK! Also when people found out we were a building firm, they tried to get free work done or borrow tools which a true artisan will not lend out.
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Definitely don't like the examples you mention Val. I've never been around people who play at one-upmanship - most unpleasant; I haven't a clue how well off any friends are, and only know about their houses by visiting one another. Not many people would be impressed by our Prius!  [:D]

[quote user="Russethouse"]I suspect it won't be too long before I meet GG .....[/quote]

Well, our departure has been postponed again, so you never know!

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