Dealing with unwanted sexual advances

[Petite Anglaise]

Ok, so I am going to try my best not to sound like a raging Anglo-Saxon feminist here, but it’s true that sometimes us women just want to have fun and enjoy ourselves!

As a young (late twenties) single girl in a small rural French community, and the only Anglaise in the village, I tend to get rather a lot of attention from the local men, not all of which is welcome. Why oh why is France so full of “gros lourds” who seem incapable of having a simple friendly conversation and developing mutual respect without crossing the line (asking me out, declaring they’re in love with me, or simply stating that they would like to sleep with me)?

Now I understand that “crossing the line” in France is not the same thing as in the UK, and that French attitudes to love and sex are totally different to ours (the French talk about sex more often and more openly, and it’s not considered offensive), and I am prepared for this – I have no problem with a bit of flattery or galanterie here and there – but the reason it all bothers me so much is because all I really want to do is be able to talk to people, practice my French, integrate into the community, find out who’s who in the village, learn some interesting things about the local area and its history, and develop some good acquaintances among the locals who will hopefully become good loyal friends someday. I’m not looking for love at the moment; I am single and very happy that way. I like my independence and freedom to do as I please, and enjoy having time to myself.

The French guys just don’t get it. When I try to politely explain that I’m happy as I am and not looking for a boyfriend, they don’t believe me and continue to hassle me with more of the same kinds of comments. Ever since I split up with my last boyfriend a while ago, people won’t stop asking me if (1) I have found a new boyfriend yet, (2) whether I spent last night alone, (3) if I prefer women, (4) if I own any sex toys...

For goodness’ sake! I thought that in France (more so than in the UK), anything concerning one’s love-life, (vie privée!), was supposed to be PRIVATE?? How on earth do French women deal with this sort of thing? I’ve tried everything: telling them truth (that I’m not interested and no, I’m not looking either), trying to avoid answering over-personal questions (doesn’t work – people just ask more and more), and trying to joke along with them by giving sarcastic answers to their invasive questions (which just feels so wrong, as I really don’t find this sort of thing funny, I just want them to shut up).

What’s the best way of dealing with this kind of attitude without coming across as unfriendly? I really would like to get to know people on a friendly basis, but what does the average French girl say to a guy to ensure he gets this message?

Any advice from real French women would be much appreciated!

[just john]

I'm surprised the sisterhood hasn't come to your aid here, perhaps they consider it to be a wind-up?

Sally-Bercow- complained (I think) that she was being hit on, but she was only dressed in a sheet at the time.
I think that's where I'd start, check out that what you wear isn't considered an invitation;
Jo Brand doesn't seem to suffer unwanted attention, maybe you could take some tips from her,
alternatively use Ricki Gervais line, ''I'm looking for a 90yr old millionaire?''[:D] 

this should get you some responses [8-|]

[5-element]

Oh how I feel for you!

I am not sure that anyone can tell you how to deal with these unwanted sexual overtures, except by being very upfront about it, leaving no room for misunderstanding - as this automatically puts you at risk of having them turn against you. I don't think that in many cases, there is a middle way.

It so reminds me of something that happened when I was growing up as a young french woman. I must have been about 15 (i.e. decades ago). A group of us (mixed, mainly from the Lycée) would go to someone's house to idle away an afternoon (parents out usually) and to listen to music, etc... One day, someone brought her English penfriend - a 15-year old petite anglaise. It took only about 2 hours for one of the young men to take her into one of the bedrooms (as the "petites anglaises" then had the reputation of going all the way, don't ask me how this came about!). Half an hour later, that young man came down, with a self-satisfied look on his face, and just said "Eh ben voila, j'ai tiré mon coup!". The English girl came down later, looking somewhat bewildered.

Needless to say, in those days, none of us local girls were going all the way, we wouldn't have dreamt of it.

But I did find this episode very shocking, and loathed the young man in question ever since. I believe this young man must have grown into a rather mature man now, and might well be one of those who are actively pursuing you.

So I wonder whether you might not suffering from the syndrome of "les anglaises sont faciles" - in the minds of the men around. At some point, it was "les Suédoises" too!

Stereotypes just live on and on...

Perhaps you could explain: "Contrairement à ce que vous pouvez penser, toutes les anglaises ne sont pas des femmes faciles". Be very upfront and direct, and tell them that you would only become intimate if you were in love!!! (or whatever it takes!). Just try to be a little diplomatic so that their precious ego and manhood do not feel (too much[:)]) under threat or under speculation!

Et...bonne chance!

[5-element]

There you go, my response just above! And I don't even care if it is a wind-up!

 

[Clair]

[quote]Why oh why is France so... [/quote]

I really, really dislike sweeping generalisations.

[cooperlola]

[quote user="Clair"]I really, really dislike sweeping generalisations.
[/quote]Me too Clair but I'm going to make on anyway.  Guys think that they are the centre of the universe so why shouldn't attracting one be the most important thing in your life?  Disabusing them of this bizarre assumption is not easy!

I don't know how you can deal with this except maybe to make up a fantasy bloke who's conveniently "elsewhere."

Wear what you like and try not to take JJ's advice too seriously.  Chap again, you see - albeit apparently a kind one. If you look nice you're obviously in search of a man and if you don't care about your appearance then it's because you're fat and ugly and couldn't get a man even if you wanted too. 

You have to ignore it if you can and carry on doing what you want, in the way you want to.   Try to concentrate on cultivating your women friends and forget about it.  We've all gone through what you are going through at one time or another - the average guy, of whatever age, will sleep with any woman with a pulse if he gets the chance (even if the married ones vehemently deny it, all evidence to the contrary!) and young, single women are naturally "top of the list".  Plus I guess the smaller the place you live in, the narrower the choice is for them so they just can't resist at least trying it on.

Bon courage.

[Renaud]

I don't think that it is a wind-up, just a journalist looking for an article.

My apologies if I am wrong but that is the assumption one makes if a first post asks a long question.

[Will]

[quote user="Petite Anglaise"]...French attitudes to love and sex are totally different to ours...

[/quote]

No, any real journalist would know that it's always 'different from', not 'different to' (and never 'different than'). [;-)]

[just john]

[quote user="Clair"]I really, really dislike sweeping generalisations.[/quote]
I better apologise up front but sometimes best to shoot from the hip;
perhaps it is not a generalisation in OP's case and happens wherever she happens to be?
the world's a cruel place, loads of people trying to meet and get it together and a few desperately not

[quote user="cooperlola"] Wear what you like and try not to take JJ's advice too seriously.   [/quote]
best not be wearing plunging necklines and trampstamps though - well we don't know do we?[Www]
[quote user="cooperlola"] Chap again, you see - albeit apparently a kind one.(quite so) If you look nice you're obviously in search of a man and if you don't care about your appearance then it's because you're fat and ugly and couldn't get a man even if you wanted too. [/quote]

I was actually thinking of Jo's magnificent riposts (dig the outfit) she'd soon have them pretending to be eunuchs[:)]

[quote user="cooperlola"] You have to ignore it if you can and carry on doing what you want, in the way you want to.   Try to concentrate on cultivating your women friends and forget about it.  We've all gone through what you are going through at one time or another - the average guy, of whatever age, will sleep with any woman with a pulse if he gets the chance (even if the married ones vehemently deny it, all evidence to the contrary!) and young, single women are naturally "top of the list".  [/quote]

Does Mr Coops know you hold him in such high regard[:D]

[cooperlola]

[quote user="Will"][quote user="Petite Anglaise"]...French attitudes to love and sex are totally different to ours...
[/quote]

No, any real journalist would know that it's always 'different from', not 'different to' (and never 'different than'). [;-)]
[/quote]Would that you were right, Will.  However, I fear that there are fewer and fewer "real" journos about - certainly fewer who have been taught proper English grammar.[:)]

[woolybanana]

No, Coops, some would not and do not, thank you very much.[:P]

However to the issue in question: invent a boyfriend or wear a wedding ring and let the locals know he is about. Get a chum, by which I mean a man you can trust to wander round the village with you. According to Coops, this is a man who is just waiting to jump your bones, but believe me, there are plenty about who are not sexual predators. Ideally, a big butch gay chap would do.

[Clair]

[quote user="just john "]

[quote user="Clair"]I really, really dislike sweeping generalisations.[/quote]

perhaps it is not a generalisation in OP's case and happens wherever she happens to be? [/quote]

If that's the case, why make the assumption that the whole of France is like that? [8-)]

[just john]

Perhaps she's like Snoopy in the rain, wherever he goes, the rain cloud follows him, so it's the same as raining everywhere.[geek]

[Simon]

Sweeping generalisation...."the average guy, of whatever age, will sleep with any woman with a pulse if he gets the chance".

What utter rubbish!  I've turned down far more women than I've been with. I've found that the average woman thinks that because she has a f****, that any guy would sleep with her.  There's lots of decent men out there, we're not all desperate!   

[Gardener]

A young Frenchman goes to the UK and sees a woman he fancies.

" Hey, madame, je pourrais prendre une rendez-vous?

Never Never she replies

" neuf heure ou neuf heure et demi?'

[britgirl]

[quote user="Simon"] Sweeping generalisation...."the average guy, of whatever age, will sleep with any woman with a pulse if he gets the chance".
What utter rubbish!  I've turned down far more women than I've been with. I've found that the average woman thinks that because she has a f****, that any guy would sleep with her.  There's lots of decent men out there, we're not all desperate!   [/quote]

Can I recommend some reading material amazon.co.uk/Kindle edition [6]

[Théière]

Don't suppose any of the lovely women on the forum have ever been on a hen night harassing men then [:)]

[Bugsy]

As a lad when 'chatting up' I always made the point that whilst I was happy to take them out, buy them a drink or a meal I would not, under any circumstances, sleep with them.

Worked, every time.

.

[idun]

And this is one very very good reason why I would never have lived in France alone if anything had happened to my husband, even as an old lass, plenty of gros degueulasse old blokes in France en plein compagne and probably in towns too.

We had a lovely poster on here called Pucette and she had much unwelcome attention too, I used to worry about her a lot.

5 element had posted whilst I was writing this, keep coming back to it. and I had said........You must remember that the film A Nous les Petites Anglaises gave english girls a very very bad reputation too.

I wouldn't be polite anymore, you've done that, be brutal, tell them that they are offensive and if they were the last bloke on earth you'd shoot yourself rather than having anything to do with them............ or something along those lines.

I'd better not post what happened to me in my late 20's when I moved to France, as it would probably be deleted, but I did make sure that the incident did not reoccur. I wasn't actually assaulted incidentally, but it was bad never the less and certainly sexual.

Too many french men had made comments in my company, but not necessarily to me when we have been in mixed company that are as far as I am concerned, very creepy, I've also heard arrogant statements saying that french men had the savoir faire as far as love making was concerned.

I would have thought that french women therefore would have had perpetual

I am so sorry to see this, but not surprised.

[Iceni]

[quote user="cooperlola"]

Guys think that they are the centre of the universe so why shouldn't attracting one be the most important thing in your life? 

[/quote]

Then you are mixing with the wrong ones. The cream of the crop know that we are.

John

[woolybanana]

Many, many years ago I got my face slapped for refusing to 'sleep' with a woman. I already had a very nice lady friend and didnt want another or to sleep around, but she did not seem to understand this.

[bubbles]

Oh, Will, thank you soooo much for writing that.

I am not alone!!!!!

Mind you, I'm not sure many journalists these days would know the correct version! Have you read an English newspaper lately?

[Will]

Yes, I look at English papers frequently.

My own magazine style sheet is based on the Times guide to style and usage, but unfortunately the Times sub-editors seem to be unaware of the existence of that book.

Even The Oldie, normally a haven of decent writing, got that particular one wrong in its current issue.

Language is something that is constantly changing, and things which were once total no-go areas - like split infinitives, or starting a sentence with a conjunction - are now acceptable if they make a piece less clumsy. Another example is 'decimate' that means to 'reduce by one-tenth', but the meaning of 'almost totally wipe out' seems generally accepted.

We can all make mistakes of course.

 

To get back on topic, I seem to recall Mrs W, in the course of her duties as an estate agent in France, telling me about unwelcome attentions from the French equivalent of dirty old men.

[Patf]

And just this pm, my friend here who is grandmother several times over, told me that her husband can't stand an old man in the village who tried to "chat her up" when they first moved here. [:)]

I do think that Idun has a point though that british women have a reputation for being "easy".

[just john]

[quote user="Patf"]And just this pm, my friend here who is grandmother several times over, told me that her husband can't stand an old man in the village who tried to "chat her up" when they first moved here. [:)]
I do think that Idun has a point though that british women have a reputation for being "easy".  [/quote]

Whereas the French (men & women) have a reputation for having lovers and (more than one) affairs[6]