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When a neighbour dies...


cooperlola
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what do I do next?  Apart from all the obvious offers of help to her husband, what's the form?  I know this is on here somewhere but I'm still reeling from the news that my lovely neighbour died of cancer just a few minutes ago and I can't pick the right keywords to make the answer come up.  Mr C has gone to see her husband (who could hardly speak when he came over) and his brother is on the way. 

Do I write, send a card, flowers etc?  Do I wait to be told about the funeral or look out for an announcement?  Can I just turn up or do I need an invitation?  This lady was my cancer buddy so I do want to do the right thing.

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[quote user="Russethouse"]

This thread also has links to more info if you keep going.

I'm so sorry.....

[/quote]Sadly both of Kathy's links within the thread come up as broken when I c&p them into the address bar.  I can find stuff about organising funerals but not the form for getting to one so if anyone can help, I'd be grateful.  Sorry to repeat stuff that's been on already, folks.
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My experience is that it best to treat him like the close friend he was, even though that might have been through his wife.
Visit now and express your sadness, call in without arrangements if that was normal, offer to help with simple things like going with him shopping etc, normal things but when the first effects of being alone will hit home.
Give a card personally with a note, visit again later, perhaps apero time, and ask about the arrangements which are normally quite quickly made.
Whatever you do, don't say 'you know where we are if there is anything we can do let us know'
Far better to demonstrate that you are there by calling in on normal occasions.

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I can't add to John's advice, very sensitive.

My neighbour's husband died of cancer a year or so ago. Before the funeral the body was placed in their house, in an open coffin, and friends and relations visited to pay last respects to him. He was a lovely man.

I don't know if this tradition is always practised.

I  offered support in the future, and as it happens, have been able to do this via his dog, who spends most of his time here and goes for walks with us daily. The widow goes out a lot, I suppose she finds the house very empty, as they had no children.

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Sorry to hear the news Coops.

Our neighbour died in February, the funeral was a few days later. There was no open coffin and no church ceremony, the whole village assembled at the cemetery, whilst his wife and family walked in with the coffin to the tomb, opened, ready to receive the coffin. The family said their farewells, placed flowers on the coffin and then the village filed past the coffin, placing rose petals on it. That was it. The coffin was lowered into the tomb and sealed. The family went down to the bar, took us all and we all had a drink to his name.

We have just called in weekly, making sure she is alright and finding out if there is anything we can do.

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Oh dear, Coops;  I am so sorry to hear about your neighbour's death.   My wonderful neighbour and Vendee best friend died some years ago, and it brings it all back.  It must be especially difficult with her being your cancer buddy.

The funeral will no doubt be held pretty soon, and I am sure you will be told.  If you are a special friend, you may be asked if you would like to say something, or do a reading in the church, perhaps. 

People usually go and pay their respects at the undertaker's, or sometimes in the home, in front of the open coffin.  I have to say that I chickened out of that, and decided to honour my friend by baking a couple of cakes for the gathering after the funeral.  There may be a tradition of taking flowers ("la gerbe") if you do this, though this might just be a Vendee custom.

In the church, everyone had the opportunity to go up to the (then closed) coffin and touch it.

In the churchyard, at the graveside, each person went forward and picked up a holy-water sprinkler to wave over the coffin.

In the meantime, you could tell the bereaved husband that you are "de tout coeur avec vous", or that "nous partageons votre peine", or words to that effect.   Anything seems inadequate, I know, but just keeping contact, taking round a home-cooked dish, or some flowers from the garden even, might give his morale a tiny boost.  

Angela

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Sorry to hear that you have lost a close friend.

We have just returned from our house, our neighbour there died on Monday and we returned home next day so no time to do anything, we too were wondering what we would have done had we been there as we had been invited to the funeral which was yesterday - very quick considering the easter bank holiday
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It is always very quick in France. A few days and all over with.

My neighbour died in mid summer and there was a jour ferie a couple of days later. Her husband wanted her buried in Cannes, several depts away. He needed official authorisation from each dept to cross their dept and permission to bury her in Cannes. No priests in our area and he ended up having a local service with a lay preacher. I doubt that the poor man had much time to deal with his grief until it was all over, he was so busy. And in spite of all the offers to help, would not take any at all.

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I am very sorry to hear about your buddy, Coops.

When you and he can think about day to day stuff again, it would probably be good if her husband felt that he too could be of some help to you and maybe other friends and neighbours.

I say this because when my very dear lady neighbour died 18 months ago, her husband struggled to make a life without her. Although we are not full-time in France, we know that he looks forward to our arrival, and often wanders past our house and stops for a chat. (Our houses are pretty scattered and nowhere a village. ) He took it into his head to pass the daily newspaper on to me the day after he gets it, (brilliant for finding out what's going on locally, and useful from the learning the language point of view.) Now that daily routine has become a pleasure for both of us, as we discuss the news stories and shake our heads over the state of the world, well, our worlds really.

I just wish we could help him more, but he is very proud, and apart from fetching him the odd box of eggs when we go to market, he says he needs nothing else.

He still drives, though keeps to local roads, and has family in the village 5 miles away. It's the hours in between that lag for him I think.

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Thanks all for your thoughts and ideas.  In spite of the fact that I still find this forum very hard on the eyes, its kind heart remains in the community that's been built up.

The husband actually came over here yesterday afternoon (it's not very safe for me to cross the road as I'm so very slow and their dog, although very lovely and friendly, is a bit too big and boistrous for me to run the gauntlet with if I pop over unannounced as he is out in the garden a lot of the time.)  He told me that the burial is tomorrow - straight to the cemetary, no service, nothing afterwards.  I repeated that we would help with whatever we could and he said that would be good once the funeral is over - he wanted to be on his own with their little daughter at the moment.  However, I got a genuine impression that he'd appreciate our presence and help so that's a great relief.  It's just unfortunate that I need help myself so am not too good on the practical stuff these days and I certainly cannot cook! 

Their cat came into our house yesterday.  He's never done that before although he's often in our garden and seems to be in love with one of our girls (even though she's had the op'.)  I do wonder if he's missing her too.  Is that daft?

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I was so sorry to read that your neighbour and cancer buddy had died, Cooperlola; even harder because of that and such a shock. You've had some excellent advice on here, and as you've now found, your neighbour has let you know his wishes.

It might be that as well as the cat (which I should think really is missing her, and is finding comfort where he can) has done, your neighbour will make his way over to see you both again once the funeral is over and other necessities have passed. He knows how things are with you, and won't be expecting your cordon bleu, but your company and some of your time. He might want to talk about his wife with somebody else who was close to her, but not family, who might not be able to. Grief can hit in many ways.

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[quote user="Russethouse"]How old is the daughter Coops ?[/quote]Three-ish.  (I'm no good at remembering things like that to be honest).  They found out she had cancer when she was pregnant.  She also has two teenage boys but they are with their father (who is not my neighbour) and have been living with him for a year now.
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