Hereford Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 I am going to visit and get advice from the 'Social Worker" person regarding help for my elderly father (aged 89) in looking after my mother (a year younger) who has severe dementia (and is ALD agreed).Before I go it would be helpful to have any information or even better experience of getting help in these circumstances.My father has refused all offers of help (specialist and GP suggestions) as he "does not want somebody in the house doing nothing most of the time" and in any case "does not want odd people messing her about"...He is very fit but the strain is getting to him. She can go all "stiff" for no obvious reason and it is almost impossible for him to move her against her will. He says that what he needs is someone who will come when he telephones for 15 minutes when he has a problem. He will not allow me to do it (in any case I am 5'+not a lot and she is quite a bit bigger!!). The main problems he has are what one might call "hygiene".The only person Mum recognises is him and she is anxious if he is not visible - I sit so that he can go shopping and she can get really tearful no matter how much I say he will be back soon. I cannot look after her in my house as we have no downstairs toilet and to get her up the stairs is almost an impossibility.There is no family now in the UK as my children are also abroad (not France).The sort of things I would like to know in advance are: Is the help means tested? Day centres?Many thanks in advance for any thoughtsMrs H Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NormanH Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 There is help available, but the only links I have are in French.Is that ok?This would be a starting point for examplehttp://vosdroits.service-public.fr/N382.xhtmland http://vosdroits.service-public.fr/particuliers/F10009.xhtmlFor 'hygiene' problems 'une infirmière à domicile' or an 'aide soignante' might be able to help and could be prescribed by the Doctor, who I think should probably be involved. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Val_2 Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 Everything here is means tested one way or another regarding financial help/care help etc because obviously if the person in question has a healthy savings account,they more than likely must pay and the public money is used to fund those with modest incomes which is the same as the UK as the threshold there is something like £21,000 in savings before you have to pay.I would get the local assistante sociale involved with this case because as time goes on, it will only get worse for all involved. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
idun Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 We ended up in a similar situation and I more or less forced help on my father. My mother was very ill and did not want any help at all. My reasoning was that if my Dad didn't get help he would have been on his way before her, never ever an easy woman and only far far worse with her illness. And there was no cure for her, she was getting worse daily and everything was really taking a toll on my Dad. In the end it didn't matter what my mother wanted really. My Dad soon realised that the burden was reduced enormously when the help started, still hard work, but some relief from it. And now tells me how glad he was that I insisted. My mother died in 1990 and my Dad is doing very well at over 87.Carers seem to soldier on, above and beyond what they should be doing and not taking their own well being into account. Good luck and be insistent, help is good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hereford Posted February 21, 2012 Author Share Posted February 21, 2012 Thanks for replies, Yes in French is fine although I will take a French friend with me when I see the assistante sociale to make sure I don't just understand each word individually but get the meaning correctly! I will read the links given first.I think my Dad would be willing to have more help if (a) my Mum did not get weepy when he is not around and (b) he did not feel that nurses/carers will make her get up (for example) when they want not when she wants and will be sitting around most of the time with nothing to do.They have a small, modern, bungalow which was designed by him to cover their needs ten years ago - so he does not have a spare room that could be used by him or a night carer for example - the nights are often when he needs help as sometimes she will refuse to go to bed (she can hardly tell day from night). This last sentence makes him sound rich - he is not, land is so much cheaper here he was able to build within the price he got for his "oldies" home in SE UK.He would love to have savings anywhere near 21k pounds!I may speak to our lovely village infirmiere about "hygiene" help as she will know what is needed.It is awful getting old...Mrs H Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
idun Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 Yes, you get what help you can for your Dad. As I said, at the end of the day, the carer sometimes has to get the 'care'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NormanH Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 Going a bit further into the links there is a document you can download which the Doctor can sign to show the degree of help needed in the basics http://vosdroits.service-public.fr/particuliers/R21010.xhtmlclick on accéder au formulaire To get some idea of the financial help possibly availablehttp://vosdroits.service-public.fr/particuliers/F1802.xhtml Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hereford Posted February 22, 2012 Author Share Posted February 22, 2012 Thanks to everybody, Norman especially after all his own problems. I feel I know a lot more about this whole subject now.Mrs H Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Russethouse Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 My mother has carers ( we are all in the UK) and over the months they have become real friends not only to her, and they take a whole lot more from her than either my sister and I would, (like iduns mother, she is a difficult woman) but to us too. ( She doesn't have dementia as such, but her memory is failing and she sometimes confuses dreams with reality) Usually they have the experience to really help and sometimes have a different way of looking at things that sometimes eases a problem.As the others have said its important to care for the carer too, they need a break as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
idun Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 My mother and her carers, well she would have had them out of the house if she could. She hated them, every last one of them. As she lost the ability to speak, she would growl and look, a look that if it had worked would have struck them dead.My Dad still has a friendly chat with them when he sees them. My parents were chalk and cheese. Insular, mean and often nasty woman. Friendly gregarious man. 43 years married. I never wanted to be like my mother. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
woolybanana Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 Don't women usually take after their mothers?[6] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Russethouse Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 Not so far in this case - in fact I've taken he opposite tack wherever possible! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
idun Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 Difference is, I have friends. I am generous, even if I have little. I care, probably too much. In fact I am completely opposite to my mother. If I was like her, I would not be on here, I'd lurk and look down my nose at everyone.......... that was what she did in real life, so why not on the web.The frightening thing was that my son's fiance was just like her. Petite frame, quiet, watching everything, hard to speak to, get on with, and everything was for 'her'. She spent all his money and dumped him and had the audacity to ask me for money. And maybe if I hadn't grown up with such a female, I may have taken pity, but I did not. You see I think men can be taken in by quiet, pretty little girls fluttering their eyelashes at them. I think that they take the 'quietness' as a sign of being 'nice' and it doesn't necessarily mean that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NormanH Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 Another couple of links:http://www.solidarite.gouv.fr/espaces,770/personnes-agees,776/http://www.solidarite.gouv.fr/espaces,770/personnes-agees,776/dossiers,758/vivre-chez-soi-autonomie-inclusion,1801/Though I am not sure that the latter isn't just a statement of intent... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hereford Posted February 23, 2012 Author Share Posted February 23, 2012 Thank you. I have to go to the mairie where my parents live tomorrow to get a form signed to tell the UK Pension service that they are still alive!! I will ask them to point me at the right office to start this off.Mrs H Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Russethouse Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 Good Luck ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
idun Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 Good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NormanH Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 I think a good place might be your local CCAS (Centre communal d'action sociale) Le CCAS anime une action générale de prévention et de développement social dans la commune en liaison avec les institutions publiques et privées. Il est de ce fait l'institution locale de l'action sociale par excellence. A ce titre, il développe différentes activités et missions légales ou facultatives, directement orientées vers les populations concernées : aide et accompagnement des personnes âgées, aides aux personnes handicapées, aux enfants, aux familles en difficulté, lutte contre les exclusions...Have a look here:http://www.unccas.org/thematiques/personnes-agees.aspYou might find a local one from this listhttp://www.unccas.org/unccas/sites-de-ccas.aspThis one is typicalhttp://www.ville-beziers.fr/beziers_pratique/02.cfm Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CeeJay Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 NormanHWhat an incredible source of information you are, I think we are all very lucky that you are a member of our Forum! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NormanH Posted February 24, 2012 Share Posted February 24, 2012 Thanks...I've just been around in France a while and can Google [:)] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hereford Posted February 24, 2012 Author Share Posted February 24, 2012 Thanks: I can see from the noticeboard in the village (parents not mine) that we have an organisation called CLIC which explains to the elderly or their families where/how to get help that is needed.I feel almost overcome with information now!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now