Jump to content

Advice needed for moving 4 year old boy to the Dordogne, please


Leanne
 Share

Recommended Posts

Hi. My name is Leanne and I've found you guys in the hope that someone may be able to alieviate some anxieties I have or just give me some general advice about moving my 3.5 and 1.5 year old to the Sarlat area. They will be 4 and 2 by the time we move. My eldest is Charlie and although for the most of it, he is sociable, likeable and very polite, like all 3 year old boys in the UK, he comes with his foibles! He can tantrum, have a stinking attitude when he wants and although I consider my partner and I disciplinarians, when he's "on one," I find it incredibly hard to reign him in! Since he was very small, he ALWAYS wakes in the night. Anything from 1-2 hours. He's no bother but on his bad nights, he is understandably shattered the next day which is when he plays up the most.

EVERYTHING I have read implies that French children are completely perfect; tantrum and attitude-free. Therefore being parented by perfect, patient and faultless parents. This is exactly where my anxieties come from. What if his teachers cannot cope with his mood swings? What if he has a bad time settling and expresses this in his emotional outbursts? What if this makes him friendless?! Has anyone had experience of the same thing? Any advice on getting him French-ready? Thanks for reading. I really appreciate it. X
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am really not sure how to take this post. Is it a wind up?

And if not a wind up, then I am having trouble imagining where on earth on can find/read such absurdities about french family life.

So, IF this is not a wind up, I would suggest that you start reading french parenting magazines and forums, and you'll see that people are people and no one and nowhere is perfect.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm not sure why you have to be so rude? I am genuinely worried. I am a young mother asking for advice and do not need such comments as, 'is this a wind up?' Because you are making me feel stupid. It is hardly my fault if the literature and articles I have read imply that French children are wildly different to the UK; "Why French kids do not tantrum." "How to educate the perfect child, like the French." "How are you doing it wrong? Ask the French."
Link to comment
Share on other sites

[quote user="Leanne"]I'm not sure why you have to be so rude? I am genuinely worried. I am a young mother asking for advice and do not need such comments as, 'is this a wind up?' Because you are making me feel stupid.  [/quote]

Hi Leanne,

Best thing is to just ignore her. It's the way she is. If you don't do life  her way you're wrong.

Good luck with your research.

cajal

Link to comment
Share on other sites

What you have read is wrong although generally French kids are very well behaved in social environments. It is a cultural thing.

I would not worry about your sons behaviour as the chances are when he goes to school he will become a model student. If he does play up the teachers will manage it. In my experience/kids experience it is the kids that are well behaved at home who are the ones more likely to play up at school.

BUT, I would not worry about schooling but more the fact you are moving to Sarlat with children. Nice as Sarlat is (if you like that type of thing), it is typically a place I would not relocate to with kids. Like it or not, you will get better schooling in France in major towns and cities. Your children will grow up having more things to do, and better choice of colleges, facilities ect. You have to think long term.

I am hoping you have 'credible' employment. When I mean 'credible' I am mean employed on a French CDI contract. If not, schooling is going to be the last of your problems.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

[quote user="Leanne"] What if his teachers cannot cope with his mood swings? What if he has a bad time settling and expresses this in his emotional outbursts? What if this makes him friendless?! [/quote]

 

Your généralisations about the behaviour of French children are in general true but that does not mean that they have perfect, patient and faultless parents.

Plenty of French schoolchildren come from very lacking households, luckily the French schools have the tools to do the job and they are not hampered from using them, the word "education" in France means upbringing and applies equally to the home as the school, its the responsability of the education system to make up for any lacking in the latter.

 

Thanks to his schooling your son will very quickly comply and learn to understand and respect boundaries like his peers.

 

After about 2 weeks into the school holidays you start to hear some French children screaming and making tantrums in public, in most cases looking at the parent or parents more often its the grandparents and you realise the value of the childs schooling.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Again, thank you so much for your reply. It's a big move for us but I just worry about the kids as I let my husband deal with everything else! But that has also made me feel much better. It's comments like these that I've really been looking for and it helps me to regain some strength and trust in my mind that "everything is going to be okay." X
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Leanne - I wonder if those articles you mention are "tongue in cheek"?

I've often seen french children in public making a fuss etc. I don't know about school, but french  parents tend to smack their children more than british parents.

At age 4 your boy will probably go to Maternelle first, where there's plenty of opportunity for play.

How long are you expecting to be in France?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My eldest is Charlie and although for the most of it, he is sociable, likeable and very polite, like all 3 year old boys in the UK, he comes with his foibles! He can tantrum, have a stinking attitude when he wants and although I consider my partner and I disciplinarians, when he's "on one," I find it incredibly hard to reign him in! Since he was very small, he ALWAYS wakes in the night. Anything from 1-2 hours. He's no bother but on his bad nights, he is understandably shattered the next day which is when he plays up the most.

 

It may have seemed to me in my grumpiness that all young children in the UK behave that way but its depressing to read someone normalising the behaviour but that is indeed the impression that parents of what I refer to as "expressive children" give out, that its normal behaviour and the rest of society are out of kilter, maybe I am/we are, maybe there has been a quantum shift from my childhood when all I heard was "children are to be seen and not heard" and "you only speak when spoken to"

 

As I am typing this I can see/hear a 3 year old girl throwing a screaming fit in the GP's surgery on "GP's behind closed doors" how can it be that so many 3 year olds have managed to exercise total control over their adult parents?

 

Aside from the behavioural différences of the children in the UK and France I find that in French families where make no mistake the children are the parents number one priority that the children do not believe that they are the centre of the universe, that they are princesses etc, it must be a real culture shock when these children leave education and have to face the reality that the world is not a gilded cage, that there is high unemployment and it takes a lot of hard work and effort to succeed against the odds.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Reply to Patf: Thank you so much for your time in replying. We plan for France to be our future for the forseeable. I can't wait! I've been lifted by (most) people's comments. It's made me know that I don't have to strive for perfection. Not sure if the articles were tongue in cheek so much - They may have been! But I do know that they were just completely unhelpful and ended up making me feel bad about my parenting skills. I think I'll just trust my instinct. Thanks again x
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I was not being rude, and I really did believe it was a wind up. We do get them on here.

AND cajal, most people I know IRL,have differing views to me. Life is life,  and I am adult enough to know that everyone has their own opinions, in fact your comment was simply stupid.......and unwarranted!

Re comparing  nationalities, recent trip to France, so on the ferries, teenagers, british, one way, french the other. The french were more disruptive than their british counterparts. But I have seen it the other way round.

And tantrums, well,  most little ones have them. IF you believe that they are excessive, then take professional advice. 

And I ask again, why are you not reading french parenting forums, just looked at this one:

http://forum.doctissimo.fr/psychologie/parents/liste_sujet-1.htm

As you will read, absolutely normal life and problems. So instead of having a go at me, why didn't you just look as I suggested and reassure yourself. As you are moving to France and a whole french world is a click away, again, I will say, look things up yourself.

I moved when I was young, and had my kids in France.

And my youngest was a handful......

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Leanne, you are now going to have the immense privilege of bringing up a bilingual child; whatever the crackpots might say, and there are some in the teaching profession, it is a mind opening and culturally enriching experience for the child and for the parents who are watching, as they watch the bilingualism grow.

Do not let French teachers try to talk you out of it!

Some ground rules: you and your husband continue to speak English with him, and only English, whilst at school and with friends he will speak French.

If he follows the pattern, he will say nothing for a while at school, even be angry because he can't communicate, but this will pass. What is happening is that his mind is taking in the language and creating an internal "grammar" which usually takes about six months. After that he should begin chattering away in French and English.

But you must still stick to English.

BUT, do not force him, let bilingualism come naturally. MOST IMPORTANT.

Remember, we Brits are the exceptions in being largely monolingual - much of the world speaks two languages with ease and comfort.

My daughters are bilinguals and used to change languages when they got on the ferry to go to UK or Belgium and they still tick me off if I happen to use French to either of them, and they are in their forties!

Good luck, it is a great undertaking.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Our kids are in their 4th different school in 4 very different areas and on the whole I would say French kids are very well behaved. Teachers tend to be quite tough. When they get to college & Lycee maybe less so.

My biggest problem has been that whilst they are half French and on a day to day basis they are French they are always viewed as being half English. It is like a stigma. Never understood what the French problem is with this. Does that happen in the UK ? I am guessing politics.

You are either totally French or not French. Something the Op needs to bare in mind in the challenges to come.

To the OP. Why are you moving to Sarlat ? Just being nosey. Hope you don't mind. We where there a month or so ago.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Apologies for the delay in replying. Thanks again to both for uplifting and interesting replies. I will take it all in board for sure.

Sarlat because.... We are going to take over an existing B&B and gite business just 12km from Sarlat. Seeing as tourism is going to be our business, we wanted to be close to where the business is going to be! (How many times can I fit the word BUSINESS into a paragraph?!) We really like Sarlat too. There are some good schools around and lots for the kids to do. Fingers crossed it works out for us! Thanks again for your time with the replies. Much appreciated x
Link to comment
Share on other sites

My holiday home is about 8 km from Sarlat. One of my French neighbours was four in January. She can write her own name, Mummy, Daddy and three different names for her grandparents, another name for her great-grandfather and the name of her dog. All in very neat writing.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Given its popularity I think Sarlat is a good place to take on such a business but just make sure you choose the right regime for the business as that will have a direct impact on healthcare for your family. It is quite complicated stuff and healthcare is a priority. The AE thing is not going to work in that respect.

Also, don't under estimate the cost of living in France and the dreaded taxes which are higher as I understand than the UK for small businesses. Get as much info on this as possible beforehand so that you are prepared and able to budget accordingly.

When we were there in Sarlat a month or so ago we were quite tempted into buying a shop. Trouble is we could not decide what to sell. What could one sell in Sarlat ? There is already a Burtons.

Wish you all the best of luck and for the little ones at school. They will be OK. Just get that business regime and healthcare sorted.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

They'll be fine. Just get them into maternelle as soon as you can and they'll soon join the regimentation with the rest of the kids. Teachers here will deal with tantrums quite effectively. If you get tantrums when dropping them off the best thing to do is just stay cheery, give a cuddle and then leave. The teachers will deal with it and they'll soon settle in.

I agree about speaking English at home but would also warn you that the teachers may tell you that you should speak French at home and only watch French TV. All my kids would not dream of speaking French to me (I obviously have an invisible 'English' label on my forehead) and can't stand French TV. I've recently moved and haven't installed UK TV at my new place so the TV just doesn't go on. :)

I don't think the teachers are correct, though French TV may help with vocabulary acquisition, as I think it's important for them to continue to absorb and communicate in English. I've seen kids who went to school early and they only speak French amongst themselves at home (leaving some parents unable to understand).

Even when they do have only English spoken at home they eventually get to the stage where they have a lot of vocabulary in French that they don't always know the English equivalent of. My son is studying a science Bac and even though some subjects are deliberately studied in English, it's at the level the French kids need, and he's considered going to Uni in England or Scotland but is quite aware that he may struggle with the language because he's only ever studied the subjects in French. It's the maths and science subjects that he worries he won't have the English language vocabulary for.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

The teachers are wrong, their opinion just coming from chauvinism and ignorance.

How much TV do kids of that age get, by the way; my grandson at age three and a half doesn't even get an hour a week except in unusual circumstances. But he does get a few DVDs and carefully chosen Utube things in very small amounts?

Your boy will get plenty of input without adding TV to it.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I would have thought - not having any experience in this matter, I hasten to add - that some selective watching of French TV would aid integration, as it would give some common ground for discussion with his schoolmates.

Angela
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
 Share

×
×
  • Create New...